Saturday, October 12, 2013

A wobble

"I've definitely fallen in love with K," I tell my friend Close Encounters while we're having a snack together in Central London recently, "I know it's only about two and a half months since I split up with ex-boyfriend T, but I just can't help it. I think about him almost all the time …"

"And have you slept with him yet?" he asks, with a hint of scepticism in his voice. Since Close Encounters is a fellow blogger, he's well aware from reading my blog that until recently, we hadn't engaged in any activities.

"Well," I say sheepishly, "we've cuddled a lot, but No, so far I haven't got any further than that :-(."

"It's a big investment in time if the sex turns out to be bad!"

"But we do seem to get on very well with each other :-)," I reply, "and he's already introducing me to a lot of the important people in his life :-)."

"Such as …"

"Well, I've met some of his family now, also a few of his best friends :-)."

"Wow!" replies Close Encounters, genuinely surprised, "I guess that's just a different way of doing it."

"I think one of the reasons that I've fallen for him is that it's so refreshing to find a guy like K that's 'old school'. He doesn't use any of the dating apps or web sites, and he wants us to know pretty much everything about each other's lives before we sleep with each other. It's kind of like, no sex before marriage!"

"Communication can still be problematic though," I continue, "and over the last 24 hours we've had a bit of a wobble, but I think we're back on track again."

"What happened?" asks Close Encounters, looking slightly worried.

"Well, we had dinner in Chinatown with a couple of his best friends, and then a few beers afterwards in Village Soho. The four of us decide to call it a night, and I almost manage to hail a cab to take me and K home, because we live in the same area. But then, all of a sudden I find myself with K outside G-A-Y bar getting wristbands for free entry to Heaven!"

"So you didn't discuss beforehand that you were going to go to Heaven?"

"Well, K had suggested it in the bar, but his friends hadn't been keen. Anyway, the two of us get into Heaven and it's more beers, and we chat about how everything is going between us and things go well. Actually, one thing, I told him about this blog!"

"REALLY?" replies Close Encounters looking amazed, "that a big step isn't it?"

"Yes I guess so, but he's trying so hard to make sure I know everything about him. Apart from gym, blogging is my biggest hobby so I've got to tell him. I decided years ago that it wasn't right to keep it secret from a boyfriend. Anyway, when I told K, it didn't seem to bother him."

"I guess that's a good sign!"

"But the wobble started when we got back to my place, and looking back, it was definitely all my fault :-(. We were both a bit drunk after all the beer, and it suddenly occurred to me that we should chat about how money should work between us. I don't know why I thought of it then, but I'm quite a bit richer than him, so just like the monogamy issue I think it's something that should be discussed. That's what was in my mind when I said At some point we should talk about money, but what I think he heard was something like I don't want you taking advantage of my money."

"GB!" says Close Encounters, shaking his head slightly, "Whatever possessed you to start a difficult conversation like that when you were both drunk?"

"Well, the fact that I was drunk :-(! Anyway, he goes home but he rings me up as soon as he gets there, and we chat a bit but it doesn't go well. We chat the next morning too and I don't make things any better. And a couple of hours later, I go and make things even worse with a stupid text message."

"What did you say in the text message?"

"Well I started worrying about him. I've spent quite a bit of time with him now, and he sometimes seems a bit euphoric and sometimes a bit depressed. So I sent a txt msg asking him if he was bipolar. But …"

"That's a completely ridiculous thing to do, GB!" interrupts Close Encounters.

"Well I had a hungover from all the beer the night before, and …"

"If you want to discuss that kind of thing," interrupts Close Encounters again, "that's definitely a face to face conversation, and even then, not a conversation to have when things aren't going well!"

"Anyway, what he heard was I think you're mentally ill so he phones me up a few hours later and he was ready to never see me again."

"I'm not bloody surprised!"

"I don't know how I did it, but somehow I managed to say enough of the right things on that phone call. We end up chatting for about 40 minutes, and by the end of the call it was almost as though we'd never had the wobble at all. He also called me up just before midnight too, just as we're both about to go to bed, and that phone call went even better. So I think we're back on track :-)."

"Well," says Close Encounters, shaking his head slightly again, "it would have been better to not have been so stupid in the first place. If you do a blog post about this, you'll be lucky if you ever get another person emailing you for your advice!"

"I know," I reply. "My only excuse is that perhaps because I'm in love with K, I just can't think straight when it comes to anything to do with him. But when I get a Dear GB email and it's someone else's situation, somehow I feel that I can be quite objective."

"Actually," replies Close Encounters, "I think you SHOULD do a blog post about this. Just write down how stupid you've been, and then perhaps that'll teach you not to do it again!"


Unknown said...

How do you know if you've fallen in love with someone?

GB said...

Love is probably different for everyone, Sebastian. But for me, I can't stop thinking about K, hoping that he's OK, when we're apart wishing that we were together, looking forward to cuddling him and getting a lot more *intimate* with him one day :-), looking at his facebook page all the time in case he's posted an update or liked something, and all these feelings are so intense that they almost hurt! Might you be in love with anyone?

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

What differentiates between love and lust?

GB said...

Good question, recent anonymous commenter (whoever you are), but I think it's an easy one. With K, I really really want to spend the rest of my life with him. Lust is just a very strong desire for various intiamte activities!

GB xxx

P said...

I do think you have been silly talking about the situation while drunk, but I do understand why you did it as I have had the wrong conversation while drunk too. Maybe sometimes too often! :)

GB I would advise maybe taking it slow and maybe sleeping with him before conferring the label 'love' to him. K seems to come across hot and cold in my opinion to you, maybe having 'the talk' will help you establish exactly where you both stand.


Wiliam said...

Hey GB,

I'm glad things are going well for you. If you're now in love with K, does it mean you've fallen completely out of love with ex-boyfriend T? You guys have been together for a pretty long time; is it possible to move on so quickly within such a short period of time?

It might not be lust, but can you be absolutely certain it's not infatuation? The rest of your life is a pretty long time. :)

GB said...

Maybe you're right, P, perhaps things need to get a bit further before I use the word 'love'. Although in fact I think that K has been far more sensible and constant than I have, especially in light of the fact that I caused this wobble!

Good questions, William. Firstly, I am definitely completely out of love with ex-boyfriend T. He's still out of the country, but we exchanged a couple of emails recently. I could tell from his response that he was surprised at how cold my initial reply was, but I wasn't doing it on purpose, that's was just the way I naturally felt. In terms of moving on quickly, I think I blogged that for me, meeting lots of guys for drinks and/or activities and/or sleepovers really has helped me put the whole sorry episode of my relationship with ex-boyfriend T behind me. It feels like a very distant memory. In terms of infatuation with K, when I first met him I was still boyfriends with ex-boyfriend T. Because I still had a boyfriend at that point I think I was quite objective, but nonetheless I can remember feeling very attracted to K. I can also remember thinking that even if I didn't have a boyfriend, it was quite unlikely that he'd ever be interested in me, but it just goes to show how wrong one can be!

GB xxx

Unknown said...

Haha.You are obsessed like I do!

GB said...

In terms of K, I think you may be right Sebastian, LOL! I can't remember the last time I felt like this about a guy. I'm just going to enjoy the feeling while it lasts!

Anyway, hope all OK with you? You never responded to the last email that I sent you in September.

GB xxx

Ken Skinner said...

Hey GB, I think you've highlighted the addendum to "communication is key", which is that when you start in on a relationship with a new partner you need to learn specifically how to communicate with them. Everyone is different and will respond differently to how subjects are broached... Plus, you reminded me of that phase in a relationship where it seems so fragile that the slightest misstep could break it!

yonderbluemoon said...

GB, if you are worried about the effects of ageing, don't be. You really can behave like a teenager! Sometimes it is cute like checking someone's FB updates and sometimes it can be a bit strange like showing someone your sex blog, talking about relative wealth and then insinuating mental disorder in the space of hours whilst either drunk or hung over. Good effort! It is not that you should not talk about such things but (as you have realised) timing is everything.

However there is no need to feel unduly worried. There is a reason why lawyers don't do their own cases, doctors consult other doctors and accountants get others to do their tax returns. If all these highly qualified people lack objectivity at times, then I think we can give agony uncles a break too:)

GB said...

LOL yonderbluemoon :-). Actually, I had noticed that I've been behaving like a teenager, although I was too ashamed to include that thought in this post! Anyway, thanks for reminding me that professionals like doctors etc don't handle their own cases, hopefully I can rely on my readers here to help me handle mine :-).

GB xxx

PS: Thanks Kenski, indeed we are gradually learning *how* to communicate with each other.

Tim The Nomad said...

How do you know if you've fallen in love with someone?

I never "fell" in love, the relationship grew and flourished until cancer got in the way. I know I loved him, he married me a week before he died, so I must be one of the swiftest Civil partnership widowers about.

There's no need to express sorrow or condolences, it's over 9 months now, and I am putting my life back together in some shape or form. I miss the old bastard and don't at the same time. That's love. Now he isn't around any more, I am finding out how much he became a part of me.

GB, I have no idea if I will ever bump into you in the City as I am a mere back office cog in the wheel, but you keep in there. I seem to have found more friends since he died than I realised I had. The City isn't as homophobic as I thought, or has my company employed more enlightened individuals?