Friday, October 18, 2013

What to do if you accidently have unsafe sex: PEPSE

Earlier this month, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I met and had unprotected sex with a guy via Grindr yesterday. I insisted on having condom at first but he somehow lured me into going raw and this is my first time though. He said that it will help me to relax and less hurt, which was probably quite naïve of me at that time. Sure he is nice enough with a PhD in Theoretical Physics from a top university and he even showed me his GUM clinic test result from two months ago with all negative but I still feel unsafe and confused.

Another question is that does it always hurt the first time you do anal? I feel like I could almost defecate (sorry for the choice of word but I don't know how to explain it) his dick each time he put it in but I still pretend to enjoy it. He even asked for another session this week but I don't know what to say since I am indeed tempted to be with a man but I don't really want to be fucked like that.

Now I am writing this letter to ask you for your advice of what I should do now. Another question is that would it be possible for a gay relationship to exist without anal sex? Or should I try to top someone first?

Great thanks for your help,

Until I met M (My first guy from Grindr), I'd never heard of a treatment called PEPSE, which stands for Post-Exposure Prophylaxis after Sexual Exposure. However, on one of the occasions that I met M we chatted about some of our past experiences with other guys, and he told me that a few months previously he'd had to get PEPSE. The idea of PEPSE is that if you realise quickly enough that you've had unsafe sex, then you can get treatment which might stop you becoming HIV positive if indeed the unsafe sex has infected you with HIV.

So about two hours after the reader sent me the email, I sent him a reply to tell him about PEPSE. In that email, I also included the following paragraph:

I think you're right to feel unsafe and confused. He may well be HIV negative, but the problem is, if he has lots of unprotected sex then eventually he is likely to get infected. Does he insist on seeing the GUM test results of everyone who he fucks? Did he ask for yours?? Even if he does, HIV has a long incubation period so it's still a risk. One of the guys that used to comment on my blog a few years ago was a top lawyer (similar to top physicist in my view), and he was quite relaxed about unprotected sex in the same way that your guy is relaxed about it. Eventually I got a very sad email about him that told me he'd become HIV positive.

The reader also asked about anal sex. Anal sex can hurt the guy who takes the bottom role unless he really relaxes his arse muscles. So it sounds like the reader wasn't at all relaxed! I've mentioned this subject before, e.g. back in 2011 when I answered an email from a 20yo gay guy.

The reader also asks whether it's possible for a gay relationship to exist without anal sex. While surfing the internet a few weeks ago I came across a website which had the following to say on that subject:
It's widely claimed that one third of gay couples do not include anal intercourse in their lovemaking.
I'm not sure that the phrase "widely claimed" is correct because I'd never heard that, however I think it means the answer to the reader's question is definitely Yes. In any case, if he's interested to find out more about anal sex he should indeed try the top role at some point, but only if he wants to. He certainly shouldn't let anyone put him under pressure to do so.

In the email that I sent the reader I had one more thing to say. The guy who fucked him without a condom was suggesting that the two of them meet again, and I felt it necessary to give him some advice on that subject. So the final paragraph in my email was as follows:

Finally my advice on the guy that fucked you. Do not see him again. He didn't respect you initial wish for a condom. He doesn't respect you, and I wouldn't spend time with someone like that.

A few days after I sent my reply, I got another email from the reader telling me that he had been able to get the PEPSE treatment :-).

Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on these subjects?


Anonymous said...

Like many people, you're far better at advising others than advising yourself (see your previous post). I think your advice was spot on. I've been in a satisfying 21 year relationship where, after an unsuccessful session we've eschewed anal sex altogether and not regretted it. My experience is that, if it is to work, you need a partner who is respectful and going to help you get there and that, if giving, you need to be equally respectful and, actually, want to do it.

This guy does not appear to be giving your correspondent any respect and you're absolutely right that it's a bad idea for them to meet again. Your correspondent sounds vulnerable and he needs to be able to say no and have that respected. Someone who doesn't do that, shouldn't be allowed back. He needs to find someone who'll give him that respect.


Ken Skinner said...

Never participate in a sex act that you do not want to. It'll only end up making you feel bad about yourself in the long run. Many years ago I went on a GMFA assertiveness course which included aspects of being able to say "no" in just such circumstances. On the course were several guys who felt obligated to do stuff that wasn't what they wanted and their self-esteem was shattered to the point that they ended up putting themselves in abusive relationships because they had come to believe that was all they deserved.

Enjoy sex. It's a wonderful thing.

P said...

I would say take responsibility for your own body because no-one else will. Men will say anything to get sex even if that means lying and cheating. If you don't believe me you only need to just check out sites such as BBRT and Breedingzone.
But if you do slip up then there is always PEP. It is important you are aware of this. It will only be effective if taken within 72 hours.

For those that bareback regularly there is an study where taking one pill a day will cut your risk of HIV. They are currently recruiting:

Some of the GMFA courses are very helpful and Kenski is right.

Personally I would think most gay guys would want anal sex but some of the people I know have some of the strongest relationships without any anal sex at all. I didn't particularly enjoy it for the first couple of times and then you do but you need to do it with the right person if you are going to try it at all.