How do I meet other gay professionals in Asia?

Just over a week ago, I received the following email from a gay guy in Asia:

Dear GB,

I just found your blog by chance and I think it's great! Thanks for all the information. I just need a little bit of advice, and would be most grateful if you could help.

I am oriental, and now not a banker. I am a lawyer with one of the magic circle firms, and now aged around 30. I just fully accepted that I am gay, and will now stop dating women. All my life, whether in the City, HK or BKK (where I am now based) I have always fancied male clients and colleagues. They are of course lawyers and bankers! The problem is that we are all straight acting, and if we fancy another straight acting gay person we never get to know. No one is certain so no first move! I just found out from a senior VP of a bank that after 7 years of having worked together, he really fancies me! Days go by without knowing where and how to find like minded people even though you work with and talk to them every day!

How do we get to know others gay professionals in our societies? It's hard. Do you know any similar blog or website for professional gay bankers mainly in Asia? I have moved back to Thailand now.

Again, your views would be most welcome.

Warm regards

I feel I should say straight away that I have no idea what the answer to this guy's problem is :-(. In London we have the interbank drinks, the village drinks, and also citypink for lesbians. But in Asia, I don't know of anything equivalent, in any of the major cities.

Now that my boyfriend number 2 knows about this blog, I asked him for his advice because he's originally from Singapore. But I didn't think his reply was very useful! All he said was

Ask him to check out www.fridae.com. He'll find plenty of dates and mates there.

Of course, I would have mentioned www.fridae.com anyway. It's the gay dating web site which is based in Asia, and I know about it because I myself have had a profile with them for over two and a half years. I expect the reader who sent me the email knows about it too! But in terms of a web site focussed on gay professionals in Asia, I have no idea.

If there isn't any way for gay professionals to meet in Asian cities, perhaps it's a business opportunity for some of the local gay professionals? In any case, since I'm clueless here, the main purpose of this Dear GB posting is to get reader's views. So does anyone know of any way for gay professionals to meet each other in Asia?

A surprise for boyfriend number 2

On the first Wednesday in October, I got an email from boyfriend number 2. Nothing unusual about that because we email each other all the time, but what he had to say came as a pleasant surprise:

bf#2: Hey GB, are you able to take a few days off work in Mid October? If so, perhaps we could go somewhere warm and sunny together? I know this is a bit last minute. But will be fun to get away so impromptu like this!

It turns out that I can indeed get time off from the bank, so I get on to my travel agent to find a suitably elegant spa hotel in the Caribbean for us. And a week and a half later, the day after my afternoon in New York city, I'm flying down to the Bahamas for a short holiday with boyfriend number 2. I haven't seen him since our trip to Fire Island in June, so it'll be good to catch up with him face to face.

Over breakfast at the start of our second day, we're chatting about Roman history.

"I always thought that it was Julius Caesar who was the first Roman emperor," I say to boyfriend number 2.

"No, it was Augustus Caesar, I'm 120% sure!" replies boyfriend number 2 sounding quite confident.

Although I studied Latin at school that was quite a long time ago, so when we get back to our room I go over to my laptop to see who's right.

"OK," I admit, "it seems like you're right, I've got it up on wikipedia."

"See, I told you," says boyfriend number 2 triumphantly, leaning over my shoulder.

"Hey GB," he continues, "what's that minimised web page, it says 'Gay Banker'?"

OH BUGGER! I've done it again!! Last year, my friend P spotted 'Gay Banker' on my PDA, but as far as I know he didn't connect me to this blog.

"Errrr, well, ..." I stammer. Although I've thought about coming out to boyfriend number 2 as a blogger in the past, in the end I decided against the idea, "It's, it's just a web site that I sometimes visit ...".

I sound very unconvincing and I know it :-(.

"Don't you think it's rude to look at what's on other peoples laptops?" I say going on the attack, but feeling annoyed with myself for allowing myself to get into this situation.

"Oh come on, what is 'Gay Banker'?" says boyfriend number 2 again, really curious now. "Some porn site I bet. You may as well tell me because you know I'll just Google it and find out anyway!"

"I'll, um, tell you later ..."

Luckily we're about to go out so I manage to change the subject. But what on earth can I do? It would be much better if I tell boyfriend number 2 about my blog, rather than letting him find it for himself, but what will he think about all those conversations of his that I've blogged about?

Calming down a bit, I realise that I've got a few hours to prepare myself to tell him about this blog. We've both got massage treatments booked in the hotel spa, so he won't have a chance to use Google until after that. If I manage to get back first then I can probably delay him until after dinner, which is good because coming out as a blogger would probably best be done over dinner.

Everything goes according to plan. Although I get back from the spa after him, he's calmly reading a magazine on the terrace. I doubt he could have got back much before me so my secret must still be safe.

But what's the best way to tell him? Saying "I've got a confession to make ..." implies there's something wrong with what I've been doing, and invites a negative response. I decide to take a piece of my own advice. Applying the confidence mirror concept, I have to be confident about my blog in order to get the right reaction.

A few hours later, we're in the best restaurant at the neighbouring hotel and I decide that it's now or never.

"There's something important that you don't know about me," I say smiling, "and I don't think you'll ever guess!"

"Really, what?" says boyfriend number 2, looking slightly concerned.

"Don't worry, it's nothing bad," I reply, and taking a deep breath I go for it, "I'm a blogger :-). I've been blogging anonymously about my personal life since my visit to Singapore in February 2005. For a blogger I've got a reasonably sized readership, and you're one of the major characters!"

"No!! Really :-)??" he replies.

"Uh huh, at present I get an average of over 400 visitors to my blog each day! But don't worry, everything is anonymous so I don't mention your name, you're called 'boyfriend number 2'."

"Seriously ... ?"

"As part of my blog I'm also an agony uncle! Every now and then, people email me about problems in their personal lives, and I post responses on my blog."

"So you're a celebrity blogger, I can't believe it!"

"Well, no, I don't have anywhere like a large enough readership to be a 'celebrity blogger', but I suppose it's successful in a minor way :-)! Most of the blog relates to what I've been doing, including various encounters with guys if you know what I mean, so if you read it then you're effectively reading my personal private diary."

"Oh, perhaps I shouldn't read it then," says boyfriend number 2 looking slightly embarrassed.

"I don't know, it's up to you. Perhaps you should just read the bits about you, so that you know what I've been saying?"

I can see from his face that boyfriend number 2 doesn't really know what to think about all of this. But given that he's one of the major characters, I decide to make one thing clear.

"There's something I want to say though," I say smiling, and looking him straight in the eye, "you're much more important to me than my blog. So if you don't like it, or if I've said something you don't like, then I'll change it, or even delete my entire blog if you want me to."

Even though this is all new to him, I can tell that he knows that this is an important statement. He smiles back at me lovingly.

"Well, perhaps I should read some of it, I'm quite intrigued now. But promise me that you won't change anything, I want to read what everyone else has read!"

"Well, there are 450 posts now. It would be a monumental task for me to go through it all and make sure there's nothing that I think would offend you. So I promise I won't touch it."

We chat a bit more and soon our first course arrives.

"Actually," says boyfriend number 2 looking a bit sheepish, "I've got a confession to make too."

"Uh huh?" I say smiling, "so what have you been up to?"

"I knew! I've known about 'Gay Banker' for four hours now!! I know I was reading a magazine when you got back from your massage but in fact I was back about 30 minutes before you and I knew I had time. I didn't get it straight away, but Google is a wonderful tool :-)!"

I burst into laughter.

"So what would you have done if I hadn't told you?" I ask, feeling slightly cheated out of my revelation.

"I guess I'd have become one of your readers!"

Over the course of the next few days we chat about blogging, and I point boyfriend number 2 to some of the posts which relate to him.

"Actually, it's not too bad," he admits when he's seen a few of the more important ones. He even giggles a bit at the post about the nightmare I had.

"Perhaps I should become a blogger too?" says boyfriend number 2 toward the end of the holiday, "I've got a few stories to tell too you know!"

"I'd love to become your first reader," I say giving him a peck on the lips. "If you want to do it, let's set it up while we're here, in case there's anything you want help with."

"Great, but I warn you," says boyfriend number 2 with a glint in his eye, "I've been dating quite a few guys, especially in recent months :-). I hope you won't be shocked by what I get up to!"

As yet, boyfriend number 2 hasn't got around to setting up his own blog. But if he does (and if he lets me know where his blog is!) then I'll do a small posting about it :-).

It's finally happened. Someone I blog about has discovered this blog. So what does the future hold for 'GB'? I guess I'd better make a promise to all my existing readers. As long as boyfriend number 2 doesn't ask me to delete this blog, I promise that my blogging style won't change. The truth is, I simply enjoy blogging too much!

Dear GB

I've been living with my main boyfriend since 1989 and I absolutely adore him, however my relationship with him is not monogamous. I started playing around in the mid 1990's and I made sure he didn't find out about it because I knew it would upset him. But ten years later when our relationship was going through a rocky patch in spring 2005, I actually ended up going away on holiday with someone else, and I now regard that guy as a second boyfriend. I admitted everything to my main boyfriend when I got back from that holiday. After a lot of talking, including extensive relationship counselling, our lives seemed to settle down. The fact that the second boyfriend lives in a different country did ease some of my main boyfriend's concerns. With my main boyfriend's knowledge, I've carried on seeing my second boyfriend every now and then.

It now turns out that my main boyfriend had successfully managed to keep his personal crisis about the situation to himself. The relationship counselling which we had together stopped over a year ago, but three months ago he told me that he subsequently found a counsellor just for himself and that he's been seeing him ever since. The settled lives that I thought we had were an illusion, because he told me that every day he was waking up thinking about the same question, namely whether he should leave me or not. This became the only thing he could think about, so it got to the point where his mental health was deteriorating badly.

I have no idea what to do, although I do know that I have to help my main boyfriend recover somehow. My best idea for that is to buy him a place to live near me, so that we no longer have to share the same house, but none the less we can perhaps still stay boyfriends. I think that will help him past the question that's been haunting him, as well as giving him the financial security that he lacks. But in fact, after that, perhaps it's better for both of us to stop being boyfriends and try to be close friends instead? And should I try and make a new life with my second boyfriend, if it turns out that he's interested in a deeper relationship than the one we currently have? The problem with that is that he lives in a different country, although I can envisage circumstances which might allow me to move to be with him or vice-versa. There are other guys in my life too, but the only really significant ones are boyfriend number 1 and boyfriend number 2.

I feel that the only certainty in my life is that the future will be very different to the life that I've had in recent years. But trying to work out what that life should be, I feel lost. Any advice you have would be much appreciated.

Email from a female reader with a bisexual ex-boyfriend

Early last week, I got the following email from an Asian female reader:

Dear GB,

My ex-boyfriend and I are 24 years old. We've been together for two years, and we're still very close. We broke up because we couldn't take the stress of a long distance relationship. But I just learned that there was one other reason for the break. Recently, he told me he was bisexual, and it was just this year that he fully accepted his bisexuality.

In the past, he's had crushes on women and has been in relationships with them. However, he told me that he has also been attracted to men since puberty; but he has never acted on them. Even with all the opportunities he has to be with other men, he has never taken advantage of them.

He also says that he still loves me very much, and wants to get married to me, and be a good father. I asked him if he will be completely faithful to me after marriage. He said yes. He also says that he doesn't ever want to act on any of his attractions to other men. I'm inclined to believe him because he's a very disciplined, strong person.

We're able to sexually satisfy each other, so at least I know he still gets aroused by me. He also trusts me completely, and tells me everything he feels.

As much as I want things between us to be okay, I just have 2 niggling thoughts at the back of my head:

1. How can I be sure that he isn't just in a transition phase, and that he's not gay?
2. Can I really trust that he'll be completely faithful to me? I'm worried that I won't be able to satisfy all his desires.

At first I was very shocked at his confession. Being Asian and Catholic, we're not really used to being open about these things. That's why I sympathize about the anguish and despair he must have felt while deciding on his sexuality. And I still love him very much. He's now undergoing counseling with a good therapist.

I hope you can answer these two questions. It will really help. Thanks so much GB! :)

In my experience genuine bisexuals are rare, however this reader's ex-boyfriend certainly might be one. But I'm concerned by the fact that he doesn't want to act on his attractions to other men. It sounds as though he could still be in denial about his sexuality to some extent. At his age, I think it would be healthier to experiment, especially because one of the reader's worries is that he might really be gay. He'll only be in a position to judge whether he is a real bisexual or not once he's experienced the intimate company of both men and women, so I think the reader needs to encourage him to do this. If the "good counsellor" that this guy is seeing has a different view, and for example encourages him to suppress his feelings or pretend that he's straight, then in my opinion the counsellor is doing much more harm than good.

I also think that the Catholic religion is notorious for suppressing people's true sexuality. The anti-gay teachings of the Catholic church, indoctrinated from an early age, have a very strong influence and make everyone want to be straight even if they're not. So as the reader suggests, he could be saying that he's bisexual because he can't yet admit the truth about really being gay. If he resists the idea of experimenting with the gay side of his sexuality, then my guess is that he's really gay rather than bisexual but can't fully admit it to himself yet.

If he's only got very mild attractions to other men, then perhaps he will be able to suppress these feelings forever. More likely though, if he keeps it bottled up inside him, eventually it will reach a point where his feelings for guys erupt in some uncontrollable fashion. Again, I think it's best for him to find out the truth now, rather than make commitments to this reader that he eventually might not be able to keep.

If he decides he's gay, that means by definition that the two of them are not sexually compatible as a couple, so they could remain close friends but shouldn't marry. On the other hand, if they can satisfy each other sexually, then there are further choices to be made in connection with monogamy.

My previous 'Dear GB' posting about bisexuality was fascinating because there was a huge divergence of opinion in the comments. Some comments reckoned that monogamy is possible for bisexuals, others disagreed. But it's clear that male bisexuals can have successful long term relationships with women. There was one woman who sometimes feels that she'd be happy to let her bisexual man sleep with other men. Perhaps the reader here might feel the same way? Probably not because judging from her email, she's looking for a monogamous committment. But I've said many times in this blog that monogamy shouldn't be the issue, the issue is whether a couple are compatible as long term companions and life partners. In the world's main urban centres, sex is very much a commodity, but love is hard to find. Anyway, if the reader were to marry him on the understanding that he's occasionally allowed to sleep with guys, there's a health issue because she needs to be sure that he always has safe sex with other guys, so that he doesn't pass anything on to her.

Again looking at my previous posting about bisexuality, all the bisexuals that left comments have made very adult choices about how to lead their lives. They've experienced sex with both genders, and have subsequently made choices about the gender of their long term partner and whether to be monogamous or not. Until the reader's ex-boyfriend is in the same situation, I don't think he's adult enough to make the choices that he seems to be making. So at present, I think that a relationship with him would be a bad idea.

For another opinion, I asked the same Asian bisexual guy that I asked last time. He said:

I don't think I can answer this question in an unbiased manner. I can only say that I applaud the man's honesty, but I do not think that it was the best move if he wants to marry and have a happy relationship with this gal. My experiences with women with issues tell me that women are not very good at handling truths about their partners. While they may accept what has been said to them, they always tend to suffer from "niggling thoughts". And when the couple quarrel, these niggling thoughts surface into explosive accusations and the likes. In the long run, such thoughts erode the quality of the relatoinship. Hmmm ... not a good move at all I think. And somehow, I suspect she will not appreciate my advice to other men in that situation to lie/doublethink.

Do any readers have any other thoughts on this subject?

Update 1-Jun-2011: Relationships with bisexual men: a cautionary tale

The Ritz

Finding myself at a loose end in New York city last Saturday afternoon, I decide to go and see a matinee. The previous evening, I'd spotted a bill board showing three naked guys with towels wrapped round their waists. Naturally this catches my attention, and on investigation it turns out to be a revival of the play "The Ritz" by Terrence McNally, produced by the Roundabout Theatre Company.

Terrence McNally is famous for his controversial play Corpus Christi where Jesus Christ and the Apostles are depicted as gay men living in modern day Texas! With a strong gay theme and with a few naked guys thrown in for good measure, "The Ritz" seems like a good bet :-).

The play itself is a farce, set in a pre-aids 1970's gay bathhouse, and it's very entertaining. Even better, it turns out that afterwards there's a question and answer session with Terrence McNally himself. It's fascinating listening to what he has to say.

"We painted the original stage set battleship gray," says McNally, "but later we switched it to a much brighter, more cheerful colour. As a result, we got maybe 75% more laughs with an identical script, we didn't change a word!"

"How do you think the film of the play compares to the play itself," someone asks from the audience.

"Well, the film's main actors were from the original stage play, but somehow it wasn't as good. Perhaps one problem was that the director of the film never came to see the play. It was filmed in England too so it's full of pasty British bodies :-(, not really my thing!"

The audience laughs, while I sit there wondering whether I've got a pasty British body!

"Did you update the play for 2007?" asks another member of the audience.

"No, not really. Sure, some of the jokes could have been rewritten to make them current, but one doesn't update Shakespeare's plays so why update this one! What we did do was cut a few lines though, but not many, 5 or 6 perhaps. Don't forget that this play was written before Aids, so given what we know now we felt that a few lines had to go."

After the question and answer session, it's still only 4:45pm in the afternoon, so there's time for a bit of shopping along fifth avenue. And while buying a casual jacket in one of the department stores, I get chatting about "The Ritz" to one of the older shop assistants.

"Really, you saw "The Ritz" this afternoon?" says the guy who's clearly gay, "I know someone who's in it, but I haven't had time to see it yet."

"Really?" I say, surprised by the co-incidence.

"But I know they've had to change a lot from the original. I actually saw the original in the 1970's, and it was really OUTRAGEOUS!"

"Actually Terrence McNally was answering questions afterwards," I reply, not sure whether to believe this guy or not, "and McNally said that the play was identical to the original apart from a few lines which they cut out."

"That's as maybe honey but believe me, the guy who's directed this production has made it much less promiscuous than the original. Don't get me wrong, it's the right thing to do. When the original was made no one knew about Aids!"

Overall, it was a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. Apart from the new jacket that I managed to buy, I was glad to have the opportunity to hear Terrence McNally talking about his plays. Even if he does think that British guys have pasty bodies!