Update on the situation with boyfriend number 1

About three weeks ago I said that my relationship with boyfriend number 1 was probably finished. In reality though, that blog posting was perhaps a bit overdone because everything is far from certain.

In between our sessions with a professional counsellor, we’ve started discussing things between ourselves at home. We only do this once a week, for about an hour, because we both find it very draining.

At the counselling session last week, about half way through the counsellor had something to say.

“I must say this”, she said, “Your 16 year old relationship is dead. You both need to accept that. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue with each other in some sort of new relationship, but that is what it will be.”

I completely agree with her. But at the discussion we had at home recently, boyfriend number 1 said that he disagreed. “No, I don’t think it’s dead”, he said, “I should have said something to her at the time.”

Because of this, and other sentiments that boyfriend number 1 has expressed to me, I have a horrible feeling that boyfriend number 1 really hasn’t really accepted what has happened. It’s been such a complete shock to him that he’s pretending to himself that soon it’ll all be over and we’ll be back to 'normal'. But things are different now. I want to be honest with him going forward. Until he does accept that things have changed, we can’t move on.

Of course the whole situation is my fault because I should have told him years ago that I couldn’t continue with a monogamous relationship. I betrayed his trust. But perhaps I should also accept some of the blame for why he’s having difficulty accepting the situation.

On a day to day basis, we’re carrying on at home and with friends as though nothing has happened. It’s been business as usual. But of course, underneath this façade everything is far from normal. I think I need to break our routine, stop letting him cook for me perhaps, and stop cuddling him in bed. Things are not normal so I don’t think I should allow us to pretend that they are.

Perhaps we should even have a trial separation? I think that’ll be much harder for him than me. Although we’re talking a lot, there’s been very little progress so maybe something a bit more drastic is called for. I still love him, and he says he loves me too. But he’s still in love with the GB he thought he had, rather than the one that writes this blog.

I think all this will be my agenda for our next counselling session.