An email from a gay guy in San Francisco

About a couple of weeks ago, I got the following email in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I read your blog all the time, really enjoy it, and thank you for the work and effort you put into it. I love the way your mind works, and respect the fact that you do what you want to do. I could use some advice from you, as I feel you would understand my situation.

BF and I have been in relationship for 5 years. We met online and live only several blocks away from each other in SF. BF is 8 years older, he is a wonderful sweet man, and when I met him my mother had recently died a horrible and sudden death. I was at a total low point in my life, and he brought me back to life. I started working out again (got pretty ripped too) and got my "groove back".

At first the sex was pretty good but not great. After the first year it became rare, and at this point, we have had sex only twice in the past year. I lived with him for the first year most of the time, and learned early on that he is a chronic masturbater. He is a successful businessman but works from home, and being home all day, he spends huge amount of time online. He is constantly j/o with other guys via webcam, and is addicted to Internet porn too. By the time I get home, the party is over, so to speak. He is also out of shape, and he drinks and smokes too. This affects his ability to get it up, so he takes Viagra to j/o online. When we go somewhere, he is always pointing out boys that he and his former BF had three-ways with. I learned from a friend that he and his former BF did have three-ways so this is likely to be true, but I also learned that part of the reason his former BF left him was the lack of sex in their relationship.

Anyway about two weeks ago we where at a friend's house up in Sonoma County, and one of the guests who I knew came on to me. I had had a few drinks, and BF came into the room when I was getting a BJ. He was mad at me, even though over the years he's pretty muched told me to find some sex outside of the relationship (I'm pretty horned up most of the time). He forgave me and that was that. Then last weekend, we went out to a few parties and a drunk friend came over to BF's country house late at night to try to hook up with one of our house guests. I don't know how it happened (thank you Vodka and Cranberry juice) but I ended up have sex with this "friend" in one of the guest rooms. BF went crazy! I realize now, I should not "shit where I eat", but it just happened. I usually confine my infidelities to the gym like you used to, or a few regular Fbuds. The next morning he drove me to the train and told me that I embarrassed him and he was really mad.

I did speak to him over the course of this week, and he told me he didn't want to see me. I totally love him and he is my best friend, but he has his faults. As we don't have sex, I really didn't think it was such a big deal, but he does. He is controlling and has abusive compulsive tendencies, yet I still love him and can't believe that he wants to break up.

On the flip side, maybe I should just be a big boy and move on. Any thoughts on this would be helpful. Should I stay or should I move on? I like being in a relationship as dating is hell. I'm 37 here, and still pretty gentle on the eyes. Maybe I just hate the idea of being dumped, but you worked it out with your BF, and I would really like to stay with mine if he would change his mind. Talk to me GB and give me some of your insight.

A loyal reader

What a long e-mail! The guy put a lot of effort into telling me about his situation, so after a lot of thought, I sent him the following reply just before I went on holiday.

Dear reader,

Anyway, I can’t help wondering why in the space of two weeks you’ve put yourself in situations where your bf might (and has!) discovered you having sex with other guys. All it needed was a bit of alcohol to lower your guard. Subconsciously, perhaps the intention was to get caught and bring the situation to a head?

What do you want from a relationship? I reckon as relationships mature, the companionship aspect becomes more important than the sexual aspect, which is the situation I find myself in with boyfriend number 1. Also as we get older the need for sex gradually decreases too.

If you want lots of hot sex with your partner I’m sure you need to move on – it’s just not going to happen. But if you’re happy getting most (or all?) your sex away from home, because the companionship aspect works well with the current bf, perhaps you can patch things up.

If you do stay with him I think you need to communicate better. You should chat with him openly about the rules of sexual engagement, and then stick to them. Not doing that ten years ago was a mistake I made with boyfriend number 1, but I hope I’m back on track now. If you can’t find a way to talk to him about sex, then I don’t see how the companionship aspect can work because you can’t communicate properly on a very important issue.

Don’t be scared to move on though. At 37 you still have plenty of time to find a soul mate. I’m a big monogamy sceptic of course, and I guess you probably are too given your experiences. I think that helps, because it’s realistic. If you do end up with another guy though, make sure you talk to him openly about issues like this so that you don’t end up in the same situation after another five years.

Above all don’t be a victim. Try and take control of the situation.

Good luck, GB xxx

Do any other readers have any advice for this guy?