Email from a young gay guy in a long distance relationship

A few days ago, I received the following e-mail.

Dear GB,

I'm a Malaysian American guy who's been living mostly in Milan since I was 10. Now in my final year of my masters in economics and finance in Switzerland and about to do a summer internship at a major investment bank in NYC, I discovered your blog yesterday and read almost through all of it, as you do when you're student with nothing better to do. Really enjoy the way you're writing about your life and your stories about your bf nr. 2 and 3 etc. totally remind me of the feeling of infatuation I had when I first fell in love. Such a huge turn on and so much better than all the pornographic crap one normally reads! I know you don't respond to offers that would compromise your true identity, so just take this as a flattering ego boost ;-) And if you ever decide to contact me for some fun in the future, you can find me on fridae or gaydar [NB: profile names deleted, but he's definitely an attractive guy :-)].

Now here's my situation: I've been together with this British expat in Singapore for over 2 years. He's older than me and has a successful banking career, which bothered me in the beginning because I didn't want to have a sugar daddy, but I guess I just got used to being spoilt :-) Got to know him first when I was there for an exchange semester, then lived together with him last year when I did an internship there, but for the rest of the time we had a long-distance thing going on with talking almost every day via Skype and seeing each other every 2 months for just a week. Looking back now, I'm amazed that we've made it so far, especially since neither of us believed in long-distance relationships. And now, coincidentally, he's relocating to NYC so we'll be able to live together during my internship.

The problem is that he's just confessed to me today, after 2 1/2 years of "relationship", that he lied about his age. Suddenly he became 16 years older than me instead of 10 originally. I was clearly shocked but remained calm and rational during the conversation, constantly wondering how stupid I was not to notice it myself. But afterwards I went out for a run and that's when I became really furious and confused...

He started off by telling me how difficult this has been for him and that he wanted to tell me about this much earlier but never found the right moment. And he fully acknowledges the fact that the later he tells me this, the more upset I would be. In a way I can understand the difficulties of his situation, but still can't help feeling betrayed and disappointed. I told him that from my perspective, he should have come clean to me about this when our relationship had become "serious" and there was "feelings" involved. I've read that you have an "internet age" yourself, so it would be very interesting to hear from you when it's a good time to confess one's offline age.

The truth is however, that I'm completely capable and willing to forgive his "white lie", but what's really bothering me is simply the fact that he's 16 years older than me and could almost be my father! Being Asian, I've always been suspicious about those interracial, sugar daddy-gold digger relationships which are so common. Just talked to my Asian fag hag who's in a relationship with a Danish guy and she has been suffering from the same kind of social (mis)perception, especially when they were in living in Shanghai last year, probably one of the most materialistic places nowadays. I've always promised myself not to become one of those stereotypical gold digger type which I find degrading, so if I do stay together with my bf, I would have to compromise on my dignity and self-respect. And what's even worse is that I'm almost certain that if we do stay together, I will sooner or later end up looking for someone younger and better, since deep inside I don't really see any long-term future for us both. So it wouldn't be fair to any us to pretend that nothing has changed and just to postpone the inevitable :-(((((

Before he told me the age thing, everything seemed perfect, or almost. I mean I really did adore him, especially his dry English humour. He's very self-confident and claims to never DO jealousy, and he's very supportive of my studies/career choices, even if it means not to be able to live together. But his interest in sex or drive just seems to be way below mine. At the beginning the sex was good, although never great, and over the time the frequency as well as the intensity declined gradually, now it's always me who has to initiate any sexual activity, and we stopped j/o in front of webcam a long time ago :-( He told me he's not seeing anyone else (which I do believe) and that it has nothing to do with me (so what the f*ck is it then?!). Even though I do believe that he hasn't got tired of me and that he still treasures my company, the situation hasn't improved significantly even after talking about it and it was taking a toll on my self-esteem.

Partly because of this, I haven't really been a good boy when I'm separated from him, regularly logging on to chats and hooking up with some hotties (although I never met up with anyone when I was living with him, just seems to be awfully complicated). But I never allow myself to develop any emotional attachment with any of my f*ckbuddies, so I really envy you of having bf status with so many guys. Still I often end up feeling really guilty about my behaviour, especially because I'm pretty certain that he's not having any extra-marital activities and we never officially agreed on an open relationship. On the other hand, I'm just not (yet) willing to sacrifice my youth, and the thought of committing myself to a single sausage for the rest of my life scares the living sh*t out of me :-)

When I talked to him again after I calmed down a bit, I was able to tell him exactly how I feel and as usual he listened and reacted in a very constructive manner. In a way, he's still the same sweet guy, just (suddenly) a bit older, so should this "minor detail" really change how I feel about him? But on the other hand, I couldn't stop trying to look for something "old" about him and something that would confirm my worries that we might be incompatible because of the age difference, am I subconsciously looking for reasons to end this relationship? He suggested that we should still live together during my internship and see it as a probation period. But I'm quite tempted of getting a place of my own so I can have a backup option if things don't work out between us. What should I do? Should I give this relationship a chance or prepare myself to move on? Any advice or comment would be appreciated...

It's true that my 'Internet Age' is not my true age. But it's also true that I always tell guys my true age if I'm keen on them and start seeing them regularly. Indeed, the guy called P in that posting about Internet Age is now known in this blog as boyfriend number 2, and I told him my true age during that conversation. Similarly, I told boyfriend number 3 my true age during my third encounter with him.

I think there are potential problems with relationships where there's a big age difference between the two people, gay or straight. One of the benefits of having a life-partner is having someone to slowly grow old with, and as that happens one's lifestyle changes. A large gap between two people involved in a relationship means that they're at different stages in the cycle of life, and eventually that is likely to matter. One obvious example is sex drive, which has gradually decreased for me as I've got older. The fact that the reader's boyfriend has a much lower sex drive than the reader himself now as an explanation.

Where did this concept that a guy should only have one boyfriend come from? It seems very narrow minded to me, and coincidentally, I got an e-mail from a reader in New Zealand yesterday making exactly this point. In my opinion, once one had developed a strong boyfriend-style bond with another guy, there should never be any need to throw that away. So when one's in the same city as such a guy, whatever one's current relationship status, why not spend time together and have sex together if one wants to. However in the case of this reader, perhaps he should try and get another boyfriend in addition to his current older boyfriend, and preferably the new boyfriend would be someone much closer to his own age.

To me, the fact that the reader's boyfriend claims he doesn't do jealousy is a clear statement that he doesn't mind at all if the reader sees other guys for casual sex. But perhaps he would mind if the reader were to develop stronger emotional ties with other guys, which is what getting a second boyfriend would mean? However, if he loves the guy he should accept the situation, given that there's such a big difference between the two of them.

So yes, give the relationship a chance, but at the same time move on in the sense that you should try and develop emotional bonds with other guys too. Think of it this way. When you tell the restaurant waiter that you want ice-cream for dessert, and he asks which whether you want strawberry or mango flavour, tell him that you want a full portion of both :-)!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?