Monday, July 16, 2007

Do all gay relationships start with sex?

Yes, its all about sex!
A few weeks ago, I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a regular reader of your blog. After I came out, I was very cautious of the gay life, as societal stereotype has it as a promiscuous lifestyle. The opening line of Queer As Folk says it well: "Yes, its all about sex".

I've always steered clear of anything that's gay after I came out, hoping I can "straighten" myself out with prayer. Until last year when a "straight" friend of mine came out to me. He's more accepting with his gayness, and I've kind of taken on his attitudes towards life. I suppose I really came out to myself then and accepted that maybe I should give gay life a shot.

So I've been more open to relationships. I've joined a few dating sites, which I find totally useless (mostly because I get old guys hitting on me, and most profiles are just dead). Plus, having been in a straight life all my life, and having many great straight friends, I don't see myself becoming all gay and purple, and starting a new gay life with gay friends. Suffice it to say, I'm gay and I'm trapped in the straight world, and don't want to leave it - mostly because there's nothing wrong with it.

But in a straight world, people date, and people find lovers. As friends find lovers, I'm left alone, wanting someone special also. I'm not wanting this just because my friends are dating, but because, after accepting myself, and opening myself to the possibility of gay relationship, I've started to think about the possibility, and am now kinda itching for it.

OK, I'd better get to the point. I'm wondering if all gay relationships start off with sex? It seems to me that the straight pattern of dating is absent in gay culture. What I mean is: boy meets boy, boy has crush on boy, boy ask boy out and become friends, boy and boy become boyfriends. And somewhere done the line, boy have sex with boy. But it seems to me that gay relationships only spring out from "the guy who I slept with from that party" or some sexual encounter. Is it possible to start a gay relationship by just meeting guys, falling in love the traditional way, get to know each other and leaving sex until we really have feelings for each other. After reading two other fellow bloggers views, I agree that I don't want to throw away my first time on some recreational fuck.

Or maybe boys will always be boys, and would not be able to control themselves but have sex before any real feelings have developed.

I know I sound kinda like a chick, but don't get me wrong, I do think sex is important (and fun), but I just don't want to do things that I'll regret later.

Sorry for the long email. Its not really a problem, just a thought I had, and I'd would like to hear your thoughts on this (since you've been through this).

It's an interesting question, and I think the answer is "No, not ALL gay relationships start with sex". But I must confess, my own experience is very much along the lines of what the reader is suggesting, i.e. sex comes first! Although it was a couple of weeks before I managed to get inside boyfriend number 1's undershorts when we first met, I met both boyfriend number 2 and boyfriend number 3 online and we'd had our wicked way with each other almost immediately :-).

However, I can definitely think of a few friends of mine who became boyfriends with a guy after having been friends first, so it is possible. In the blogging world, it's also clear that both HBH and GBD have been dating, rather than screwing around.

Anyway, since the original purpose of this blog was to write about encounters with other guys, my experience in relation to this was always going to be skewed towards the promiscious end of the spectrum. But I'm wondering what the experience of everyone else is. It would be great if a few guys could leave some comments on this subject ... ?


Anonymous said...

i think, the trick is not to look at the whole thing in such a straitjacket. if you do meet a ncie guy, who's interested in u, and vice versa, and u wanna get to know him better first before hitting the sack, chances are he'll agree, if he's really that nice and well-suited to u. then again, he might not share ure sensibilities, and think sex is no big deal - so then its up to u to decide whether u wanna give in, or hold out for yerself. as much as this sounds like a counseling session, i dont think the situation is really that much different from a strt scene.

and then, u might think that, rather than remain celibate till u meet the nice guy who shares ure sensibilities, u might wanna have some fun while waiting.... well, thats ure choice again. not really rocket science, na?

Tales of the City said...

I would say so.. Men tend to be visual.. and horny. Put to men together... And well there you have it.

Monty said...

I have certainly experienced the shag first ask questions later's fun, there's no question. But I do agree, it is possible to start with a mutual attraction that can build into something more without sex being a neccessity. but as closetalk said, you do need to be upfront with it, with your desire to get to know each other first, before sex comes into play. :-)

Jeff said...

Is it possible yes, but it is rare. I applaud you in your desires and think that you will be for the better of it if you wait. You may feel like the odd man out but anyone worth having is worth the wait. And if he can not d0 the same then he's not the one. You have values that you want to stand by so stand by them and don't let others dissuade you.

Superchilled said...

My relationship, now nearing 12 years, started with us being friends first (and not knowing if the other was gay) with sex following the initial 5 or 6 weeks of getting to know each other. The romance in it was fantastic and the increasing desires etc... The thrill of the courting is great fun - and can heighten the sex when it does begin, so I have no regrets there. But if we had known each other were gay in the first place - would the story be different? I'm not really sure. I think sometimes there is too much emphasis on sex and if the sex isn't perfect the first time, people might end a relationship before it has a chance. If you know someone a little better to start with, the intimacy will be stronger. I think most gay guys DO have a sense of romance, and are quite okay with the idea of taking things slowly, at least for a while.

Coming from a religious background, your reader probably has some issues with guilt about sex, and that can take some time to resolve, but life is too short, sex is too good and religion is riddled with mind games.
I suggest: do what feels right for yourself, never feel guilty about that, sex or delayed sex. It's all good.

Sir Wobin said...

Building on what Trevor said, even if you do find "the right guy" who meets a long list of requirements you have and fall in love, shag, move to the suburbs, get the dog, white picket fence etc. things change and people grow. Happily ever after is a long time and people are complex creatures. Sex is good to have in the mix but is ultimately part of a big package. Don't make it too big an issue.

About that long list... being too fussy can make you miserable, having no principles can make you miserable. Keeping yourself in too tight a corner where other people thing you're too high maintenance can also be an issue. Somewhere in-between is probably where you stand the best chance of happiness.

Good luck mate!

Humming Bird in Hyde said...

Well, seems like this is clearly a grey area. Any scientists in the audience? Good post GB.

Anonymous said...

Expectations of what your first time should be, I think can lead to dissapointment. Go with the flow.

If you don't feel comfortable hitting the scene, online dating is an opportunity to date a few men, get to the know them, and if it feels right, to sleep with them. And if some of the guys, despite your rebuff at their first date sex instincts, still want more, then there might just be more to them. I've met many guys who are after just the one thing, but equally as many who are looking for the prospect of something more. And for a happy ending...that's how I met my boyfriend of 2 years (and things are still going strong)

p.s. we didn't do it on the first date!

Anonymous said...

It's a tough one. I believe that it depends on the people involved. For me, none of the 'encounters' (as GB calls them) that I've had has lead to a relationship. That could be because I was only interested in sex or maybe I was crap in bed!

Having said that, most of the long-term relationships I've had did not start with sex on the first date. It's quite exciting waiting for a while before jumping into bed, IMHO.

GBD xxx

muse-ic said...

I've had relationships that started both with sex and with dating. In all truthfulness, I prefer the ones that don't start with sex.

Anonymous said...

I resolved the issue this morning, and no, for me it's sure not going to work starting a relationship with another guy with sex, let alone having him over to be intimate.

Last week was our first time together, we got teasy with each other, I got naked but it was dry (good thing, as he just tested positive for the clap, and he's just started antibiotics, thus cant be sex for the next couple of weeks).

Our plan was to get together this weekend, but given my nervousness and other insecurities (I'm bi, never had a boyfriend before, also CSA survivor and that's popped up a little but nothing unmanageable thanks to therapy for the flashbacks).

Put short, after having the pop up thought about the end of the relationship (before we've truly begun), more processing about becoming the "femme" in the relationship (wow, massive eye opener, but its how it's working in my mind), and seeing the path we're starting down being the same as the FWB with a woman that I've turned to just friends now I've met him, I called off him spending the night this weekend and rebooked it as a date to make it more "traditional."

End result, I just wiped out my insecurity and boosted my comfort levels (no issue last week, and we could have had sex but it wouldn't be moving this way now).

So yeah, making it "all about sex" (of course this was a selling point to QAF, that it could be natural and hot as it is with more straight soaps with sex) won't work as the starylt for me and likely many other guys in a "gay" (only because I'm bi, plus same-sex is longer to say) relationship.

Is this better? For me and my guy friend, yes, were actually similarly minded to hold off on the sex. For those who met out of a one night stand and it worked, maybe not.

My guess is, don't hold onto stereotypes or entertainment presentations (even QAF, but what little I watched of it I enjoyed) and assert the relationship progression you need to make it work for you. And if you try one way that doesn't work, call it a mistake, own it, learn from it and change your mind for the better.

I might have called off what will be my first relationship with a guy. Now I've got the "we're dating" excitement and lack of concern now I'm not moving so quickly.

OMG, Sunday I'll be holding a guy's hand on a date. Excuse me while I gush at the thought ��

GB said...

Well, recent anonymous commenter, you like your 3 letter acronyms. I *think* I worked them out, CSA survivor presumably means Child Sexual Abuse survivor (sorry to hear that), FWB must be Friends With Benefits, and of course QAF must be Queer As Folk!

Anyway, good luck with your new relationship :-). GB xxx