In a few weeks time, I'll be off on a business trip to New York, and I'm expecting that boyfriend P will be able to be there at the same time. So I'm looking forward to the trip enormously :-). Hopefully we'll be able to be each other's "boyfriend number 1" while we're together.
Long time readers of this blog may recall that I used to number my boyfriends, based on when I first got to know them. So boyfriend S was "boyfriend number 1", boyfriend P was "boyfriend number 2", and so on. However I changed the boyfriend nomenclature a few months ago because the "number 1" in "boyfriend number 1" suggested that "boyfriend number 1" is more important that "boyfriend number 2". One reason for the change is the fact that boyfriend P, previously known as boyfriend number 2, is probably more important to me now than boyfriend S who was previously known as boyfriend number 1. Anyway, what I mean is that while I'm with boyfriend P, I'm hoping that we'll both be able to be each other's "most important" boyfriend!
One good thing about my relationship with boyfriend P is that our communication about difficult issues has always been very good. Right from the start he's known about boyfriend S living with me in London, and I've always known that he's been looking for a permanent boyfriend to share a monogamous relationship with him in the city where he lives.
"You know that I go out on dates with other guys every now and then, don't you GB?" said boyfriend P to me a month or two ago.
"Yes, why?" I ask.
"Well, how would you feel if I found someone who I want to commit to?"
"Hmmm," I say after a pause, "well would be still be able to see each other as boyfriends, and go on holiday with each other etc?"
"No of course not," says boyfriend P with a serious tone in his voice, "you know that what I'm really looking for a monogamous relationship!"
"I thought you'd say that :-(", I reply. "So if you do find a nice guy that you want to commit to, I'd be extremely upset :-((."
And in fact, since then boyfriend P has found a guy that he really likes.
"Don't worry," he said recently, "we're certainly not boyfriends yet, so I definitely won't have committed to him by the time that your business trip to New York comes along!"
But I do feel as though I'm slowly becoming "boyfriend number 2"!
It's a bit of a dilemma. I'm sure that we'll have a lovely time while we're together because we always do. As I said above, hopefully we'll be able to be each other's "boyfriend number 1" while we're together :-). But what should I do when the business trip is over? If he commits to this guy he likes, or anyone else for that matter, I'll be heartbroken :-(. So would it be best to try and start distancing myself from him after my business trip, so that when the inevitable happens and he does find a permanent boyfriend for a monogamous relationship then it wont hurt so much?
Monday, June 02, 2008
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16 comments:
His cards have always been on the table, as have yours, so from your perspective, this eventuality has always been on the horizon; were I in the same situation, I'd expect to have to deal with my own emotional fallout simply because it's a scenario I committed to knowingly.
I don't think, therefore, that I'd deliberately distance myself from him; rather, I'd do my best to simply be there as best I could while these boys give it a try. It does seem the more selfless, or loving, course of action, and while personal experience has shown that it's not the easiest thing to work your way through, it's certainly worth the effort if it means safeguarding a strong relationship (whether platonic or otherwise) with someone you love.
Of course, all situations are different; ball in your court etc. ;) Good luck.
look, if u really r a successful wealthy international banker, guys should be queueing up to be your bf
ditch the loser and find someone who appreciates you
Uhh, brad can't have been reading this blog for long if he would describe P as a loser. Either that or his comprehension skills need work...
You don't have to react to circumstances that haven't arisen yet GB. Enjoy what it is now and deal with change when it happens. Savour his company as a bf while you are both of a mind to.
That said, the writing has always been on the wall for your relationship with P. Either you have to commit to him soon to keep him or he'll move on when he gets a committed (not sure better) offer. You haven't lost the option of keeping him by committing to monogamy although that doesn't seem like your style.
Bracing for change is sensible. Reacting to anticipated events is not IMHO.
Hope you guys have a lovely time together.
As soon as you change the way you interact you're changing the relationship and it may well trigger other changes that wouldn't otherwise happen. If Boyfriend P can so readily be wanting another, exclusive relationship then perhaps his connection with you is not quite the same as yours with him.
Why can't you be in a committed relationship with him? Seems pretty straightforward to me. I'm guessing you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship.
Sir Wobin's post is eminently semsible. BF P could just be testing you to see if you will commit. Carrie and Big if you will! J.x
It seems to me that you can't give boyfriend P what he needs to be happy. I would suggest giving him enough space to truly fall for this guy if that's the way it's headed. It may be hard for you at first but seeing him happy should more than make up for it.
Kind of agreeing with anonymous above. You should care enough to let him find what he believes will give him long-term happiness.
If he's really that much into you, it will be difficult for him as well.
I admit that I am only an occasional reader of this blog (but I do really enjoy it) would you consider switching things around asking bf number 1 to move out, and moving in with bf number2, But I guess that wouldn´t really solve the monogamous issue. Its a hard situation, it seems to me, as sad as it is, that if you can´t or don´t want to commit to number 2 and thats what he needs and wants you will have to let him go. Have a great time in NYC and then let him go.
Thanks for all the sensible thoughts and comments guys :-). Everything obviously depends on what happens when I see boyfriend P in New York, assuming that both our trips end up happening. So no hasty decisions about the future before then, not from me anyway!
GB xxx
I just have to say that after folloeing your blog for a while I experimented with dating a few guys from the Far East and found it rather refreshing. It really challenged the preconceived notions I had and none were anything like the screaming queens on the scenes I used to frequent before I graduated. Now I think I know why the war veterans hold much respect for the Asain soldiers they fought in the past.
Good luck to you, if P decides that he can accept an open relationshup I'm sure you'll be the one. x
Do you think your blogging about this whole situation might have anything to do with indirectly letting boyfriend P know much you care about him and hence he shouldn't leave you?:) I am just curious, because you know that he reads your blogs.
Hey GB you've had and continue to have a great affair with this guy. Just enjoy the moment.Sometimes we worry too much about the destination instead of just enjoying the view.
Glad you found East Asian guys refreshing Dave :-), why don't you start a blog yourself and tell us a bit more?
Don't forget Anonymous, whoever you are, that if I answer your question my answer is also visible to boyfriend P!
That's a good point TMC, so I'll definitely bear that in mind when I see boyfriend P later this month :-).
GB xxx
Sounds to me like you're acting like a spoilt brat, who thinks he's god's gift to mankind
First you buy S off with a house just to keep him dangling on your puppet strings... Your excuse that he is a lot more relaxed now is just your way of excusing the fact that you bought him off
Now you are starting to sulk because you might lose P to some other stud. But you arent prepared to do anything to hold on to him. To you he's just a good holiday fuck
This is where my residual doubts about open relationships come to the fore. I had been quite critical of them. The boyfriend order of priorities is bound to cause some upset, some of the time, upset which is not present in non open relationships, and perhaps unnecessarily- one can have perfectly happy closed relationships.
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