Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Email from a bi-curious guy in his 20's

About a week and a half ago the following email popped into my inbox:

Dear GB,

Long-time reader of your excellent blog, and long-time dreamer about having gay sex. I'm 26, I'm white, I'm straight (probably bi curious) but I cannot help wondering what it would be like to be with a man. I play with, and adore, dildos, and cannot wait to have my first time with a man.

I don't want this email to turn into a plead for advice, though that is exactly what I need! I've looked at Gaydar's chat sections, but although there are an absolute tonne of people there, they all seem to just be "advertising" their needs, and none of them responds. What is the best way to go about it on Gaydar? Perhaps it might be a useful post for sex-seeking people like me, new to the whole thing? Though, judging by your last post, cruising for a hot guy is exactly what you *don't* need to be doing at the moment!

Anyway, GB, I find your blog a revelation. You're clearly educated and write very well, and long may it continue. My only wish? That you'd go into a little more detail about your encounters. We want to read whether you were top, bottom, how it went and so on! And I think you'd doubtlessly be turned on writing it...

All the best, XXX

Honestly, I don't know, isn't a guy allowed to have a few secrets, especially when it comes to the bedroom? Why do people always want to know all the intimate details about exactly who did what to whom? I can actually remember writing my first ever post, and in the original draft there were the kind of details that this reader is interested in. However when I read it prior to posting, I thought that it all sounded very cheap, so sitting in the BA lounge at Singapore's Changi airport back in Feb-05 I made the decision to try and elevate my blog-to-be above such smuttiness! I edited out all the unnecessary details, and before boarding my flight back to the UK I pressed the button to publish my first post. I've never looked back :-).

But the question about how best to use online cruising web sites like gaydar is a good one :-). Both gaydar and gay.com (recently revamped) have chat rooms in which there's two ways of communicating. There's the Open Channel, where everyone in the room can see what everyone else says, but there's also private conversations between two guys where only the guys involved can see what's being said. So people advertise what they're looking for on the Open Channel, hoping to attract a private conversation from a guy who's interested.

So what's the best way of finding a guy for a few activities? The first thing to do is to create your profile. Most of important of all, try and include some kind of photo. These days there seems to be more openness than there used to be, with more guys showing pics which include their face, however I myself still don't have a face pic on my gaydar profile. But any pic is better than no pic. Some guys will show pics of their equipment, although I always think that that makes them look very crude and one-dimensional. I think leaving some things to the other guy's imagination works better, but putting up a pic in swimming trunks for example is a nice compromise :-). Note that guys who want maximum privacy can make their profile 'private' which means that it gets excluded from all searches. That means it's highly unlikely that anyone would find the profile by accident if the profile owner isn't logged in.

Having got one's pic, the next thing is to fill out the rest of the profile. On gaydar there are two main sections to write, one where you say something about yourself, and another where you say what kind of guy you'd like to find. Some guys just write things like "Ask me" in these sections which doesn't give a good impression, after all, do you want to go to bed with a lazy guy? However, although you should write something I would suggest keeping it short, because guys who write long essays here always give me the impression of being high maintenance and self-centered. There are other sections to fill out too, again put something there, but I don't see the point of saying too much. Looking at other guy's profiles on gaydar is a good way of getting an idea of what works.

Before entering the chat system, I would suggest using the GPS (Gaydar Positioning Service!!). With GPS, you enter your full postcode or zip code of where you are, and then when you're looking at profiles of other guys who've done the same you can both see how far away you are from each other. Guys who are new to online gay cruising may be suspicions of this, because they'll probably be keen to avoid been identified on the system, but no other users will ever see your postcode and it's hugely useful. I'm certainly more likely to start chatting to someone if I can see that they're not too many miles from where I am.

Although I think the chat system is best, gaydar also has the online message system which operates outside the chat system. These messages can be sent to users who're not even logged in, and they'll pick them up the next time they log in. Some users will use the search facilities and then send these online messages to guys that they like the look of, instead of using the chat system. One advantage of these messages is that one can tell whether the guy at the other end has read them, because one can ask to be notified when the other guy receives the message. A problem with the chat system is that one can't tell whether the guy is there or not, because he may have left himself logged in and gone out.

In the chat system itself, before actually entering a chat room one can enter a short bio line, which one does from the main chat window. Although this is optional, I think it's a good idea to say something, even if it's only "feeling horny"! One useful thing to do is to say where you are, e.g. "Chelsea", although guys will often give an impression of what they're after, e.g. "Chelsea top 4 bttm". Saying something useful here helps to save time and cuts down on wasted conversations. You'll still sometimes see things like "pvt ok" at the end of this bio line, meaning that the guy doesn't mind being sent private messages. Before gaydar existed, I recall that that was a very common thing to say on your bio line in the original gay.com chat rooms, but these days I think everyone assumes that private messages are OK unless the bio line says otherwise. Some guys will say "please read profile before pvt" which seems fair enough.

If you've got a reasonable profile with a pic, if you've entered your postcode into GPS, and if you've got a sensible bio line, then if you go into a busy chat room other guys will probably contact you. There's also nothing to stop you contacting other guys yourself, if you like the look of their profile. You can also put a brief advert onto the Open Channel, but doing that works best if you've only just entered the chat room. The reason for that is that one of the long standing problems with the system is that if you see a message from a guy on the Open Channel and you're interested in it, it can be hard to find the guy in the list of chat room users to start a private conversation with him. But because lots of guys are monitoring the new guys that are entering the room whose names are all listed at the bottom of the list, the thing to do is to exit the chat room, then re-enter and immediately put your advert onto the Open Channel so that you'll be easy to find.

Lastly, a warning and a request. Many guys are incredibly rude when cruising online. They'll ignore you, just stop talking to you for no apparent reason even if things seemed to be going well, they'll be self-centered so they'll just ask loads of questions without any thought that you may need similar questions answered, and so on. So the request is for a bit of politeness, because it doesn't cost anything. If you're focusing on a conversation with one guy, it doesn't take long to reply "soz m8 busy at mom" if you get sent a message from a different guy. And if you don't like the look of a guy for whatever reason, "soz m8 but ur not my type" or even "soz m8 but ur not what I'm looking for at mom" is sufficiently polite and will be appreciated at the other end, because the guy won't then waste his time waiting for you to reply.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on the best way to use online cruising web sites?


Kenski said...

I am such a deleter!

Ever since (after a few cocktails) I was sat at the computer and someone messaged me 'you're hot' and I thought it would be funny to reply 'you're not' I figured the best policy was to SAY NOTHING!


I'm such a bad person.

Kenski said...

Oh, and if your reader's hot, hairy and doesn't mind being ferociously abused from both ends at the same time then mercillously discarded (or sent out for pizza), hell, send him our way...

I'm kidding, by the way (is he hot/hairy, though? :-))

No... no... really... no... don't want to know...

If it were me, I'd ask him what kind of guy he liked then select a suitable IRL venue for him to check out. That way he'll find out whether he really is bi-curious or whether the thought of a real live man bouncing up and down on top of him is what he really wants.

Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

You must be on Silverdaddies. How old are you?

Kenski said...

Now, you see... that's what I'm talking about!!!



Sheesh. It's not silver. It's a black and white photo!!!!

[I'm assuming that's a bad thing... if not, I'll have to check it out]

I'm not even 40... yet :-)


Superchilled said...

As good as online sites may be, there is nothing quite the same as real life exploration of the possibilities. Sure online may be an easy and attractive alternative, but you can never really gauge the actual attractiveness of someone so well as live. Words are often misleading, photos often fail to capture, and the uncertainties and exhilaration of getting out and about amongst similarly minded guys and chasing the man you're attracted to can't be beaten by clicking 'okay' to a prearranged online sex date.

Anonymous said...

I did not mean you, Kenski. I meant GB would be on Silverdaddies.

Kenski said...

Oh, in which case you're absolutely right! Poor old thing ;-)[cough]

GB said...

LOL Kenski, sorry to say I don't ask guys those kind of questions before posting answers to their emails!

Hmmm anonymous, whoever you are, are you sure about silverdaddies? "A meeting place for mature men and younger men ... who are interested in keeping their daddy happy and/or sexually satisfied"?? When I turn into a paedo I'll be sure to sign up :-(.

Good point Superchilled, but for bi-curious guys, isn't one of the advantages of online cruising that it's less intimidating than walking alone into a gay venue for the first time?

GB xxx

Tom Cat from Bondi Beach said...

GB I am a member on silverdaddies and am definitley not a paedophile nor I expect would any of their members be paedos.

Your comment was undoubtedly in jest but really paedophilia is not a joking matter and in my experience is strongly condemned in all communities including the gay one.

I love your blog but this is the rare time you struck a 'bum note'.


GB said...

Sorry Tom, indeed I didn't mean to offend, please accept my apologies.

GB xxx

benniboi said...

GB, Isn't it kinda hurt when reader ask you to put something more 'interesting' on here, and on the other hand, you are trying to elevate your blog. To be honest readers, if GB's blog is same smut as other else, would it be best GLBT UK blog? I doubt it. Nifty does a better job on erotica anytime. The funny thing is, regardless how 'ordinary' GB's blog can be, I still found some interesting bits, and interesting doesn't mean spank the monkey.

And yes, that paedo comment is not on at all. tut tut.

Mike said...

Yeah, I think you got it covered.

Personally, I prefer the messages system. Is way easier than the messy chat rooms. And I must say that I completely agree with you in relation to the sordid details. I also skip that parts in my stories, when I post in my blog. There are somethings that belong only to the bedroom.

Anonymous said...

Top 5 reasons why you should be on silverdaddies:
1. You sound like a grandpa.
2. You love it when ppl think you are highly successful.
3. You like twinks.
4. You get off on the idea that there are multiple boys chasing after you.
5. You love being the daddy that doles out advice to young boys.

Marmoset said...

Your reader could try Craigslist London to gague what possibilities lie for a first time encounter since he can take it at his own pace and decide how he would like to approach it since a real time chat could lead into a hasty, unsatisfying experience.

GB said...

Thanks for your support about the content of my blog benniboi and Mike :-).

Thanks too to the Anonymous commentator, whoever he is, for being kind enough to visit the blog of a grandpa like me :-).

Good idea Marmoset, I know that other readers who are new to being gay have found full-on cruising sites like gaydar a bit unsatisfactory.

GB xxx

Sir Wobin said...

I think you've got the level of detail about encounters just right GB. One must use ones imagination to fill in the details, which is why your blog becomes so engaging. It invites the reader in.

Long may it continue.

Joseph said...

I think you've hit the nail on the head with regards to politeness on gaydar. I've been trying it for the past week, and I was struck by how rude everyone can be! I absolutely hate being ignored, and would rather have a quick "no thanks mate". It's worse when they were the ones who have initiated the conversation. I've now taken to sending them a short message ranting about how politeness doesn't cost anything. Gaydar does bring out the old grumpy man in me.