Sunday, November 02, 2008

A recent conversation

At the end of my holiday last month, boyfriend P stayed with me in London for a few days for the first time :-). Furthermore, while he was here, he met one of my oldest friends. Although I've met loads of his friends now, prior to that meeting he hadn't met any of mine, so even though there's a long way to go in that respect at least it was a start.

"Actually GB," says boyfriend P to me on the morning of his flight out of the UK while we're having breakfast together, "I didn't expect to like it here. I thought there'd be loads of stuff relating to ex-boyfriend S, but there isn't much."

"So might you ever come and live here with me?" I ask.

"I can imagine that, possibly, at some point," he says smiling at me, "maybe I'll come and stay for a couple of weeks, sometime next year :-)."

"Great :-)."

I think about it for a short while, and then decide to ask him a question.

"Do you think we make some kind of commitment to each other?" I offer.

"Can we? How would that work?"

"I'm not sure," I say truthfully, "but maybe we can think of something?"

"Hmmm," replies boyfriend P after a pause, "I think we should remain independent for now."

"So it's OK is it if I find another boyfriend, a guy like M for example, and we wander off into the sunset together to live happily ever after?"

"I guess," says boyfriend P smiling at me, although looking just slightly unsure.

Within an hour the taxi arrives and we're hugging each other goodbye.

"Actually I'm quite sad to be leaving," he says with the taxi waiting, and with my front door open ready for him to leave, "thanks for everything :-)."

I hug him again and wave to him as he walks towards the cab, and within a minute he's on his way.

It still seems amazing that we've build up our relationship over the years without ever having lived in the same country. But at this stage in our relationship I find boyfriend P's desire for complete independence mildly disconcerting. We've got lots of good history and shared experiences now, we're happy to introduce each other to our friends and family, so we've become big parts of each other's lives. If the relationship means anything, complete independence is surely an illusion? It makes me think that perhaps he wants another try at finding a boyfriend in the city where he lives. Which leaves me with the thought that maybe he thinks I'd be an adequate boyfriend for him, but not a good one. Even though myself and boyfriend P have just had another great holiday together, it seems that once again I still need to hunt for alternatives.


Kyle said...

Wow, GB, haven't you always been advocating for freedom and polygamy saying that monogamy is not natural?

GB said...

I suggested some kind of commitment to boyfriend P because, as I said last January, boyfriends do have responsibilities to each other. That doesn't necessarily involve monogamy, although some gay couples can choose that if they want :-).

GB xxx

Sir Wobin said...

Well exactly Kyle. Polygamy means committed stable interactions with more than one person. There's ample evidence in our genes that humans have only very recently taken to the fashion of monogamy. Polygamy is a fact of human history.

It's not particularly nice to have feelings for someone who clearly doesn't think you're a good long term partner. I don't think it happens often that two people are perfect for each other. Many of us were raised on Victorian tales of perfect romance that just doesn't seem to exist in reality. We enjoy what we can in our friends and lovers, accepting them for who they are and not who we want them to be.

Sounds like P is still special to you GB. Maybe he'll just be a boyfriend number 2.

Anonymous said...

GB - I notice that your avatar is standing around with his top off in the autumnal chill. This may give him perky nipples but he will catch a nasty cold.

Anonymous said...

thats the kind of comment for old grandpa who are such frustrated with they're sex life...thomas

Anonymous said...

What does some kind of commitment mean to you GB? And how would this work exactly? I am curious. Enlighten me.



Kyle said...

@Sir Wobin:
I do agree with you that it doesn't happen often that two people are perfect for each other, but what exactly should that research prove?
If you imply that anything which is written in our genes is natural and should be seconded, I really hope you didn't get

Anonymous said...

Towards Sir Wobin; "Polygamy is a fact of human history" me, polygamy is a fact of human male history. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

I have to echo Jay's question...what is your definition of committment? When you and Ex-S were together, were you comitted to him? If so, how? And now that you are not with him, what has changed about your committment, other than the fact that you are not physically together? Do you feel a sense of committment with P? If so, what are your expectations of that committment? Your expectations from P? That he not fall in love with anyone else? Physical/sexual committment is one thing, romantic/emotional committment is another. In an idealized world, they would be combined together in one person, but the real world is rarely ideal. So what would your ideal situation be?

Sir Wobin said...

Kyle, I think it shows the way we are. I don't think I'm fatalistic about genetics or anything else but it tells us a lot of about the social circumstances of our ancestors. That does have a strong influence on who and what we are.

Not sure why you pointed out the correlation to violent crime statistics and the prevalence of a gene. You may as well have pointed out any other inherited condition that makes life harder for some people: Down's syndrome, severe deformities or macular degeneration. I don't see how us having disease genes comments on us as a social species.

Interesting indeed Belle. Viva la revolucion!

Kyle said...

Sir Wobin, to make it simple, I just wanted to say that the existence of "ample evidence in our genes" of our disposition to polygamy does not necessarily imply that the latter is the best choice to be made, since I think our non-diseased genes may also prove our predisposition towards a lot of bad things.
Just a matter of different opinions :)

Andrew said...

Hi GB,

I'm emailing you in regards to a followup email I sent you a month ago in response to a partnership, have you had a chance to think about it?

If you have any questions or would more information, please advise me and we can go from there.

Kind Regards,
Andrew Knight
Website Manager
Banking & Finance Division

Online Marketing Group (OMG)
p: (07) 3368 2666
f: (07) 3368 2670

GB said...

LOL LWW, you're right that boyfriend P is special to me, none the less I did laugh when I read the 'boyfriend number 2' remark!

Thanks for worrying about my avatar first anonymous commenter, whoever you are. You're right, it is cold at the moment, so I've given the poor little guy a scarf to wear through the winter :-).

Well Jay, finding a long term partner isn't easy and takes time. But I think that both myself and boyfriend P could make a decent go of it, if we lived in the same city. So in our case a commitment to work out whether that's possible or not, before spending time looking for alternatives, might have made sense.

Interesting link Kyle. However, given the false paternity statistic versus the number of murders committed, I think the polygamy gene is much more successful and widespread!

Although LWW didn't have much to say to you Belle, I confess that I used to think that women were more keen on monogamous relationships than men. Until, that is, I started reading the blogs of your namesake and Zoe Margolis!

There's no commitment between myself and P at the moment, Z, but I'm not afraid of making a commitment to him.

Thanks Andrew, I've sent you an email!

GB xxx

Anonymous said...


I don't get this-and I read your blog on and off-YOU said you didn't want commitment, YOU encouraged him to find someone else but NOW that YOU want question why he's wary??

I don't know but maybe it's just a 'pride' thing? Second best? I guess your feeling like he had to feel with Boyfriend S...

Fair dos.