Sunday, April 12, 2009

Email from a guy with a crush on a guy with a boyfriend

About four weeks ago, I got the following email from another blogger:

Dear GB,

I am a fellow blogger and an avid reader of your blog. I have read many times your advice that you have dished out to fellow gayers. I thought maybe you could offer me some of that wisdom.

I have just got out of an 18 month train wreck of a relationship. The details I won't go into right now. A few weeks ago I met a guy at a party and there was an instant spark. He was smart, funny and attractive. He made it clear to me from the get go that he would like us to hook up. I liked him so I didn't shoot him down. It was only when he introduced me to another guest at the party that I realised they were a couple. Him and his boyfriend had seen me before and had discussed inviting me to a threesome.

I vetoed the idea because I was not sexually attracted to his boyfriend. However through out the party we kept sneaking off to chat and to kiss. The more I got to know him the more I realised I liked him. Not just sexually. He even called me after I left to tell me he enjoyed my company and that we should meet again soon. But he also made it clear that nothing would ever happen with us without his boyfriend's involvement. I was disappointed to say the least. He knows that I have this crush on him.

They guy is in his thirties and is a philosophy teacher. I am in my twenties. Ever since that night we have kept in contact via text message. The content is always ambiguous and only once or twice has he even mentioned his attraction to me. I can't get this guy of my mind. It's crazy because I don't even know him. I don't understand why he keeps up the contact but yet still makes it clear that nothing will ever happen with us. Well he says this but then will subtly mention us hooking up! He knows how I feel about him. Why does he want to prolong it? If nothing is ever going to happen then would it not be best to cut all contact. I cannot help but reply to his messages when he sends them. I get a little flutter when his name pops up on my phone!

I cannot continue this because it's driving me crazy.

Any advice?

Indeed, all the txt msgs must be very distracting so the reader clearly needs some kind of resolution!

In any situation like this, it's useful to try and work out where the other guy is coming from. From the information supplied, my guess is that the other guy is firmly committed to his boyfriend, with a relationship where they're allowed to have sex with other guys although only in each other's company. Actually, judging from the tenacity with which the other guy's been pursuing the reader, my guess is that they really enjoy having threesomes with other guys! I'd also guess that the other guy has picked up on the reader's strong attraction for him, and is trying to leverage off that to get the threesome he wants. He can smell the fact that the reader is very interested in him, so like any good hunter, he's after the kill! He probably is attracted to the reader, although probably no more than any of the other guys that he's talked into threesomes, and certainly nowhere near as much as the reader is attracted to him.

One course of action would be to try and break the connection. Just by failing to respond to his txt msgs and phone calls the other guy would lose interest eventually. A better way would probably be to ask him not to get in touch unless he's interested in a hook-up without his boyfriend. If the reader can be firm and clear enough about why he needs to break the connection, the guy should respect the reader's wishes. The only problem with this course of action is that the reader's attachment to the guy is likely to take a long time to fade. Which is why, if it were me, I'd follow the other course of action.

Even though I prefer 1-2-1's, I'd do the threesome just to see how it all turns out. Indeed, in a recent comment, LWW pointed out that I'm a bit like Oscar Wilde because I can resist anything except temptation! But for this reader, there are probably more good possible outcomes from that scenario that bad ones:
  • If it goes badly, that'll probably cure the reader of his crush.
  • Once the guy has had some activities with the reader, he may just add him to his list of conquests and then lose interest in him, leaving him in peace.
  • In spite of the reader's indifference to the guy's boyfriend, during the activities he may discover that the boyfriend has hidden talents that make him a vital component of the experience.
  • He won't have to live the rest of his life wondering "what if ...".
  • It may turn out that the boyfriend just likes watching, and even if the reader thinks he doesn't like being an exhibitionist for another guy like that, he may discover that he actually really enjoys it.
  • ...
Although it's true that one possible outcome is that it'll just deepen the reader's desire for the guy who's already made it clear that he's only available in conjunction with his boyfriend, I reckon there are many more scenarios where the result will be some kind of resolution and closure. In any case, if he really has got a very strong crush on the guy it probably couldn't get much worse anyway, so accepting the invitation and succumbing to carnal temptation won't do much harm!

Do anyone else have any useful thoughts for this reader?


Anonymous said...

GB... your rationalising in favour of carnal action is borderline predictable :)

Its the crush the reader has and how he will feel after engaging in a threesome that's a bit of a worry. Engaging in sex can significantly change the dimension of an already present attraction. Dear blogger with crush, if you think you're starry eyed for him now, if you go with the threesome and enjoy him, you have no idea how hard for him you're going to be.

If you're after more than sex (and I'm guessing so from "The more I got to know him the more I realised I liked him. Not just sexually.") with this man and he is committed to his partner - leave it be and find yourself a different man.

Only if you're prepared to walk away from it all and think you can handle the sex should you consider the threesome. Approach this one with caution.

Stairs said...

Stick with your gut instinct; you say that 'I cannot continue this because it's driving me crazy', so don't.

He knows you have a crush on him and that puts him in a position of power; if he knows how you feel and can't do right by you, then you deserve better, both in terms of his treatment of you and how you treat yourself. Stooping to a threesome just-because with someone you find unattractive is never going to make you feel any better.

Anonymous said...

Two options (I prefer 1):

1. Please, for the love of god, discontinue all contact with him immediately.

As someone who was in one of these 7 year "will we won't we, oh wait of course we won't" things, all I can say is it is best to just cut off all contact because it never ends.

Option 2:
Resolve, here and now, to do have sex with hot philosophy prof alone (possibly making him break his longstanding agreement with a partner he loves). Go to any lengths (okay, maybe you can stop at glenn close from fatal attraction) to be with him.

These are two extreme choices, but I've never found a time where the middle muddling path in cases like this ended satisfyingly.


GaySocrates said...

So what was that 18 month train wreck of a relationship all about? Maybe you're not in the right kind of head space right now to be getting into mixed-up potentially mind-fucking situations. Funny how, when you are sore and hurting from a painful relationship experience, it's really tempting to launch yourself off on a perilous random adventure in the hope that it will take your mind of what went before. The less exiting option is to take some time out from any relationship scenarios which will cut too deep emotionally. Allow yourself some time to reflect on what went wrong with your last relationship and see if you can figure out
1 If there's anything you want to change about yourself for next time around
2 If there are any characteristics in your ex that you'd run a million miles away from if they were to present themselves to you in a new relationship
3 Are there any features of this scenario with the philosopher and his partner which remind you of what went wrong in the train wreck relationship. Maybe there's something about the potential unavailability of the philosopher unless you're prepared to do something you don't want to do?-I say this because it's possible that you're finding yourself irresistibly drawn to emotional situations that resonate with past emotional traumas.
If none of the above applies just go for it and either get him to have sex with you without partner (you win!) or give in and do the threesome thing (he wins!!)
Good Luck

Ken Skinner said...

Okay, so I've been on both of 'the other ends', having been the partner 'fancied' (and chased) and also the partner of the fancied one.

Strangely I've never been the switch-hitter in a 3some, though. I guess that's probably because when I was young and single (so long ago... :-)) I was more interested in looking for Mr Right than casual hook-ups, which I think is a trap which often prevents us from having edifying life experiences.

What advice would I give? If you genuinely are interested in 'more' than just sex with the one guy then I would drop it. Be mature and up-front about it, though. Let the guy know what's going on. Don't do it in a way that leads him to believe you'll be 'there' if he drops his other half, though. Just say no, not for me, and walk away.

Hopefully he'll respect that and leave you alone. There are loads more people out there for you and you already know that this liaison is doomed to failure in the long term.

Initially I was going to say to just go for it, take what you can by way of fun with this attractive guy and his bf (most people have some redeeming features in the bed department), but it sounds like you're in a vulnerable position right now and the effective 'rejection' after the 3way might be another blow to your ego. Or maybe not! Only you know that!

Mind Of Mine said...

Hey Guys..

Thank you for your advice. The situation has begun to fizzle out. Now i am sat thinking..WTF!

As i said i had just got out of an 18 month relationship and had clearly seen in this guy what i had always longed for with my ex. He seemed at first glance to be my perfect guy.

The fact that he was maybe using me to boost his own ego had dawned me in recent weeks.

Although i have cut all contact i wonder if he ever said lets just do this shit and be done with it would i actually have the balls to say no. I am one of these people that would rather do something and potentially get hurt than spend my life wondering what if.

The thing that surprised me most was my own blatant disregard to his boyfriend. I reasoned that they invited me into this mess and should anything happen that they only had them selves to blame.

I was in a very vulnerable position when the whole adventure began.

I guess i was just looking for my happy ever after.


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