Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A chat about my potential boyfriends

"Your recent comment which mentioned the film Shortbus made me laugh," I tell Close Encounters over dinner recently.

"You haven't seen the film, have you?" asks Close Encounters. "As I recall, I mentioned the scene where a guy tells his therapist that he needs to love everybody, which prompts his therapist to slap him!"

"No I haven't seen it, but I guess I should. That guy could so easily be me, because I fall in love so easily. Although once I've fallen in love I think I'm quite loyal to the guys that I'm in love with, until they make it clear that they don't want my love."

"So how many guys are you in love with at the moment?" asks Close Encounters.

"Well I guess there's my friend T, and there's also the guy who sometimes gets hay fever. I could quite happily be the boyfriend of either of those guys, but I think I prefer T."

"I don't know how you manage seeing more than one guy at once," says Close Encounters, shaking his head. "I'd be worrying all the time about making sure that I don't get my dates with them mixed up!"

"I don't find that bit a problem," I reply, "I reckon the hard thing is remembering all their different personal details, names of colleagues, and names and age of siblings, and so on!"

"But when was the last time that there was only one guy in your life?"

"Probably 1994," I laugh, "when I was still being monogamous with ex-boyfriend S. Actually, when I first started blogging I did a post about the origin of my infidelity!"

"Well given that you've been living like that for so long, don't you think it's unrealistic to jump back to being in a committed relationship with only one guy?"

"I suppose I don't want to commit to monogamy, but I do want to give up cruising and devote time to other projects. I'm sure that that's possible if I can find myself the right boyfriend :-)."

"In that case, I think you should try going for one month just seeing a single guy, to see if giving up cruising is realistic for you. T perhaps? Do you think you could do that?"

"Well it wouldn't be a valid test unless we're living together, would it!" I object. "Anyway, although I love T, there may be a problem there."

"Which is ... ?"

"Well he's just so closeted. None of his family or straight friends know that he's gay, and he's terrified that they'll find out. So unless he confronts this issue at some point, I'd have to be the boyfriend that doesn't exist, and I don't like the idea of that. How on earth would it work if his family visited and we were living together, which is the way I'd want it. And if his family thinks that he doesn't have a partner then it's reasonable of them to expect him to put them first in many types of situation, and he probably would too, to keep the lie going. So if he commits to a gay relationship, I can see that he might not end up being able to fulfil his commitments to me :-(. But, but I do love him ..."

"Awww how sweet! So I guess you forgive him his faults then?"

"Well yes of course, but I'm trying to think with my head as well as my heart. If we end up being boyfriends, I can see that he might end up breaking my heart even more than ex-boyfriend P did :-(. I really don't know what to do ..."


Pesto Sauce said...

Tough situation

Hope you get him soon

Anonymous said...

"You're having what's called a 'False Epiphany'!"

You need to see Shortbus. I challenge you to drink a cup of tea during the first scene without choking :-)

I remember reading all the reviews and the synopses and yet I was still totally unprepared for when we saw it in Curzon Soho.

Hubby and I want to arrange a London-stylee 'shortbus' in our loft. Bring in 50 hot guys to shag eachother downstairs whilst we sip martinis and critique on the mezzanine :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh, and on the main point! If you don't want a monogamous relationship then don't get into one, GB! Square peg, round hole.

I certainly couldn't date someone who was totally in the closet. I can understand not being out at work as sometimes it's not relevant, but with friends and family? Whether or not they approve, they deserve to know who you are.

My opinion, of course.

close encounters said...

GB, it was a great evening - I'm not sure if I said at the time [my memory is a bit hazy!] ... but you shouldn't underestimate the potential changes that T could make - especially if he's in a loving relationship, and sees at first hand from you the advantages of being fully out ...

Shawn LI said...

Dating a closeted guy might create a lot of unnecessary troubles.
I know a guy being closeted to his family (but out to everyone else) attended his sister's wedding. And he didn't bring his 8 year boyfriend, cuz nobody at the wedding knew his existence. That would be really frustrating if I were his bf. Furthermore, over 15 people trying to set up the guy with some girls during the wedding cuz nobody knew he was gay.....

But I agree with close encounters that being in a relationship could significantly change someone. I came out to many people during relationship, as I had become more confident and knew that there was always someone to fall back on if things don't turn out right.

Give it a try GB and all the best ;)

K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Good post.
See shortbus; you'll enjoy it - agree with nine - the reviews don't really prepare you.
Tread lightly with T. As with all things, you need to look at the whole package and how that corresponds to both your individual wants. If he wants to continue being in the closet - that may not sit well with you based on some of your comments. But as other posters have rightly said, given the opportunity he may change. Many gay men have been locked shut in the closet until the met a man worth stepping out for. You have nothing to lose really because if it works great and if doesn't - it wasn't really what you were looking for.
Enjoy the ride.