Thursday, December 15, 2005

A weekend away with boyfriend number 1

A week and a half ago we decided to have a break outside London together. Although we'd been away with my sister and her family in the summer, and to a straight wedding together in September, this would be the first time that we'd been away on our own since I came back from the holiday with boyfriend number 2.

We got on reasonably well, but unfortunately there was an incident which annoyed boyfriend number 1, which he told me about once we were back in London.

"You know when you were away in the hotel lobby checking your e-mails this morning", he says while we're watching television together in the evening.

"Yes?", I reply, not paying much attention.

"I had to silence an alarm in your electronic organiser. It was an alarm to remind you to send boyfriend number 2 a christmas card!"

Damm! Why did that have to happen on our first trip away together? It must have been in 2004 the last time that he needed to silence an alarm in my PDA. It's the worst possible luck.

I'm not sure how to avoid that kind of thing either, because I rely on my PDA for loads of stuff like that. Watching his reaction to this incident, the more I think that a non-monagamous relationship won't suit him :-(


Anonymous said...

Er, but isn't BF No 1 already making it pretty clear through his reaction each time your 'fun' is exposed in some way (the truth will always out) that an open relationship isn't suiting him? Because that's what he's got, whether he likes it or not - you're still straying. To be honest (and I know this is harsh), I don't think you're really thinking about him at all. Simply about how you can continue to have your cake and eat it.

Never mind the intellectualising about whether monogamy is societally conditioned or not (something men are great at doing - rationalising and compartmentalising their emotions, that is - I'm a woman, BTW). The human heart has its own voice and its own understanding.

Making all the effort to go to couples counselling then finding these little betrayal bombs still going off may decide what happens to this relationship in the end, regardless. He might be the one to say, 'Enough already. Stop wasting my time.'

Why not try being faithful for a while and see what happens? Or, accepting the fact that this guy may not be the right one for you, make a decision and separate, even on a trial basis. Or do some work on yourself - to be truly honest and open, often it's easier to go to counselling alone. Address your own fear of intimacy, or even your fear of being out there alone again and free, if either might be the case - basically, whatever's underlying the extracurricular activity.

If any partner is coming to a relationship 100% committed, it's not exactly unreasonable to hope for the same in return. Sticking around because a relationship is comfortable, because it has longevity or because it gives you a feeling of security isn't good enough. Deep down, if you know in your heart of hearts that you love this person, but not in the right way that you should to keep a real relationship going, you need to do some soul-searching about how you want to take this situation forward, if at all.

In the end, it's very simple: just be honest with yourself above all, and your lover. He's given you 16 years of his life - it's a marriage in all but name. Think about that, and honour his faithfulness by taking this seriously. Being truthful will take you where you need to go, whatever the outcome may be.

Anonymous said...

Right on sister!

Gay banker said...

Hi Anonymous (whoever u are!), thx for taking the time to write such a long comment. If I were to take your advice, the quick decision would be to split up with boyfriend number 1. But we've both agreed not to rush into anything. Some e-mails I've had also councel patience, so that's what we're doing. Which means if you read my blog, you're stuck with reading through all the agony.

NB: for comments like this, I'd appreciate it if people get themselves a blogger login, even if they don't ever write a blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi GB,

I'm not suggesting that you do anything quickly, far from it. But continuing to see other guys while trying to work things out doesn't appear to be making things clearer, does it? And BF No 1 might see it as a mockery of the counselling process you're both committing to right now.

I know from experience how agonising it is to leave someone on finally facing my feelings that I didn't love them in the way I should. I don't know if this rings a bell, but what happens is that you keep trying because of all the years and emotion that's been invested in the relationship. And yes, because it is secure and the thought of a future alone is scary. But eventually something has to give...

All I'm suggesting is that you take time to work this out, but most of all, just to be honest with yourself and him. This posting, which basically says, 'how can I maintain my infidelity secretly and keep BF No 1?' seems to point in the opposite direction...!

PS - I also respect your request for a blogger log in, but this time I'd prefer to stay anonymous. I understand how tough this situation can be and I'm keen to see you work it out. I do wish you all the best. Hope this doesn't offend :-)

Gay banker said...

Hmmm, so u prefer to remain anonymous this time, have we ever exchanged e-mails?

In fact boyfriend number 1 knows that I'm no longer monogamous. Although I'm not telling him every time I meet a guy or correspond with boyfriend number 2, I'm not doing it behind his back either.

Anonymous said...

Hi GB - sorry for any possible confusion. No, we've never corresponded, don't worry.