Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Do long term relationships naturally lead away from monogamy?

To my knowledge, it's happened twice over the last three months. Negative comments about this blog that is! On two occasions recently, one blogger has written that he liked this blog, only to receive a comment from another blogger disapproving of his views.

It first happened on Rye's blog 'Got Gay?'. I get a positive mention at the bottom of one of his postings, but the eighth comment to the posting says "sorry can't help protesting - gaybanker is the worst of all IMHO"!

Then last Friday, the first comment to On Golden Ponds's posting in which he says that he likes this blog was quite negative. In subsequent comments though, after I've left a couple of my own comments, the guy who made the negative comment does make an apology.

The negative reactions seem to relate to the fact that my relationship with boyfriend number 1 is not monogamous. Curiously, both negative reactions came from guys who live in Melbourne Australia! Furthermore both guys are in their 20's, and although they're both gay, as far as I can tell neither of them has had a long term boyfriend yet. Which is what got me thinking.

It was over a year ago when Joe.My.God said that 'somewhere in the mid-30's vehement defence of monogamous relationships pretty much evaporates'. But perhaps it relates more to whether guys have actually been in long term relationships or not, rather than their age. That could still correspond with Joe.My.God’s suggestion if, on average, a guy gets his long term boyfriend at around the age of 30.

Once a guy gets a few years into a long-term relationship, I reckon a lot of views about monogamy change. Monogamy is a nice idea in theory, so a lot of us try it. As I've said before, even I was monogamous for around 5 years. But for a lot of guys, monogamy doesn't end up working in practice, and it's only when guys have tried monogamy for a while that they realise this.

However I’m still a huge advocate of long term relationships. As I said recently, I reckon that boyfriends are your very closest friends, the ones you can rely on and share your life with, and the ones that provide you with long term companionship. Sex is usually part of that but it doesn't have to be, and these days I really can’t understand why monogamy in such relationships matters so much to some guys. The truth is that I’d be completely lost without my boyfriends. At the moment, I feel my relationships with them all are deepening too. Even though I’ve recently returned from a holiday with boyfriend number 2, I now feel much closer to boyfriend number 1.

Regarding the negative comments, criticisms that I was originally deceiving boyfriend number 1 are fair. In fact this blog records my path to honesty with him. These days boyfriend number 1 knows about boyfriend number 2, and he also knows that I have other encounters as well. Perhaps other guys can learn from my mistakes by reading this blog.

Lastly if it was the sex-oriented focus of this blog that the guys objected to, perhaps there’ll be less objection in future given that this blog took a new direction a couple of months ago. Since then there've been 35 posts, including 8 in my new Dear GB agony uncle category, but only 4 in my Encounters category.

Still, whatever people think of this blog, one thing is for sure. I do enjoy being a source of controversy!


Anonymous said...

hey GB ,

Just on a light note , I'm from melbourne australia and I do, very much enjoy reading your entries. I find it really exotic and stimulating. Alot of people might not approve what you do , but from what I could see , you're living life to the fullest ....


czechOUT said...

I think that there may be a certain degree of jealousy involved, where negative comments are expressed. Maybe they realise that monogamy can be frustrating and want it both ways-yet can't.

However, and I know I keep papping back to it, but where one partner expects monogamy, and can't understand sex as a physical act and not as an expression of love, then my view is that you have to respect your partner.

This, you believe you have cracked...and only you can truly judge if BF1 is totally happy and comfortable with the situation. if he is, all is well.


muse-ic said...

I for one really enjoy your blog, particularly since you widened the scope of its content.

Monogamy is a funny thing, up until very recently I always thought it was natural and the 'right' thing to practise. Recently though, and partially due to what has been on here, I have begun to think outside of the box a little.

N1David said...

I'm with GB on this one. My bf and I were monogamous for 13 years before I strayed. After a few months I sat down with my bf and told him I'd been meeting other men for sex.

We'd had discussions for some years about our declining sex life, but had failed to revitalise things the way we both wanted.

I agreed to stop seeing other guys while he thought about the implications of this. I told him that if he was unhappy with the situation, I would promise to stop seeing other guys altogether, although I couldn't promise that I would never do so again.

He came back (several months later) and told me it was OK as long as I was safe and discreet.

It's really helped our relationship. The stress we used to have because our sex life wasn't great has gone because I can relieve my tensions elsewhere. I'm not quite like GB - I don't have multiple boyfriends, I have one who I'll spend the rest of my life with.

It works for us. I think I'm lucky - my bf was wise enough, or generous enough, to realise that I needed some space (he's 10 years older than me and he was my first boyfriend and only my second ever partner, so I never had my "sowing wild oats" stage). And he knows that he is, and always will be, number 1 in my life.

D.U.P said...

Hi GB! :-)

My only problem with your blog was that your b/f (1) wasnt aware of what you were doing, basically you were deciving him. He wasnt given a choice in the matter, I felt sorry for him.

Now that he does know I have absolutely no problem with it.

Gay banker said...

Thanks d.u.p. :-)

GB xxx

[ NB: d.u.p. was the guy who left a comment on On Golden Ponds's posting! ]

Anonymous said...

I am now in my mid 30s and in an 8 year relationship with a wonderful man.
Yes, I remember in my early 20s, I could not imagine having a non-monogamous relationship. However it is strange how a person can change his thinking over time.
We have not discussed having outside fun, but I have certainly had thoughts...


Tapak said...

What you feel now happens to lot of gay couple who were a strong supporter of monogamy. when I initially came about , I use to fight with my friends advocating monogamous relationship.

But later I realized that I am not the monogamous type I thought. And being born in a conservative Indian family ,it was difficult for me to accept that part of me. But I reached a stage where I am getting comfortable with it and accept myself and respect others life.

I feel whatever it is being truthful to yourself and your partner is what matters for strengthening a relationship.
And everyone wont be happy being in a relationship. some people dont want the complications of being in a relationship and are very happy being single.

There is a nice article on relationships in the Bears Life magazine. Link is in one of the bear links in my blog.

indian bear cub