Email from a guy with an ex-boyfriend situation

A few weeks ago now, a young guy who lives in South Africa sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

Your blogs have kept me in thrall for some time now, though sometimes I find your views more shocking than I'm used to. I live in South Africa which was, and sometimes still is, a rather conservative community. I find that the advice you tender in reply to the 'Dear GB' mails you receive often at a tangent to my moral 'North', but said advice always seems sound and thoughtful; more often than not, thought provoking. As a result I have decided to write one such letter of my own.

When I was at university, and after having recently broken up with my then boyfriend, I started a relationship with a young man who had only just realised that he was gay. We were similar ages, and I adored him. Our first two years together were very good ones, we were both studying full-time and saw a lot of one another. We grew very close (or so I believe). Our third year together was marked by him living and working a long way outside town. We saw each other every weekend and I was very much in love with him still. At the end of that year, he asked me to move in with him, which I immediately agreed to, since I had been hoping that he would ask for some time, even though I knew career opportunities for me where he lived would be almost non-existent.

We lived together for a year there, away from both our families with only each other to rely on, and I was ecstatic, because he was the one I wanted to be with, though my salary was literally not one sixth of his. But he grew tired of supporting me, and asked me to leave, though it came as a total surprise to me. I was heartbroken, but I knew there was nothing for it, but to pack my things and go. Love or no love.

Since I could not support myself I moved to my parents' house in a completely different town, and even though I hadn't lived with them for several years. It took me a while, but I did manage to get back on my feet, and meet a few new friends, which I find difficult, because I am shy, and a sceptic. I kept in touch with the great love I had lost, and we were on good terms.

Recently though, I moved back to the city where I was at university. I was very excited at first because I love the area and all my old friends live here, only I did not fully realise that they were now my ex-boyfriend's friends as well. He had even befriended the one or two friends of mine that he had never met while we were together.

I have been out with them; and had dinners; and have gone to the movies; but he always seems to be there. I don't mind his presence exactly, since he is a nice guy: fun to be with and good to talk to. I mind that I cannot seem to escape the thought of him, while he is always there. We recently had a bit of a falling out, and I do not think we are exactly on speaking terms right now, me and my once-mr-right. Now I am again pseudo-ostracised even though I live not an hour away of my closest friends. I don't think it is fair of me to expect of our friends to choose sides, so I haven't, and I won't.

The question I was wanting to ask is this: How do I, a young man in my mid 20's, a little shy and a little bruised, go about meeting people? The friends I have that could possibly introduce me to new friends or love interests, have, shall we say, prior engagements with my ex-boyfriend, because his relationships with them have strengthened, while mine have weakened since I have been away. I know nobody else here except a few aunts and uncles whom I am definitely not going to ask for referrals, and my colleagues at work are to be honest christianic homophobes. I am by no means enough of a black belt quite yet to risk my income. Clubs usually bore me, and (sadly) the ones around here are just too sleazy. The Internet is a bust, since the only replies I ever get are solicitations by married bi-guys or men who are far enough my senior to be my father's colleagues, and even those want little more than a quick romp. I am not looking for a romantic relationship, though if one comes along, I won't at all mind. I am just looking for people to invite to dinner and a movie with me or to have a conversation with about something other than work or family. I am too young to feel down because I am sitting at home alone on a Friday night. Have you any advice, or should I pretty much just stop feeling sorry for myself?

Since then, I've exchanged a couple of emails with this guy, and although he's told me a few more details, I think his original email explains his situation every well.

Having thought about this guy's situation a bit, one thing I think he needs to do is rebuild his confidence somehow. In connection with this, I was re-reading the Confidence mirror post that I wrote last month, and it occurred to me that to some extent my sentiments correspond with the so-called Law of attraction. The Law of Attraction was first explained to me by boyfriend number 2 in a restaurant in Buenos Aires, and although I think it's utter rubbish that thoughts attract the corresponding actions "through the resonance of their energetic vibration", I have no doubt that positive thinking has a beneficial effect.

At present, I think this guy has got himself into a situation where he feels like a victim. It's quite understandable because the poor guy had his boyfriend dump him, he was then forced to move back with his parents, and when he picks himself up he finds that the ex-boyfriend has stolen his friends. But as long as he thinks like a victim, that'll be the most likely outcome of his endeavours. To say he should "stop feeling sorry for himself" is unhelpful because when one is feeling down it's not that simple. But as long as someone feels sorry for themselves, they'll probably have something to feel sorry about.

To get started, I feel I must disagree with the guy when he says "the Internet is a bust". Gay guys are in the minority in any city, but as the Internet has grown, it's made it so much easier for gay guys to find each other. By co-incidence, a gay guy from South Africa recently asked for me for some career advice, and although I've done ' Dear GB' postings giving career advice in the past, I'm trying to avoid doing that these days so as to keep this blog more tightly focused on gay issues. However I did reply to the the request for career advice, so I felt it was fair game to ask for some advice in return. When I asked him about the Internet for gay guys in South Africa, his reply was as follows:

There is of course Gaydar.co.za, which is pretty much only used for cruising. Even if someone states on their profile that they're open to lots of options, in my experience it's really only about getting a quick shag. But there are two other options:
1. www.mambaonline.com, which has a dating/chatting section and is free but I prefer
2. www.qmen.co.za. You have to pay to be a member, but you can browse the personals for free. It's much less about sex than the other sites and the people who do subscribe genuinely do want to meet people. So I'd point him in that direction.

Perhaps the guy with the ex-boyfriend situation has tried these web sites, but if so, I can't help wondering what he said about himself in his profile. When he wrote his profiles, was he feeling unhappy, or was feeling happy and positive about life? I can think of gaydar profiles I've seen that were clearly written by someone when they were feeling bad about themselves. So whatever online profiles he has, I think he should review them when he's in a positive frame of mind.

However he does it, just getting out and meeting people, gay or straight, is what he's got to do. Perhaps there are ways of meeting guys through work, the gym, perhaps he can meet new people via his old friends in spite of his ex-boyfriend, perhaps there are social events he can go to as a result of hobbies he may have.

My last thought is about how he needs to behave when he does meet new people. Someone who's regaining their confidence is naturally liable to be quite a needy person. But he must avoid coming across like that, because most people find 'needy' and 'high-maintenance' very unattractive. He's just got to try and be cool!

In fact, the last e-mail the guy sent me said that he had been going out a bit recently, so I feel sure that he'll be OK. None the less, does anyone else have any helpful thoughts for him?