Saturday, August 25, 2007

Email from a gay guy who wants a relationship

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a gay male in New Zealand, in my mid 20's, working in stockbroking. I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and have now read all the entries. Your blog is really interesting, especially the career/banking posts.

I'm writing because I have not had a relationship. I have been out since I was 16, though I have only had a few gay friends until I moved to Auckland last year where I have made more friends. I find it tough though, as I am in a place where I would like to have a steady relationship as I am tired of (and don't really like) Internet hook-ups. When I go out with my friends who are all in couples, I find I don't have the confidence to try to pick up guys and my friends notice that too. I have met nice guys, but none on the same wavelength - ambitious, likes fun but also takes life seriously.

My friends tell me that I am attractive, but I just don't seem to have a lot of luck. I intend to work in the UK next year. Could it be that NZ is a small pond and I just need to go to a larger pond...?

I replied immediately in disbelief. There are now 420+ posts in this blog, so I'm amazed if anyone has the staying power to read even 10% of them! Anyway, I obviously have to try and give such a devoted reader the best advice I can.

Unless you're Satan, this guy is probably NOT a suitable boyfriend!I've been thinking about relationships a lot recently, and one thing that keeps coming to mind is an old South Park episode. In that episode, Satan is having trouble deciding between two boyfriends, a wimpy guy called Chris, and Saddam Hussein. Towards the end, God tells Satan that he should dump them both and try to learn to appreciate himself before he tries to find a relationship!

Although this reader's problem is that he doesn't have even one boyfriend, the advice about appreciating oneself first is an important message. It's a variation on the well known saying "Love yourself before others can love you", which is also valid here. If he focuses on this, the reader will find that his confidence will grow, and eventually he will be able to pick up guys face to face. I know there's one person who agrees with me about the effect of confidence, namely Monty, because he said so in one of his postings last month.

It's worth noting that some guys can't find a relationship because they're too selective. The fact is that there's no such thing as the perfect boyfriend. If one finds a nice guy it's always possible to decide that although he's nice, he's not quite right, so that it's best to wait for "Mr Right". But one can wait forever. I think it's much better to try and develop serious relationships, and then if a relationship doesn't work out, the experience one has gained will help develop confidence and be invaluable when the next prospective relationship presents itself.

In connection with the reader's suggestion that New Zealand isn't a big enough 'pond', I'm a bit dubious. I keep telling my boyfriend number 2 that he should try and find a full-time boyfriend, but he's convinced that it's not possible because the 'pond' in the city where he lives is too big! He says that all the guys are always looking for something better or something new, so "it's not a city to find love". The way he describes it, all the guys he's attracted to seem to have the problem that I described in the previous paragraph. They're all waiting for the perfect boyfriend, and because the 'pond' is big there's always another potential boyfriend just around the corner.

Whenever I do a 'Dear GB' posting for gay guys who want to meet other gay guys, and there have been a couple before this one (1, 2), it's become de-rigueur for the guy asking my advice to say that they don't like meeting guys via the Internet. And the etiquette at my end is to disagree! I myself have had a lot of success meeting guys over the Internet, including all the guys I call boyfriends apart from boyfriend number 1. So my experience is that even if one's cruising online and looking for fun, one can find guys that are suitable boyfriends. But on top of that there are also web sites for gay guys which are more focused on friendships and relationships rather than cruising. I don't know if there are any such web sites in New Zealand, however when the reader gets to the UK I know there's which is how one of my old university friends found his boyfriend.

So in my opinion, learning to appreciate oneself and building confidence are the most important things to focus on. Try and meet new guys, networking through friends or via the Internet, but don't be too selective.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this?


Anonymous said...

haha...i agree with the reader that Auckland is a very difficult place to find a relationship. I have profiles on dating sites, and most of the emails i send out do not receive replies- maybe i'm not hot enough, but I'm sure i don't look hideous either.

I do meet a few guys- they're very decent, but most would just want to fuck. But even this comes in rare frequency. You've gotta be a supermodel to get any attention here. I guess everyone is looking for the perfect one.

I did a post on 'self-appreciation' too. But even with that knowledge, its still kinda difficult. The reader is at a much better position- having gay friends, who can potentially introduce new friends.

I guess the reader has to know that he's not alone here in Auckland! In the mean time he could try, and these two sites tend to have a lot of traffic (i think).

But I guess its ok to have a bit of fun while on his way to finding the right person. In the gay world, you can't expect a relationship to start off like a straight one. I think he has a better chance if he's willing to play around- because most gay relationships start with some sex or fooling around (quote:

if he's really having a tough time, he can always drop me a!

Monty said...

I'm highly flattered - I've been mentioned in GayBanker's blog! I've finally made it in the blogging world! lol Thanks for the mention GB! I do agree with you in respect of your advice (naturally). Confidence is a great thing to have...but it does take time! Maybe going to the UK will do your reader some good - I found that my overseas travels last year were very good for me and my abilities to get out there! :-)

Humming Bird in Hyde said...

That's true. There's no such thing as the perfect bf. For me it was impossible to be gay on my small island and hence my move to London. I feel his move to the UK should not primarily be about the search for a bf but to belong and be part of a truly global city. Let the love/bf part happen on it's own time.

Sir Wobin said...

Now readers are using you comments section to hook up! Trust the fags to turn facebook and blog comments into gaydar.


Anonymous said...

Totally agree what GB said; Try and meet new guys, networking through friends or via the Internet, but don't be too selective will really help. I met all my 3 ex online.

Nobody perfect, He will be only perfect if you keep telling yourself he is the perfect one for you (if you want a perfect bf). so the problem is you. not the guy you be with.

Travels will be good thing to do when you feel there is no one can be your bf around you. but you have to be willing to move lol, is not easy to ask someone move to another country...

Unknown said...

GB, Your writing is incredibly fluid, making it easy to read 100% of your postings, plus there's nothing like being a voyer & living vicariously through your interesting adventures.
I come from a small town in NZ and now live in AK. I find the pool of talent in AK brillaint. My trouble is I fall in lust with boys at the drop of a hat, although I am in my second long term relationship of 4yrs.
Once I came to terms with being gay and the bigger city being made up of lateral thinkers; great guys came in abundance. I think travelling will help you see what "stock" is out there and help you to identify with where you fit in the community. From this you will gain the confidence & worldly views you need to step off and find out who you like and what you are like. Even if you only travel for a few weeks globally once a year, sample the world, and if you can try and share this with some one along the way. What I like about a relationship is, he is your best mate, with benefits and there is a journey along the way