Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Coming out to a friend about the situation with boyfriend S

"I'll probably be seeing my friend P for lunch today," I tell boyfriend S one morning last week, "so I think I may as well tell him that we're buying a house for you, and that we'll end up living separately."

"OK sure," replies boyfriend S, looking a bit uncertain, "and what will you say if he asks ... "

"... if he asks whether this means that we're not going to be boyfriends any more?" I say completing boyfriend S's sentence for him. Boyfriend S nods. "Well, I'll tell him that it simply means we're buying a house for you, so that we can live separately, end of story :-)!"

"OK great," says Boyfriend S smiling now, "I just wondered!"

Around mid-morning I get a txt msg from P checking that I'm still available for lunch, so I reply immediately to confirm. Over lunch, I keep trying to find an appropriate opening in the conversation to tell P about boyfriend S, but I find it really hard. It reminds me of the feeling that I used to get years ago when I was unable to find the right moment to tell someone that I was gay! Eventually though, P asks about boyfriend S so it's now or never:

"Actually we've decided to live separately going forward, so I'm buying boyfriend S a house to live in nearby," I tell P, trying to sound calm as I get the words out.

"Oh really?" says P looking mildly surprised. "But you'll obviously still be boyfriends right! I guess that makes sense, you obviously need your own space because you've been taking all those holidays on your own. Anyway ...", and he starts talking about something else.

So although this is huge news in my mind, P hardly reacted at all! Just like when a guy comes out as gay to one of his friends and they tell him that they worked it out ages ago. I decide that now isn't the time to tell P that in fact I haven't been taking holidays on my own, and that I've been going on holidays with another boyfriend (South America, Bahamas, Argentina etc)!

When boyfriend S does move into his own house it's bound to mark a huge change in our relationship with each other, although I'm sure it's the right decision. One of the issues that I mentioned in the Dear GB posting that I wrote for myself last year was the fact that boyfriend S's mental health was deteriorating quite badly. However, since that low point he's recovered significantly, and I'm sure the improvement has a lot to do with the independence that he'll be gaining from owning his own home.

But how will I live my life in future? Although I like the idea of deepening my relationship with boyfriend P (who's a different guy to my friend P), boyfriend P doesn't live in the UK which is obviously sub-optimal unless one of us relocates. Boyfriend P also continues to go on dates with other guys, saying that what he really wants is to find is a nice guy who's also looking for a committed monogamous relationship. Of course, I reckon that gay relationships don't have to be based on monogamy! But one thing that myself and boyfriend P do share is a desire for kids, because at this stage in my life I'm definitely keen to become a father if possible.

Over the last few years, the whole situation with boyfriend S has been a bit traumatic. Still, whatever happens going forward I can't help thinking that the next few years of my life are likely to be more interesting than the ones in my recent past. And once I get over the shock of the separation with boyfriend S, hopefully they'll be more enjoyable too :-).


gaykarma said...


Good to see you take things in your stride with Boyfriend S but be prepared for the real shock/pain/loneliness when he does finally move out.

U've probably helped many guys with your blog in relationship and other matters. Thereby accumulating good karma.

Karma always comes back to you. Trust me.


alastair said...

Couldn't agree more; fingers crossed for the both of you.

johnnyboy said...

Wow, you're so lucky you have such a mature attitude to relationships and life/love. It's very fortunate-I guess you'll probably fine really-you may just miss the 'superficialness' of having 'someone' actually there...instead of really, there....

So I think if you use your pragmatism like you do with your philosphies about love and relationships, you should be cool...

You're a strong man with a sound mind..

I guess the inevitable will happen with you and Boyf P; he wants to be managomous and you don't...that'll never change but you'll have a good friend for life..

GB said...

Thanks for the kind thoughts gaykarma and alastair. I know exactly what you mean when you say that Karma always comes back to you, although I think that applies to both good and bad Karma!

I guess you're right about boyfriend P, johnnyboy. In any case, the last time we discussed the subject together we agreed to see what happens once boyfriend S has actually moved out. So it's going to be an interesting year :-).

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

A few things I have been asked to browse through while I was visiting your site and thought maybe you would be interested too.

Take whatever you want away from this:




Number ii is a complete joke. They talk about homosexuality "affecting" 2% of people as if it were a disease. I wonder if 98% of the population is affected by heterosexuality, or whether gingers are affected by having red hair. Gingers are completely normal functioning humans if not for the stigma and taunts that they traditionally have had to suffer. Gay people can raise children, and there is an ongoing hypothesis that there is an evolutionary advantage to the existence of gay uncles. Do they want gay people to force themselves into miserable marriages? If gay people enter into a gay relationship and choose not to have kids, wouldn't it be the same as if they remained single and not reproduce for Britain?

Number viii is also hogwash. Why don't they repatriate all Americans, Canadians, Australians and New Zealanders with "British genes" back to Britain before they repatriate people who lack "British genes" back to the "Third World"? Obviously the people with "British genes" are not indigenous to America, Canada, Aus and NZ and hence their population should only be limited to "2-3%" in those territories?

Number ix
"Species which move into a new area and become established there are called colonisers. Britain is therefore being colonised by foreign populations which are changing the nature of Britain."

Humans are the same species; cats and dogs are a different species. Period. And oh dear, this also reminds me that USA, Canada, Australia and New Zealand are being colonised!

I felt like posting all this as a comment but I am too ashamed to register on their site. In fact I am ashamed that I even clicked the link to that page!

close encounters said...

it's been a while since i caught up on your blog ...

slightly surprised to see that BF#1, in old money, hasn't yet moved out ... makes me feel a bit better about the slight lack of progress in my own accommodation situation !