Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Email from a guy with a confidence problem

Last week, I received the following email from a young gay reader that was as follows:

Dear GB,

I love your blog a lot and have been reading it for over a year now, when I came across it by accident. I'm a big fan. I'm writing to you because I don't know who to talk to about this and need some advice, which is cringe-full even now that I am writing it.

I am a 20-year-old Indian guy who's at university. I have been out for sometime and have never had a boyfriend; I started to explore my sexuality on gaydar with no real success. In fact, I hated the sex I had with the guys from gaydar, and it has kinda put me off gay sex a little.

Recently I went on a date with a guy, considering I am 20 and have never had a boyfriend, thinking it would be good to have someone in my life. However, I fell for going back to his place for a spot of fun. When we where getting down to it he said causally "Oh you're really tiny … it's cute". At that point, I was so embarrassed I had to leave. I never saw him again. Funny and embarrassing as it is, this made me very paranoid after.

I am 5inches erect and I know that's on the smaller size of the so-called average but I can't help but be paranoid about being a little small. I have now met a really cool guy who I like a lot and he likes me, but he keeps asking me why I won't go out with him as his boyfriend. I just keep making excuses but really I know at some point I will have to show it to him and I can't afford a repeat incident. Gay people talk, and me and him know the same people, so if for whatever reason our relationship did not work out on good terms I could not afford him telling people about my little chap, because it would really be kicking a guy down when he's down.

I know you have said previously, that you would prefer a harder dick than a bigger one. But I really can't help thinking whether it really is an issue. I have no way to get over my trauma over what my date said to me and now I don't know what to do because I think about it all the time.

Thanks for listening; I would value your thoughts a lot.

My immediate reaction to this reader's email was that it's an awful indictment of the society that we live in, because it's only peer pressure that makes guys feel this way if they're smaller than average in the trouser department. In fact I'm guilty too, because although it's true that I prefer hard dicks to big ones :-), I drew attention to the fact that the guy I met after the lengthly courtship had a big dick and that kind of writing just perpetuates people's obsession with dick size :-(. Of course, the point about hard dicks is that in my experience, guys with big dicks don't usually get as hard as guys who are smaller, and I'm sure that the hardest dicks that I've played with were ones that were smaller than average!

This reader's email also reminded me about a TV programme that I saw last September, which was made by a guy called Lawrence Barraclough. Lawrence has a penis which is just 3½ inches long when erect and he's made a couple of TV programmes about it, looking into why he's bothered about the fact that his dick is smaller than average. One important conclusion that Lawrence reached was not to have surgery to try and make his little chap bigger, and I would definitely recommend that this reader avoids surgery too. One reason why surgery is a bad idea is because there's nothing physically wrong with this reader. I agree that 5 inches erect is smaller than average for an Indian or Caucasian guy, but by definition 50% of guys are smaller than average because that's what average means!

However, it's clear that this reader does have a confidence issue relating to the fact that his dick is a bit smaller than average. It's what I call the confidence mirror, but working against him. Because the reader feels that his dick size is a problem, that's the reaction that likely to be reflected back to him when he's in intimate situations with other guys. Somehow, he needs to learn that to a large percentage of the population dick size is not important, even if they joke about dick size like I did recently.

It's true, of course, that there are some shallow gay guys out there for whom a big dick is an essential attribute in their sexual partners. There have been times when I've been on gaydar and guys lose interest in me when I say that I'm average. If that's important to a guy, them I'm sure that I have no interest in him either. Actually, I can honestly say that if I'm cruising on gaydar, I NEVER look at how a guy describes himself in terms of 'Dick Size' on his profile. I've certainly had many enjoyable encounters with guys of all sizes, including many with guys that are a similar size to this reader. In any case, in terms of boyfriends and relationships, the thing that matters most is whether two guys get on with each other or not, not the size of their equipment!

I'm also sure that when that guy said this reader "Oh you're really tiny … it's cute" the guy had nothing but good intentions, because 'cute' was surely meant as a compliment. This means it was a failure of communication, because the reader's lack of confidence made him feel embarrassed which caused him to leave. So what can the reader do to overcome his confidence problem?

Confronting the issue head on is one possibility. So the next time the guy that's sweet on the reader asks him why they can't be boyfriends, perhaps he could confide in him and say it's simply because he's slightly embarrassed because he's a bit smaller than average. In that situation, the guy is highly likely to say that it doesn't matter to him. In any case, I can't imagine any circumstances which would cause the guy to discuss the matter with anyone else, even if they become boyfriends and later split up. Everyone knows that what one learns about someone else's naked body and sexual preferences is confidential, and isn't for discussion with anyone else. Talking about those kind of things with other people reflects badly on the person who divulges the information, not on the person who's secrets are being divulged. In any case, given the way that the reader feels, it's probably worth raising the issue somehow before he gets into the bedroom. Getting naked with a guy for the first time should be an enjoyable experience :-), so the reader shouldn't be worrying about what the other guy is going to say when he sees his tackle!

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?


A rebel all the way... said...

@ the letter-writer : there is SO much more to life (and even gay life, I guess) than the size of your dick...and as GB rightly said, it is difficult to imagine the guy talking abt your dick size to others...so cheer up and throw this anxiety out of your mind
@ GB : "...but by definition 50% of guys are smaller than average because that's what average means!" --- noooooooo......thats median!! :PPP
(ok ok...was just trying to be bitchy here ;-))

glhairyfxxker said...

Cute probably was meant as a compliment. Stop being self-critical and get out there and enjoy yourself young man! Who cares if he/people talk. No one will know if he's telling the truth or just being spiteful.

glhairyfxxker said...

And as a frivolous aside from a lawyer who knows that evidence speaks louder than words, just don't let him photo it :p, or control the photos you take. From experience, a lot of guys seem to have the art of making their dicks look huge on camera phones! Lol.

Good luck buddy.

cambioya said...

Dear gay banker:

For someone who works in finance you don´t seem very versed on math or worse, you are making all the wrong assumptions which in a business where assertions are all it counts it´s a reason for concern.
You said to small-cock guy that that by definition ( emphasis yours) 50% of guys are smaller than average because that's what average means. Wrong, that does not consider that size sets the average and not people, for example: 10 cocks( in cm) 8.5, 12,18, 18.5, 20, 19 23.5, 19.5, 21 ,20 average= 18 , ( ok itá an example a little bit extreme) people on or up average 8 but only 2 under. I think, according to my experience, having tasted cock in the 5 continents that this is a common pattern, a majority of (rather big) average cocks around 18cm and about 20-15 % of superbig dicks( venezuela, blacks) with some rare tiny ones. Ok there are some racial differences, I give you that and personal tastes,I can take small but thick (common in Silk route countries and Caucasus)but not long and slim dicks.

I like your blog it´s entertaining and has great value as a witness account: live to tell but I think it trails on its reflections and advises. For the small cock guy I think it would have been fairer to tell him to play down is cock and concentrate on his bottom-him. People would run away any waysit´s hard to accept the naked true but better to know and act on it, "Oh you're really tiny … it's cute" was just a hypocrite get -me- out- of- here improvised line ( the be cool not engaging speech).

I also have a sort of self-fiction blog, mostly in Spanish tough:

Anonymous said...

Cambioya - thanks for sorting that i noticed it too.

Another way to understand it GB is this. Say you had a sample of 10 guys and the mean was 15 cm and in this case it was 5 guys either side of the average, then someone with a massive dick was added to the sample and now the mean was 20. this could mean more men were now below average, and less above.

BritGuyInHolland said...

Well I know a good who is well endowed and prefers to be active (top) in sexual encounters and he finds it can be a disadvantage as some guys do not want him to penetrate them.

The fact is that if a possible boyfriend thinks that your penis is too small (and 5 inches is not what I would desribe as small) then he is not good enough to be your boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

Cambioya- your last paragraph does not make sense?

GB said...

For what it's worth, I reckon if the pedants who're worrying about mean versus median stopped to think about it, they'd probably realise that when a guy says his dick size is smaller than "average" he's almost certainly thinking median rather than arithmetic mean! In any case, with dick size the arithmetic mean and median of the population as a whole are likely to be indistinguishable. Like many biological phenomena, dick size is probably well modelled by the famous normal probability distribution (commonly known as the bell curve because of the shape of the graph), and for normal probability distributions arithmetic mean and median coincide exactly :-).

Anyway, thanks to the guys who left helpful comments in connection with the main issue, namely helping the guy to overcome his confidence problem!

GB xxx

cambioya said...

GB, come on, be a little auto-critical, arrogance makes us stupid and recognizing mistakes is healing indeed. The fact is you tried to console him saying not to worry much since average means 50% of the people have smaller dicks. The normal distribution curve only reinforces the idea that your approach makes no sense. (Who is being pedant now ? )

You are right, however, on that it´s not about arithmetics but about your wrong advise. You should encourage him to be rawer, this is a where and tear world, and if you have a small dick -a big turn off, this is the gay world- you better be a good botton and great cock sucker. I met a guy, Eduardo, who had this problem and he compensated it so well that way, he could keep a man for long (with his mouth, not words)

GB said...

Thanks for clarifying your the last paragraph of your original comment cambioya :-). However my advice is for a guy who's looking for a boyfriend, not someone who's looking to become a rent boy!

GB xxx

glhairyfxxker said...

GB, Cambioya sounds like a guy I used to know. That guy thought nothing of employing rent boys... And like Cambioya seemed to have a very particular view (not one I would subscribe to) of the world.

I must say, I did think to encourage your reader to try being a bottom (like myself and the guy I used to know), but I changed my mind. I have met (two very memorable) guys who were around the five or five and a half inches mark and they both employed a very effective rocking technique that brought me much more pleasure than I've received from some very hung guys with poor technique.

I would say to your reader that there is no need to make an issue of it or to work himself up over it; a lot of us are not as cynical or superficial as Cambioya.

PS Without wanting to be too personal, as a technical lawyer, I agree with you on "average". In the context in which it was used I would interpret average to mean median. And therefore your statement was perfectly correct. I suspect Cambioya, at least, is not English and therefore his sense of usage might be at variance to ours. On which, if a British person says "that's cute", I would interpret that as affectionately playful. The guy might have been a very dominant top who liked the idea of a guy who was not hung.


Mike said...

I think the advice in the post is spot on. A similar situation might be a man who's had an orchidectomy because of testicular cancer - I've met two men in that position; one was very shy, the other didn't care at all. The reality is I didn’t at all either – all I wanted was for us both to have a good time! Self-perception is the real problem.

It makes sense, then, that the emailer doesn’t get as much out of gaydar as he hopes; he needs emotional support too.

For the emailer I would recommend he try other websites like 'OUT everywhere' where he a can meet people, take things slow, find support etc AND still have flings/dating/relationships too.

I peronally care more about how a guy generally takes care of himself than penis size - it’s honestly never been a factor. Hard is definitely by far more important.

A rebel all the way... said...

I am sorry ....i mentioned that median thing in good humour....i did not imagine u wud take it seriously enough to start calling ppl 'pedants'

GB said...

Actually Rebel, I thought your comment about median was completely fine, it was the two comments that came after yours that irritated me!

Sorry for the confusion, take care, GB xxx

cambioya said...

Glhairyfxxker, technical lawyer, I accept the cynic label if by cynic you mean looking at things with a certain skeptical distance, not judging but not believing anything at the same time. I also would like to reccommend you a book about who were the real cynics by Michel Onfray: Cynicisms.A Portrait of the Philosophers called Dogs

I am tempted to say that if Oscar Wilde was to live in XXI century gay seen he may say that cynicism is the less cynic attitude you may have. I admire GB for his efforts for the contrary, for trying to combine the impossible: postmodern gay life and regular ethics...

Maths provide us with models that by symplifying it , explain reality. You may like the rules or not, but no matter but you do, they will still exist and will affect you: you are entitled to your own opinion but not to your own facts. Dicks, as the nrmal probability distribution shows tend to be concentrated around average, having a small or a very big one is an exception, and being the Western cultural pattern one, having a small one is a handicap. But again, the great thing about being human is that we can choose our attitude towards facts, talking it over can be helpful ( if you have a pretty face to compensate specially) but my advise from an emphirical point of view I definitely think has a better chance to suceed( not being based at least in a wrong arithmetic assumption). When you think about it, about why things do happen what´s the spark that precipitates all, you will have to agree that minor details, and not long hours of conversations are what really make the difference, on Sherlock Holmes words, in them all the fundamental is contained.

The emailer said he is Indian ( in m view a more conservative society than the Islamic one, being gay a big no no, you only have two options: active or effeminate pasive. My advise may not be very useful because I assume he has chosen the first role. It´s his choice and I respect it, we make choices and we face the music. I prefer that to the poor guy talk it over pity tone.

SubtleKnife said...

It seems to me that we don't know what he's "chosen" (just like one chooses to be straight or gay, right?) and it doesn't matter one iota for his confidence.

What I would advise your correspondent is to remind himself that there are people like GB out there and ignore the ones like cambioya.

No matter what your sexuality, hair colour or endowment, you're going to have to go out there and find someone who fits you - and that involves a lot more than one's penis.

PS. I'm female, but my first time was with an Indian who was about the same size. I didn't have a problem with that, but he acted like he had at least 8" and that became a turn-off.

Will said...

In defense of your correspondent's sensitivity, while "cute" might have been meant affectionately or as a compliment, I can't see how "tiny" could, and it probably hit him very hard.

Given that 6" is considered average, to the best of my knowledge, 5" can hardly be described as "tiny" and I think the other guy was uninformed or just insensitive. I agree that it's time for our young student to tell his current beau that he's fearful of making a commitment because of the dick size issue. If the boy he's seeing has his values in line, there should be no problem at all.

glhairyfxxker said...

I have just spent the day pouring over legislation and case law, and must say the following sentence is the most problematic I have seen all day:

"looking at things with a certain skeptical distance, not judging but not believing anything at the same time."

Cambioya you don't seem to appreciate that you have intrinsically made judgments and expressed certain (clearly firmly held) beliefs. You express yourself like a sales person; just because you say it loud enough, or by reference to academic texts doesn't make it true (any more, for example, than myself expressing myself as an individual who spends his professional life considering the meaning of words, and for that matter, human nature).

Putting aside philosophical definitions which are fine for the indulgent amongst us, the OED defines cynic as:

"a person who has little faith in the integrity or sincerity of others. 2 a sceptic. 3 (Cynic) (in ancient Greece) a member of a school of philosophers founded by Antisthenes, characterized by an ostentatious contempt for wealth and pleasure."

I think the simple fact of the matter is that we are at cross purposes as far as our use of language goes.

In any event, the argument here must be won on different merits. My advice to the young man was to be prepared to try more new things and to forget what others think. Being independent and confident is something I've suggestion before and always sound advice. As such, the reader can flourish, as a top, bottom or whatever else he chooses to be.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I've been simply DYING to ask this (and a truthful answer would be most appreaciated): Do you really get all these "Dear Abby" emails from gay men, or do you make them up? My guess is the latter, but your honest response will be respected. Lover your column (even with the "pseudo" emails from questioning readers)

GB said...

Anonymous - I get quite irritated by that question :-(. In any case, if you'd done your research you'd have found this old posting I don't invent the 'Dear GB' emails!


Masturbedroom said...

I researched the ins and outs of the last bits of the male love canal and found that it's the stretching of the opening and the stimulation of the prostate three inches inside that makes it feel so heavenly for the lucky receiver. Any deeper and it only stimulates pressure receptors the signals of which are interpreted as colicky discomfort in the brain. Maybe some guys out there like the feeling they get the morning after patronising the new cheap dodgy restaurant in town, but really I haven't a clue! What I do have a clue about is that this guy can be a passive top or an active bottom or anything he wants, he just needs to find people who live in the real world and can accept people the way they are, though I have to say it is easier to like a confident guy who doesn't have too many issues with himself.

I never use words like tiny or cute to describe a man. In fact I rarely comment. When I do, I like to boost his ego (honestly) by saying things like "you're so thick", "it's so straight", etc. If he's been with enough men and knows where he stands he'll get the subtle message but will still be pleased that I am pleased to be with him. I have to admit though that I really, really like big penisheads.

P.S. cambioya, if I am lucky enough to bump into you one day, I'm sure I will find you really, really likeable.

Anonymous said...

Masturbedroom- your last comment about cambioya is a joke right?

Ky said...

Annoymous - Accusing GB of inventing "Dear GB" emails is really bad form.

Poor GB, I don't understand why some of the readers chose to pick on your words rather than helping the young reader - that's what the dear GB posts are about.

I hope the young reader will find the courage and be able to have a positive experience which will in turn aide his confidence and find out for himself that the whole dick size issue is overrated!

Cheers, Ky

cambioya said...

I think the real issue here was not about the importance of having a tiny or big cock but about how we need a new approach to cope with the hypocritical not -engaging speech so widespread...I praise GB for trying to reconcile old morals with XXI century gay life, however, I believe this can do more harm than good. It takes a lot of reflection, wit and humor to face life with a "weakest link" (for the tv show) attitude, but besides being far more effective, it's indeed more healthy. Remember, true will make us free.

cambioya said...

To complete the definitions of cynics by glhairyfxxker here is a reflection taken from a review of Onfray's book:

Our age has a lot to learn from cynics. It is of paramount importance that new cynics appear, and set about on the task to tear off the masks, to denounce swindles and destroy the mythologies created by our current society. A task that has nothing to do with "ordinary cynicism", so frequent in social discourses, which subordinates action to pure efficacy and pragmatism

Anonymous said...

My first BF had a small penis.I had the best sex with him

Craig Williamson said...

I'm in an open relationship with my boyfriend who does have a smaller than average sized dick. I met another guy a few nights ago who had a very large c...(are we allowed to use that word here?) And the sex I had with my boyfriend was by far better than with the larger guy the other night.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that the majority of penises are smaller than the average sized penis due to the largest sizes scewing the overall average. What I mean is that because a certain percentage of the population has a penis size of over 7 inches (in some cases considerably higher than that) it raised the average to a number where the majority actually fail to meet the average size.

GB said...

Epilogue. As a result of my new policy about meeting blog readers, I discovered recently that I'd actually slept with the reader who sent me this email! After all this, the bizarre thing is that there's no way that I'd call this reader "small", let alone "tiny". If I had to choose between "small", "medium" and "large", the right answer for this guy is "medium".

However, of course there are some guys that have smaller cocks than other guys. So if you're a guy who's reading this guys and who does genuinely belong in the "small" category, please note that out of the large number of comments, there was only guy (cambioya) who generally disagreed with my views!

GB xxx