Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Another email from the gay guy with the dating issue

Last week, I got another email from the reader who emailed me a few weeks ago when he had an issue with a guy he was dating who seemed to have another younger lover. The new email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I am sorry to turn to you again but I need some advice on my personal life and career from you.

In my personal life, I've started meeting this guy once again that I mentioned previously. He told me he has no one. However, I strongly suspect he is somewhat like you - i.e. has multiple boyfriends or lovers etc. I am not sure how you do it but I suppose you can because you are very secure in a lot of aspects of your life. Having read some of your postings about your life, I have a feeling the guy I like has a rich financier supporting him like you do with your bfs. He may be one of the financier's multiple bfs. He does not share much about his life with me but asks a lot about me. There are other things he has told me that does not fit very well with his lifestyle.

I know he likes me but I think he is fearful of me that I may leave him or something. Actually he is more concerned that I am only interested in his money because it seems in past he has been hurt by a number of Latino boys. I think that is the reason he is still holding onto his other younger guy - after all he is more dependant on him than say I will be since we are both the same age.

I find it very confusing because I have genuine feelings and I think he has feelings too but he has multiple lives. So in effect his feelings are not really genuine. It is a feeling of the character he portrays himself with me.

In regards to my career, unfortunately it is not going great either and would appreciate some advice as well. My female boss has had a crush on me and because I did not reciprocate she has become hostile and effectively wants me out of the company. I raised the issue with the HR and it seems I basically have effectively signed my resignation letter. I just relocate back to the UK and it is not the most conducive situation. Furthermore, I have been contracting for the last 2 years meaning it is difficult for me to find permanent positions or good roles with career development prospects.

I would be very much interested in your thoughts.

Thank you

I was glad to hear that the reader had resumed seeing the guy that he'd emailed me about, because in his previous email I got the impression that the decision to stop seeing him had been made too hastily. But it still sounds as though he's got some issues with deepening the relationship.

He certainly can't deepen the relationship unless he can grow to trust the guy! However, it's not clear to me why the reader doesn't trust him because I can't see any motive for the guy to lie about his relationship status. The guy seems to be seeking a deeper relationship with the reader, and it seems unlikely to me that anyone would do that and lie about their current relationship situation at the same time. I would certainly never lie about my relationship status if a guy that I'm keen on asks me a direct question in that area. It also seems likely to me that the guy originally mentioned the younger guy that he's loosely connected to precisely because he wanted to be honest about everything before taking things any further.

Small baby steps is often the best approach in these situations. No one can commit to a life-long partnership quickly, so I think the reader should continue seeing this guy, while trying to find ways to trust him. If he can't find a way to build trust then ultimately the reader will need to look elsewhere for his boyfriend, because trust is fundamental in any relationship. But nothing in the reader's emails suggests to me that the guy is being dishonest.

Regarding the reader's career, it's unfortunate that he's fallen out with his female boss. In that situation, since he's a contractor and not a permanent member of staff, I don't think he has any choice but to move on. If he was a permanent staff member then there are laws to protect him from the unprofessional behaviour of his boss.

It's easy to imagine how this situation might have developed. Gay guys are not tuned in to the rituals of heterosexual dating, so whereas a straight guy would have immediately picked up on advances being made towards him and reacted in an appropriate way, gay guys can miss some of the subtle signals. So the boss could well have the impression that some of the reader's actions misled her, because he was probably originally unaware of her attraction.

In terms of finding a new job, perhaps he should aim to have a male boss next time. Since most guys are straight, a male boss would be much less likely to be interested in him sexually. But if the boss did turn out to be gay and also attracted to him, then at least he'd be properly tuned in to the situation!

Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?


Unknown said...

GB, I found myself deeply troubled by that e-mail. I don't know what is wrong with it, but the whole fabric just didn't sit together very well. I would go as far as to say that the writer appeared to me to either lack reality in areas, or that the story is embellished, but perhaps because the reader is naturally high drama? As far as work goes, and I only have experience of working in the City, and there the general rule of thumb is that if you want to succeed you don't go crying to HR or become a problem-you deal with it.

AS far as personal life goes, I read the guys first e-mail to you. This did not sit comfortably with me, particularly the line "he clearly respects me". I think this young guy needs to get to the situation where he is strong and independent and understands what respect means. I do not say this with anything but goodwill, I used to feel like him, and perhaps I feel so uncomfortable with his e-mail because I recall a time (not so long ago) when I was so neurotic and obsessive. I think this guy needs to get over the person who he is seeing, because that guy clearly doesn't respect him. He might like him, for sex and conversation, but that is not respect, it's convenience. Maybe he is there when the other guys boyfriend is travelling on work?

I suggest he gives the other guy up, or resigns himself to continue that relationship on a "for pleasure only" basis, and focuses on work.

Sometimes, notwithstanding the recent posts on the subject, you do need to be selfish to be generous. He will be much better to anyone who might like him when he is settled in himself.

Anonymous said...


I am the person at the centre of this so called "high drama".

Firstly, I refute the suggestion that it is an embellishment of the truth.

Regarding my caree, I have learnt the hard lesson that in London/UK one should not go to the HR to discuss any issues. I come from Australia and we have a more active HR that does get involve in resolving issues. I think this is where I made a judgemental error. However, at the end of the day I did not have much choice either but to resign and leave.

In regards to my personal life, I am a fairly realistic guy and am definitely not possessive or obssesive. I like this guy because he makes me laugh and makes me happy. For me that is priceless. However, I am also resigned to the fact that our situation will not develop any further towards relationship etc. Hence, I am happy to see him and enjoy his company in return he gets sex from me.

Finally, I am currently not seeing this guy because I am trying to sort out my career issues and feel more settled like you suggested.

I think you may have a fairly incorrect picture of me as a person.

Unknown said...

You really shouldn't worry about what I think. I was just trying to prompt you to think about things in a different light. Tough love if you like. In response, I don't like the phrase "in return he gets sex from me". What does that make you? Do you see what I mean about respect and independence? You need to get to a point where you think you are more valuable than just sex. Do see him if you like, but do
it on a "for YOUR pleasure only basis". GB, I think there is something in my "sometimes it is generous to be selfish" concept...

Anonymous said...

An avid reader of your blog GB but have just felt the need to response lol!

Right, I agree with the 'be selfish be generous thing'...

I've just gotten in checking out blogs and man, there are A LOT of gay guys with unfortunate self esteem issues...

It's so sad that so many people hve so little self worth. I've been accused of being over confident but heck does it get people gravitating towards you. It sucks but life is like that-unfair. People only respect you when you respect yourself. This guy seems a little too vague for my liking and I can't help but get the feeling that deep down-you know something is up. Which is why you don't trust him.

RE job front, the UK is a bitch for that. I hate the system here and am planning a move to New York. We have no respect for our workers in this country and how efficiently things should run. Bad luck...but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So don't beat yourself up for going to HR...why shouldn't you? It's this country that has the issues...

GB said...

Hmmm glhairyfxxker, so you like your idea that "sometimes it is generous to be selfish", eh? To borrow a phrase from my part of The City, aren't you "talking your own book" LOL? Anyway, with your own blog looking a bit unloved, perhaps that would make a good first posting?

Glad to hear from you Smithy, I think this is your first comment :-). I thoroughly agree with you regarding confidence, and as I've said before, projecting confidence is important in many situations!

GB xxx