An email about fidelity and bisexality

Last Sunday, I got an email from a reader as follows:

I am bisexual. Is it possible for me to practice Fidelity? Thank you.

That's definitely a record for the shortest 'Dear GB' email that I've ever received! However I thought that it was a great question, so I replied to him and asked him whether he could add anything regarding his own experiences as a bisexual. A few days later I received his reply:

Fishing for a juicy story eh?

As far as experiences, compared to me gay mates, it was to some degree a lighter blow for my family when I came out. Relationships with both sexes have been great, though some folks handled it better than others. After what I would call a more than satisfactory availability of shags and liaisons, again with both sexes, I am finally ready to settle down. My family is organizing an arranged marriage with a real nice fox of a lady, whom I have met at least a dozen times. No pressure. Me mates and ex-boyfriend are sincerely supportive but then there is always the occasional ‘when are you really coming out?’

So this reader is in an interesting situation, and in that context his original question makes a lot of sense.

I have met some genuine bisexuals in my time, but not many. I reckon the genuine bisexuals are the ones who've had significant relationships with both men and women, so that those men and women would have been described as their boyfriends and their girlfriends. I don’t count guys who lead a straight life, with a wife or girlfriend, and sometimes have a bit of fun on the side with another guy.

It's also true that some guys use the term bisexual while they're in the process of coming out as gay. Because we're all brought up to believe that we're straight, a sexual attraction to people of the same gender can be a bit of a shock, so for a while some people will think that they're bisexual before finally accepting that they're gay. None the less, it's clear from the reader's second email that he is a genuine bisexual. He's got an ex-boyfriend, and he's now looking forward to getting married to a woman.

Although I've never had a bisexual guy for a boyfriend, I do know that some bisexuals end up in a complex web of relationships, especially when they've got other bisexual friends. It's not hard to imagine the intricate mix of connections that can arise between people when some of them are bisexual, and especially when both male and female bisexuals are involved. Their lives become very very complicated, however I believe it's all quite natural to them, although probably not monogamous!

But I'm also aware that some bisexuals are serial monogamists. However, when a relationship ends, their next relationship is likely to be with someone who has the opposite gender to their previous partner. Both sides of their sexuality need to be expressed, and perhaps because they can't get everything they need from a single person because each individual person is either male or female (not both!) they'll end up switching partners to fulfil their needs. So I think the answer to the reader's question is 'Yes', it is possible for bisexuals to practice fidelity, although perhaps that means that their relationships only last for a few years.

Since this is a question about bisexuality, I thought that it would be best to ask a bisexual so as to get a definitive view. As a result of this blog, I'm in occasional email correspondence with an Asian bisexual guy who's in his early 30's, so when I received the original email I immediately asked him for his views. This is what he said:

Personally, I have always thought that fidelity is possible, provided the person in question is very disciplined or (dare I say) mentally strong. There is little doubt that it is very difficult, especially for men I think. For me, as a bisexual, I had my fun when I was younger and had a boyfriend. During my moments of infidelity, I always gave myself the excuse that I was unhappy with the relationship but the truth is that to some extent, my urges had won the battle in my mind. While they were mostly very safe, I always felt uneasy and most importantly, never satisfied by the experiences. Yet, I continued that lifestyle for a while. I guess it usually is the case when one is younger and controlled by urges more than anything else. (Then again, age is not a factor, isn't it GB? :)) [Hmmm, not sure what he means by that LOL!]

Through those experiences, I also came to realise that the chances of a gay relationship working out in a monogamous sense were very small. Thus, I broke off the failing relationship, and decided to give myself a breather and perhaps settle down if fate would have it.

And now that I have settled down with my wife, while I am still attracted to good-looking men or athletic well built guys, I am slowly coming to terms with it - accepting this as part of me yet keeping it in check. I guess some people may think that it is a torture to have a nice yummy cake in front of you and not be able to eat it. But I guess I know what I want in life - a wonderful relationship and companionship (which seems to have evaded me and many other gay men in our Asian country). To me, beauty, fitness and a hot bod will likely fade with time but true companionship will not. However, for every one of us who thinks that way, there is another who think otherwise. So to your reader's question as to whether it is possible to remain monogamous as a bisexual, I guess it really is up to him.

The bisexual guy who wrote that has now been married for almost two years, and as far as I know, has resisted all temptations to have fun with guys. So if the reader who wrote the original email is looking for excuses to cheat on his wife once he gets married, I think he needs to look elsewhere!