A great dream?

"Did you sleep well?" I ask boyfriend T during breakfast, a couple of days ago.

"I slept OK," he says sleepily, smiling at me, "you?"

"Yeah, actually I had a great dream last night :-)."

"Really? What happened?"

"It started out in this hotel which had lots of guests even though it was being rebuilt and renovated. Because I was part of the hotel staff or something I was in the loft space above all the bedrooms, but somehow I was able to see through all the ceilings of all the rooms on all the different floors. And in about half of the rooms the guests were having sex!"

Boyfriend T looks at me with a mild expression of surprise on his face.

"In one room there were about five or six guys all on one enormous bed together having some kind of orgy, although across all the rooms the split between gay and straight sex was roughly 50:50. Also, in one room near the reception area there was a female member of the staff from the gym that I go to being taken from behind by some enormous guy."

I giggle slightly at the memory of seeing this.

"But then it turned out that the main character in the dream is cursed. I was kind of the main character, but at the same time I kind of wasn't the main character and I'm just observing everything. The curse was an ancient curse, and it meant I was responsible for all the people who had died in some remote part of Africa, because my family had been receiving some income from this land since ancient times and now I was going to have to pay for it all with my life."

I'm not sure whether boyfriend T is following any of this or not, but I'm enjoying remembering the dream so I continue anyway.

"And then I'm back in the hotel, but I now realise that the hotel is in the remote part of Africa where the curse is from. I'm the hotel owner or the manager or something. I discover that all the staff are on the fiddle somehow, and I want to escape because I know that'll mean that they'll end up paying for all their deceptions, but when I drive away I end up back at the hotel reception desk. Then I'm outside with one of the staff looking under the old wooden floorboards on the verandah, and as expected I find a huge quantity of illegal chocolate kit-kat bars stashed there, and the member of staff that I'm with admits that he's responsible for putting them there. But because of the hot African climate all the kit-kat bars are all sagging. And ..."

"What on earth makes you think that this was a great dream?" interrupts boyfriend T, with a quizzical grin on his face.

"Errr well," I start, dragging my mind away from the dream and back into reality, "it was hugely entertaining, especially seeing the female member of the staff from the gym that I go to being shafted from behind :-)!"

I start giggling again.

"Do you fancy that woman or something?" asks boyfriend T.

"Actually, she looks slightly masculine," I reply, "so if I were straight I guess she'd be the type of woman that I'd go for!"

"Interesting," says boyfriend T, thoughtfully. "Anyway, where I come from, a great dream is where you win a noble prize, or become president, or meet one of you favourite family members who died a few years ago. That kind of thing :-)."

I'm not sure that I agree with his definition of 'great dreams', but suddenly I realise something.

"Actually, perhaps it wasn't a great dream after all," I say slowly, "but for a different reason. You weren't in it!"

"Just as well," laughs boyfriend T, "I wouldn't like to have been any of the characters that you've described so far!"

Even if it wasn't a 'great dream', none the less it was enjoyable. Although the part of the dream where I realised that I was cursed was mildly disturbing. But do dreams mean anything? If anyone has any idea what my dream means, or if anyone has had any good dreams themselves recently, then feel free to leave a comment :-).

Male irrationality

I've written before about the advantages of chatting to guys just after they've shot their load. In connection with hunting for a boyfriend, it's what I call the gaydar advantage. But I've only recently realised just how true the converse is, namely that guys (including me of course!) can be completely irrational before we've shot our loads.

There have been several times this year when I've met up for a bit of fun with a guy that I've seen at least once before, and at the start of the hook-up it's been clear that there's only one thing on the other guy's mind. It's because I know what they're like after they've shot their load that I was able to spot the difference. Their eyes are slightly glazed over and it's just not possible to talk to them because without doubt they're intent on one thing to the exclusion of everything else! I know that I can be like that too, but perhaps because I'm a bit older than I used to be, I think I can control it more than when I was younger.

It's also true that some kind of behaviours, while seeming quite rational in a sexual context, seem slightly absurd or irrational in an everyday context. One example of this would the things that might be said while 'talking dirty' to one's partner. Furthermore, during gay activities it often happens that one guy will cum before the other guy, and having unloaded the guy that cums first becomes more rational. So in helping the other guy to cum, the guy that cums first is able to witness the full absurdity of male sexual behaviour, in full knowledge of the fact that if it had been the other guy that had cum first then the other guy would be witnessing his 'absurd' behaviour!

This truth about male irrationality explains several things. It certainly explains why guys can be so rude on the online cruising web sites, and why it will always be like that. It explains why hook-ups with guys that one meets online are less likely to happen the further forward that they're planned, because the further forward in time the meeting is planned for the more likely it is that another opportunity for sexual release will have presented itself to one of the guys involved. It also explains why guys, including me on some occasions, will waste so much time cruising. Until we've shot our loads we're powerless to engage in any more constructive pursuits!

So I'm glad that I've now got a boyfriend again :-). With a regular partner for activities now assured, I hope to be able to spend more time on other hobbies. Indeed, I've recently started learning one or two phrases in boyfriend T's home language. Now, I wonder whether anyone can guess the first phrase that I asked boyfriend T to each me?

Swimming

Shortly after I got to know him, I discovered that boyfriend T is keen swimmer. Indeed, given the choice of a gym workout or a large number of lengths in a swimming pool, he'll choose the pool every time. I admitted to him my own lack of capability in this area early on in our relationship, but while we were on holiday together last month he wanted to know more.

"So how come you never learned to swim, GB?" he asks.

"My problem is that I sink!" I reply, quite sincerely.

"Don't be silly," he says, laughing at me.

"Honestly, I do!!" I reply laughing a bit too, "I reckon I've got heavy bones or something :-)."

"OK, well why don't we go down to this hotel's swimming pool together and you can show me :-)."

"Sure," I say, "you'll see."

Although deep inside, I know that I probably won't sink. Probably not, anyway!

"But if you don't sink," replies boyfriend T, "promise me that you'll let me teach you to swim."

Oh dear! What on earth am I getting myself into?

"I promise," I reply meekly. Many teachers at school and most of my family have tried to teach me to swim at some point, however I've never had a boyfriend try to teach me. Perhaps that's what I've been waiting for.

Later that day, we change into swimming trunks and wander down to the hotel pool together. I'm feeling a bit nervous, but luckily it's quiet and we have the whole pool to ourselves. Another bit of luck is that the pool is only 1.2 metres deep, so I can't get out of my depth.

"Right," he says, once we're both in the pool, "let's see if you can put your head under the water."

"WHAT?" I reply with panic in my voice. Even though I know that I won't drown, putting my head completely under the water seems like a terrifying prospect.

"Look, it's easy, watch me!" and with that he takes a deep breath and drops down so that he's completely submerged.

While he's under the water, I suddenly recall overhearing my mother and my grandmother talking about me when I was aged about 6.

"When I tried to get him to wash this morning," said my grandmother, "he didn't want to get his face wet!"

"Oh I know," replied my mother with an exasperated tone in her voice, "I've got no idea why. I used to worry about whether he'd wash himself properly when he grows up, but then I realised that by then he be shaving so he'll have no choice!"

Thinking back a couple of years, I recall that some of my ex-boyfriends thought that I should wash more too!

Looking at boyfriend T still submerged, I can't work out why I hate the prospect of putting my own head under the water so much. As far as I know I've never had a bad experience with water, but wherever these feelings come from, they've been there for a very very long time.

"There you go," he says coming up out of the water and taking a deep breath, "Easy isn't it?"

"Oh I don't know," I reply, "Is this really necessary?"

"I just want to see whether you sink or not!" he answers, "like we agreed this morning :-). You can't prove to me that you sink unless you get can your head under water can you!"

Gradually I try to go down, but when it gets to the point that my nose is about to go under, I stop.

"What's the problem?" he asks with a kind of 'let me help' tone in his voice.

"I don't know. I know I'll be OK, but I guess I've got an irrational fear about it, that's all."

"You're a smart guy, you going to have to fight it!"

"Yes, OK," and forcing myself, I quickly dip my entire head under the water.

"Very good," he says, "but you need to stay down for several seconds."

Eventually, and with lots of encouragement from boyfriend T who's very patient with me, I manage to keep my head under the water for about 5 seconds.

"Can't you do any longer?" he asks.

"Actually," I say, with a bit of a guilty tone in my voice, "I'm now finding it hard because I feel a bit of buoyancy ..."

"You mean ... "

"Errr, yes, I guess I don't sink after all!"

"Actually, this whole exercise has been really good," I admit. "For the first time ever, I can see that swimming might actually be possible for me."

"Haven't any of the people who tried to teach you to swim in the past made you get used to being completely underwater?"

"No actually, not like you're doing."

"You can't swim unless your comfortable doing that. It's the first step :-)."

"So do you think you'll be able to teach me to swim?" I ask, hopefully.

"Well, I did assume earlier that you wouldn't be quite so clueless!" he replies with a mischievous grin on his face, "So it's a bit of a long shot!"

Suddenly I start to feel unhappy.

"But don't worry," he continues, spotting my long face, "It'd be great if we could go scuba diving together one day, so I'll carry on teaching you until we can :-)."

Although I haven't done much more than putting my head under the water yet, the next time we take a holiday together I'm really hoping that he'll be able to spend time with me in the water and teach me to swim. And not just because I think that he looks especially hot when he's wearing his swimming trunks!

Email from a fellow blogger

When I checked my inbox this afternoon, the following email was waiting for me:

Dear GB,

I’m the author of the blog A-Philosophical (Here: in my world). We exchanged links to each other’s blogs last year. As you may remember I am Uruguayan-born, with a Spanish-background, and I relocated to Spain in 2007 from Latin America. I have been a LGTBQ Advocate in Uruguay and then USA since my ex is American, and did advocacy in NYC "Human Rights Campaign" (HRC).

Moved to Valencia had little jobs and too few work opportunities. I stayed there for one and a half years, it was around that time that I found your blog and started to follow it.

I recently relocated from Valencia to London. It has been difficult finding jobs. But still, much better-off of a situation than in Valencia where there's plenty of discrimination to foreigners. I feel fine.

Now I am working in a corporate café (20 hours a week) and started last week another part time of 10 hours a week doing cleanings in public buildings early in the morning.

During all this time I have been trying to get involved with LGTBQ Charities like: Stonewall, The Gay and Lesbian Switchboard, GMHF, PACE, LGBT History Month, and many many others.

Still, contacted all, met in person many of them but there seems there's no chance to have a work placement with any of them.

My morale now is very low. I came to London because it is a hub for charities and world wide human rights organizations. I am very passionate about Human Rights. The thing now, is that I am making minimum wage in the two jobs I have. It is not enough to survive in London, especially because housing is so very expensive.

My question is: would I enjoy a better quality of life if I were to move to another British city like Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle, etc?

I met an advocate last week and as we were speaking about my possibilities, we thought of the idea of asking the corporate café I work for (and I enjoy their work methodology) whether they could relocate within the company to these cities.

Do you think it would be a possibility?

The advocate told me that in order to volunteer and work opportunities I would have it much better outside London, far more!

What could you tell me?

I am very happy to be in London, I love it but I feel I am not having quality of life at all.

Let me know please. Thanks.

Sincerely

The honest answer to his question about moving out of London is that I'm not sure, so I thought that I'd post his email here to see whether anyone else has got any ideas. The good thing about the other major cities in the UK is that they're definitely cheaper to live in than London. In terms of gay life, Manchester is famous for Canal Street, and I'm sure that the other big cities all have their own gay scenes too. But I'm not sure what kind of job opportunities there'll be for a guy like him.

In terms of staying in London, rather than working in low-paid minimum wage jobs I'd have thought that he could do much better if he gets jobs that relate to being a Spanish speaker. For example, he could teach Spanish, alternatively he could probably do translations from English into Spanish, and perhaps he could even work in a call centre dealing with Spanish speakers. After a similar experience with low paid jobs in London, I know that the Mexican guy that I met early last year eventually found himself jobs relating to speaking Spanish, and managed to earn much more as a result.

Anyway, do any other readers have any good ideas for this blogger?

Email from a young guy in love with another guy

About a week ago, a young American guy sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I recently came across your blog in a rather long and arduous search for any advice on this topic. A little click here and there found something vaguely helpful, but yours kept coming up in the Google searches, and with a little snooping around (I hope you don't mind), I think you might have the answers.

The short version of this is that I've got a male friend that as far as everyone knows is straight. However, even in public, he is so, 'sweet', I guess is the word. We cuddle and play around like we're a gay couple. Trouble is for one, I'm bisexual. Two, I have feelings for him. For the sake of discussion, we'll call him Windex.

To set up context, I think I should explain. Me, I'm 19 and I live in the US. I'm Asian and live in an Asian/Catholic household. Coming out is not an option here, as I would suspect I would be kicked out of the house unceremoniously and in this financial crisis, its just not feasible to survive, let alone finish my degree. Since 14, I realized I wasn't like the other boys in class and figured I was gay: several bad but typical high school relationships with both girls and guys later tells me I'm bi, but I've got no luck whatsoever. Since then, I know I've become rather more cynical and introverted. Depression may have hit a few months ago. Only a few people know I'm bi. Being selective in who has to know this has been a mantra for the past god knows how long.

Windex, he's cute. Cuter than me, Asian as well, tall, and all the girls love him. I know somewhere out there, someone is going to scream 'twink!' but he's actually quite intelligent and funny, and he's not as effeminate as he dresses or looks. Think of one of those effeminate anime characters and you'd get the idea. I'm rather average (I let myself go because I gave up the whole relationship game), shorter and stockier, and in general, I don't think I really sell the idea that I'm bi or gay in the way I act or dress. The contrast can be stark. I listen to progressive and technical death metal, Windex likes pop punk and R'n'B.

But I've confided in Windex many instances of 'drama' and he's always been there as a good friend and supportive whenever we see each other (we really only see each other once or twice a week, as we live in two completely different cities). I did confess to a mutual friend that I had feelings for Windex, but he stated quite frankly that Windex was straight. I know Windex has had girlfriends in the past, and still may be seeking female companionship. Windex only knows that I've had girlfriends in the past, other members of this inner circle know I've had partners of both genders.

To be honest, I don't really know what's going on here. I've often wondered if my feelings for him are just because I've been in and out of relationships so often that anything even remotely resembling that kind of intimacy is like a board I'm clinging to in a sea of uncertainty. I wonder how I can find out if he's open to a homosexual relationship, or even gay/bi to begin with. Then, I don't know how to do this when he's leaving to another university in a couple months. I wouldn't want to kill our friendship the way it is now, but sometimes I wonder if that's because I like this fake one we've created.

If anything is worth striving for, it isn't easy to obtain. But I think I've caught myself in an impossible situation.

Thanks for your time, and great blog, by the way, GB

When I read this email, several things that this reader says made me think that he's got some issues that need resolving, apart from the situation with his friend Windex. For example, he says "Depression may have hit a few months ago", and then "I let myself go because I gave up the whole relationship game". If it is depression, perhaps mixed in with a problem relating to his self-confidence, then somehow he needs to find a way to address it. My ex-boyfriend S has a serious depressive streak in him. In his case getting him to focus on keeping busy, especially with things that he enjoys, seems to help. But I'm not sure what will work for this reader. Of course there are always pills, but they can create a dependency so they're probably best kept as a last resort for serious cases.

As this reader suggests, it also sounds as though he's clinging onto this friendship as some sort of fake relationship. In any case, I think reaching some sort of resolution of the situation with Windex would definitely help the reader move on, and perhaps help him make progress with his general mental state as well.

Given that some of the people in the reader's inner circle of friends already know that he's bisexual, it strikes me that the simplest way forward is to let Windex know too. Of course, I'm not suggesting that the reader says "I like guys and I fancy you"! Instead he should find a way of casually introducing his sexuality into a private conversation with Windex in a neutral, 'matter-of-fact' way, and see what reaction he gets. I would hope that, even if Windex doesn't already know about this reader's sexual preferences, then they'll still be good friends afterwards. This is also a good thing to do because sharing that kind of secret with someone shows trust, and hence can deepen the friendship.

In terms of whether any kind of boy-friendship is possible between the reader and Windex, I think that will depend very much on Windex's reaction to the news that the reader is bisexual. Another good thing about this plan is that it makes it very natural for the reader to ask Windex about his sexuality, perhaps as part of the same conversation, or perhaps on another occasion. If he says that he's had an interest in guys, or that he's a bit curious, then that would be an encouraging sign for the reader. But if just talks about girls, then trying to take the matter further would almost certainly be a mistake.

It seems likely to me that the reader hasn't yet told Windex about his sexuality in case Windex reacts badly to the news. If that were to happen, then the reader wouldn't be able to pretend that he's got this fake relationship with Windex any more. However, this reason for not telling Windex doesn't really make sense. If a friend can't handle that kind of news that he's not a friend worth having, and in reality the two of them only have a friendship, not a relationship.

However Windex reacts to the news, the unfortunate reality is that if he's moving to another university which is a long way from where the reader will be living, there's probably little realistic prospect of any deep relationship developing between the two of them. None the less, as I said earlier, I still think it would be good for the reader to move things forward with Windex along the lines that I've suggested. Otherwise the reader will always be thinking "What-if ..."!

Do any other readers have any thought about this situation?

Asians and Orientals

Last week, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Why do you call Asian guys Orientals? Are they furniture? Decorative vases? You professed on your blog that you are not a racist, but you come across either as very condescending or ignorant.

In fact a few years ago my friend P had made a similar comment to me, so I was pretty sure that I hadn't been using the word 'Orientals' to described East and South-East Asian guys, at least not for several years. However, since that conversation with my friend P, I had become aware that some Asian guys use the word 'Oriental' to describe themselves. So I sent back the following reply:

Hi, thanks for reading my blog :-). Actually, I hear a lot of Asian guys in London call themselves Oriental. I've always regarded it as a term which is more specific than Asian. Asian can mean from anywhere in Asia, including India, Pakistan, Kazakhstan, etc. But I think Oriental refers to East and South-East Asia. Do you disagree?
GB xxx.

But his reply was quite adamant:

I do. "Random House's Guide to Sensitive Language states "Other words (e.g., Oriental, colored) are outdated or inaccurate." This Guide to Sensitive Language suggests the use of "Asian or more specific designation such as Pacific Islander, Chinese American, [or] Korean." Merriam-Webster describes the term as "sometimes offensive," Encarta states when the term is used as a noun it is considered "a highly offensive term for somebody from East Asia."

However, I wasn't going to be convinced so easily, so I sent him back the following argument:

Very interesting, although perhaps those sources are out of date given the usage that I've observed here. For example, if you search on gaydar.co.uk you'll find a lot of profiles of Asian guys where their profile name starts 'Oriental'!
GB xxx.

Indeed, doing a quick search last night I found 144 such profiles. This time, his reply was a bit more conciliatory:

Are you from England? I am from America. We tend not to use the term Oriental to describe Asian guys.

This whole email conversation had been during the day while I was at work, so when I got home that evening I searched my blog for the word 'Oriental'. In the past three years I only found three occurrences. Two of these were when a guy had described himself as Oriental in an email where he was asking me for advice:

Email from a guy with relationship difficulties

How do I meet other gay professionals in Asia?

and the other occurrence was when a similar thing happened on gay.com. Although back in May 2006, I did use the word Oriental to describe a cute Chinese guy.

Last night, I also asked boyfriend T what he thought about using the word 'Oriental' to described a person.

"I'm not sure," he replied, "Isn't there a train called 'Oriental' that goes from Europe to Asia?"

"Oh, you mean 'The Orient Express'," I answer after a little thought, "but that doesn't really go do Asia, well, only Istanbul I think!"

"Anyway, I don't think 'Oriental' is an offensive term," he says, "although I think of the Middle East and India, rather than the Far East."

In spite of what the guy who emailed me said, the fact that some East and South-East Asian guys use the word 'Oriental' to describe themselves suggests to me that it's not an offensive term. Do any readers have any thoughts on this matter?

Wanking

The sexual habits of the human male continue to amaze me. A couple of months ago, I'm logged into gaydar as GB, and I get chatting to one of the guys who'd sent me a "Dear GB" email a few months previously:

GB : so are u meeting many guys from here?
guy: no, not really
GB: I think u should make an effort, and try meeting a few guys :-)
guy: i suppose
GB: and then if u like each other, u can have a bit of *fun* with each other even if u don't think he'd make a good bf!
guy: hehe
GB: anyway, if u don't meet other guys, what do u do when u feel horny
guy: I wank quite a lot
GB: fair enuf, actually I still enjoy that sometimes :-)
GB: how often do you wank?
guy: 6 times a day
GB: you're joking ...
guy: well not every day, but I'll often do it that much, honest

I've always enjoyed wanking when there's nothing better available, although the frequency with which I do it has gradually declined as I've got older. However, even when I was a teenager I can't ever remember wanking 6 times in a day, and this guy is around 30 years old!

The discussion on gaydar reminded me about an Indian guy, who's in his very early 20's, who's been visiting me occasionally over the past nine months or so. The first time he visited me, I was in for a surprise. We'd just got naked with each other and I reach down to feel him and as expected, he's nice and hard :-). So I give him a few playful tugs, up and down, but then

"Oh, errr, keep going ..."

and even though we've only just started to get to play around, he came. And there was a lot of it that came out too!

"Wow," I say not really knowing what to say, "that was quick!"

"Sorry!" replies the guy, sheepishly.

"Oh don't worry, it doesn't matter at all :-)," I say, trying to put the guy at ease, "I'm just amazed that's all! When was the last time you came?"

"Probably a couple of weeks ago."

"Really? Why so long ago??" I ask, "Don't you wank???"

"Sometimes, but not much!"

Given that this guy came so much and so easily, surely it can't be healthy for him not to wank more often, especially his young age? But for the guy who's 30, surely it can't be healthy to regularly do it 6 times a day?

If I'm right that it's healthy for adults to cum regularly, I find myself wondering whether wanking is sufficient, or whether there's any health benefit to activities with other guys. Of course it's more fun with another guy, but if one just wants to stay healthy then perhaps wanking is sufficient?

Lastly on this subject, while using google in connection with this post, I found this page which lists euphemisms for wanking. I've never seen such a long list of expressions, with many that I'd never heard of before. Such as filling up the belly button well, which I guess is my new favourite term for it!

Anyway, if any readers have any thoughts on these matters then it would be very interesting to hear them :-).

Another email from a guy in his first gay relationship

About a week and a half ago, I received another email from the guy who emailed me about his first gay relationship a few months ago. His new email was as follows:

Dear GB,

How are you? Hope you are enjoying your life with boyfriend T, great holiday pics and hope everything could work out between you two =).

It’s great to be back in Asia. Even though working in an investment bank is really crazy (worked till 4am), I still get to know some new people here, both straight and gays =).

I may need some advice again. Yes it's the same boyfriend issue, but not about being monogamous etc, he is in USA and I am in Asia. I can't control him anyway. I will just need to know myself.

Yes, we are still sort of together after I left. I persuade myself that as long as he still LOVES me this relationship might work out.

But looks like he is not putting effort into it.

He cut our daily talking times from 2 to 1 because he said he is busy with earnings season reports. We talked less than 10 mins a day. I understand he has busy work so I never call him during his work time (he won't pick up anyway), even though I am willing to answer his phone call during my busy working hours. I said I am always here 24/7.

But now he is not even willing to call me anymore, because he says he is tired after work, while he can go for birthday party or dinner with friends but not spending 10 mins to talk to me.

He just call me whenever he has nothing else to do, only when he feels like it (after his dinner, and party) and sometimes he doesn't even call.

Yes maybe he loves me, but I don't think he is putting effort into this relationship, even emotionally! All he can do is type "i love u " on iPhone which takes less than 5 seconds.

And when I brought up this issue, he accused me of being selfish and dramatic and wants to break up because I bombarded his email during his busy working time.

I couldn't sleep because I am thinking all the effort I am putting into maintaining this relationship and he just doesn't give a shit and takes me for granted.

I understand in a relationship most of the time, one is loving and putting in more effort. But I don't think I am asking too much, only 10 mins a call a day (while I can compromise on my busy ibanking life).

In a private email to me you told me to look for signs of love, but I really don't see any in this situation. Furthermore, to be selfish, I don't know why I should be the one putting so much effort. He is 9 years older than me, had so much history and slutty past life and his looks are not even my type. While I am still young, confident about my physical features and my future career, I know I am very stable and good boyfriend material (all my gay friends said I am totally different from the stereotypical slutty gay and very committed with great personality).

By committing to this relationship I am basically blocking myself from experiencing what all the normal gays go through (I never had sex with someone else, never in love with someone else) because I feel I should be committed to what I have now. Yet you see how he treats this relationship. But I am not saying that I want to be with someone.

What's your advice on this? Maybe I should really just give it up, and let the life itself decide my fate instead of forcefully maintaining this relationship? Or just because I am young and energetic so pretty intense in a relationship? Maybe I should just invest more time on myself?

Hope to hear from you

Best

I'm glad that this reader has had this relationship, and I'm sure that he's got a lot out of it. However, reading this email makes me think that it's over, for now at least. If the two of them end up in the same country at some point in the future, then perhaps they could give it another go depending on their situations at the time. Also, if they travel to each other's country, perhaps they could still go on holiday together as kind of temporary boyfriends. But it seems to me that the main relationship isn't working because they're not making each other happy, and given the physical distance between them I don't think it’s fixable.

So I reckon it’s time for the reader to move on. He should take with him all the happy memories of this first gay relationship and his first gay sex, but also think about all the things that could have gone better and try to learn from them. Indeed, I think the reader already knows that he’s quite intense. To many potential new boyfriends that’s likely to be a bit off-putting, and can come across as being very needy which is always unattractive. No one can control their boyfriend and nor should anyone want to, because one gets far more out of a relationship when one’s boyfriend has different attitudes, and different ways of looking at things. The trick is to find a sustainable way of living with each other, and supporting each other, so that both guys can both grow as individuals and achieve their potential.

I’m sure the reader is right though, that in principle he’s excellent boyfriend material :-). Given that he’s already met a few gay guys in the city where he now lives, he shouldn’t have much trouble integrating himself into the gay life there and hence looking for a new boyfriend. My one word of caution would be, not to go rushing into any new relationship. Experience shows that one can make bad decisions like that when one’s on the rebound from a relationship which has just ended!

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?