Conversational evasion techniques

Yesterday a reader left a comment on a recent posting of mine asking for some advice. I reckon he's asked an important question, so I've decided to answer it in 'Dear GB' format, and then other readers can add their thoughts too. The question the reader asked is as follows:

Dear GB,

How do you manage to be discreet about your sexuality in the office? I want to be discreet too, but during a conversation today with a co-worker, he asked if I'd ever had a gf? I replied honestly and said no, (and whispered to myself...never) and then tried to change the topic. He was kinda amused, though I'm just 21. I'm sure you have experienced those kinds of situations when heterosexual co-workers talk about girls and they begin to put you in the hot seat, asking about your experiences with girls. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. So how have you managed to handle these situations? Cheers, you rock gb :-)

Adrian

I think the most important thing to say is that there's nothing wrong with being gay. But it doesn't always feel like that! Things would be much simpler if we could all just say to everyone "I'm gay" as soon as we realise, but of course life is more complex than that. When one is young or still coming out, it can be particularly hard to handle these kind of situations. It certainly was for me.

For a guy who is completely 100% out as a gay man to everyone he knows, if he gets asked about girls by someone who doesn't know he's gay, he will be confident enough to say "I prefer men". There are a very small number of guys who've never had a problem being gay, and have been out to all friends and family ever since they can remember. But I think it takes most of us at least a few years to fully come out, and even then one may not want to be "out" to absolutely everyone one knows for one reason or another.

But whatever stage of coming out one is at, however early, I think the golden rule is never to lie. So never pretend you like girls if you don't, never pretend you've had experiences that you haven't had, never say anything that you may have to contradict if one day you end up being more open about your sexuality. If you lie you're likely to get caught out eventually, which will probably have all sorts of consequences which would be worse than anything that could happen by avoiding a lie. Replying honestly to difficult questions is one possibility, and in fact can sometimes be a good idea.

This is because a lot of the time, when you're in these situations, the other guys are just trying to be friendly. A good way to make friends with people is to find common ground. Since most of the population is heterosexual, it's a common mistake to assume that everyone is heterosexual, particularly for guys that haven't met many gay guys. When this happens it's a fascinating failure of communication, because one guy is trying to express friendship, and the other guy feels like they're under attack. If this is indeed the situation, almost anything one says is likely to be well received because the intention on the other side is friendship. In general, there's no doubt that western society is more accommodating for gay people these days, so sometimes, coming out in this situation can be a good idea because sharing a confidence is reciprocating the intended friendship.

One can also get asked these questions by family members, in big family gatherings. Before I'd even properly come out as gay to myself, I can remember being asked about girlfriends by my grandmother when the whole family was listening. I reacted very badly to the question, and the whole afternoon had a bad flavour for everyone as a result. Again, the intention was friendly, but I felt under attack. I should have simply said something like "I'll sort myself out eventually!"

Of course, the intention isn't always friendly. But then, if it is a potentially unfriendly situation, unfriendly replies are more acceptable. In which case, finding a way to say "mind your own business" can work.

These days I don't hide my sexuality even at the bank, although I still use discrete language. So I'll always talk about "my partner" rather than "my boyfriend(s)". There's a whole language which most people will understand means that you're probably gay, but which doesn't actually require you to say that you're gay. And if people don't get the message, being emphatic and repeating a previous answer can sometimes help.

As an example, I can recall something that happened to me in the early 1990's. I was still getting used to a gay lifestyle a few years after I'd started living with boyfriend number 1, and one year I was the new staff member sitting on a big table of colleagues at the bank Christmas party. A natural pause in the conversation arises, and suddenly one of the most extrovert and heterosexual guys on the trading floor asks me a question.

"So GB, are you married?"

Immediately the whole table focuses on me, waiting for my answer. It's a natural fact of office life that people are nosey and like to know these simple facts about each other. And unmarried girls are often interested to know who the unmarried guys are in their office, because it's very common for heterosexual relationships to start through a work connection. But what can I say? Back in those days, even saying "I live with my partner" seemed more obvious than I felt comfortable with.

"Errr no, but I'm spoken for," I reply timidly. More confidence in delivering my answer might have helped the conversation move on, but in those days I wasn't nearly as confident as I am now.

"Uh huh, do you live together then?" the guy replies, trying to gauge the strength of my relationship. Everyone is still listening. But I really don't want to say any more.

"I'm spoken for!" I reply, "That's all you need to know!!"

It worked. I was at that bank for another five years and I was never asked about my domestic situation again.

Anyway Adrian, I hope that helps. Perhaps some other readers have further thoughts on how to handle these situations?