Sunday, September 28, 2008

Boyfriend P and boyfriend S

Within a week or so, I'll be going on a little trip to Asia to see boyfriend P and meet a few more of his friends. The other guy in boyfriend P's life won't be there, so I'm really looking forward to it :-). After Asia we'll be coming back to London, and for the first time boyfriend P will be staying with me in my house. Previously that wasn't possible because ex-boyfriend S was living with me, however ex-boyfriend S is now living in his own house.

All this raises one of the biggest issues in my personal life at the moment, namely working out how to reconcile boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S, because they've never met. They don't need to become friends, although that would be very nice of course, but it would be good if they could at least tolerate each other. So now that boyfriend S is living in his own house, perhaps it's time for the two of them to meet?

A couple of years ago, ex-boyfriend S felt a lot of hatred towards boyfriend P. "If he were here now ... I'd ... I'd KILL him!! GRRRRR!!!" he said once. At the time, I told him that his anger should be focused at me rather than boyfriend P, because it was my decision to start going on holidays with boyfriend P and so I was to blame. These days, ex-boyfriend S does seem a lot more relaxed about things, although I still haven't ever shown him any photos of boyfriend P.

When I was on holiday in Provincetown last summer with boyfriend P, we bumped into one of boyfriend P's friends who was there with his boyfriend plus another friend of theirs, so we invited all three of them round to supper. It turned out that the friend who wasn't part of the couple had previously been the boyfriend of one of the guys in the couple for fifteen years.

"I guess the two of them were such a huge part of each other's lives for so long," said boyfriend P to me later, "that even though they're not boyfriends any more, it's quite understandable that they still hang out with each other sometimes, and all go on holiday together like this."

Boyfriend P couldn't have put it better. But the same rational thoughts seem to evade him when he thinks about me and ex-boyfriend S, and we were together for more than 15 years! He seems to expect that ex-boyfriend S won't be part of my life any more, even though the two of us have managed to remain friends. Furthermore, whenever I meet any of boyfriend P's friends, I'm usually under strict instructions to avoid all mention of ex-boyfriend S. "Why would you want to mention him anyway?" he'll ask indignantly.

Then there's also my parents and my sister's family. A lot of my family like ex-boyfriend S, and I think he likes most of them too. So even though we're not boyfriends any more, it's not clear to me why I can't visit my family with ex-boyfriend S. Or even better, with boyfriend P and ex-boyfriend S :-).

About a year ago, I was cuddling up to boyfriend P one morning after a good night's sleep when I decided to ask him a question.

"Would you like to meet boyfriend S sometime?" I ask. I feel him tense up slightly.

"Oh GB, I don't know!" he says after a short pause.

"Uh huh, OK. Do you think there's a problem then?"

"Well," he says after a much longer pause, "I think he'd be scared of me!"

I didn’t expect that answer, and I'm still trying to work out what it meant. In fact, I think it may have been an attempt to hide the truth, which might be that it's boyfriend P who's scared of the situation.

One good thing about boyfriend P is that he's very non-confrontational. So much so, in fact, that it's probably a minor character flaw because some of life's situations occasionally require a bit of confrontation and he's not very good at it! So it seems likely to me that to avoid confrontation, he'd much rather avoid dealing with the situation relating to him and ex-boyfriend S forever. But the more I think about it, the more I feel that while this issue remains, my relationship with boyfriend P is stalled. I definitely think that it needs to be resolved at some point.

But is now the right time to resolve it? Perhaps it's too soon after ex-boyfriend S's move into his new house? Another issue is that ex-boyfriend S has a lot of other highly emotional issues in his life at the moment that are nothing to do with the situation between him and me. So perhaps it's a good idea to get ex-boyfriend S to meet boyfriend P soon, because while there are these other big issues in boyfriend S's life meeting boyfriend P might not seem like such a big deal? Or since there are these other issues in boyfriend S's life, perhaps it's inconsiderate of me to be contemplating the meeting at this time?

Finally, if I do try and get them to meet, what's the best venue?  Presumably not the house that I used to share with ex-boyfriend S, although maybe his new house is a possibility?  And who should be there? Perhaps just the three of us, although would it be better to have the two of them on their own without me, or would it be better with other friends there?

If anyone give me some advice, it would be much appreciated!


Superchilled said...

It sounds to me that the timing for getting BFs P & S to meet is not great. But I expect it is never going to be great for various reasons. So you might as well make it happen and move on with things. I'd definitely have it somewhere neutral where anyone can safely escape. A late morning coffee/stiff drink which can move into lunch if all parties feel so inclined, at a venue that fits which gives you some privacy would be ideal.

It seems to me that they are both a little off the mark in terms of the guy who is right for GB, so if it doesn't go 100% then it just wasn't meant to be. But you've given it a go.

Beware also having BF S thinking you've moved him out so you can move BF P in. That isn't going to win you any brownie points in terms of long term connection with him.

Above all have fun. There situations make you work at your most efficient/intense and serve to let you know you're alive.

Anonymous said...

Which part of Asia will you be travelling to GB?
Also I don't think visiting parents and family with both P and S would be such a good idea especially when one (S) seems to be liked more than the other (or atleast are more keen on). You dont want sides being taken and an uncomfortable situation developing

GB said...

Thanks vm Superchilled, that's very useful :-). I also can't help wondering what was in your mind when you wrote "...they are both a little off the mark in terms of the guy who is right for GB", if you have time I'd really like to know what you think.

Good point about family visits St. Regarding Asia, I guess I'll blog it as I go, so you'll just have to come back and visit me here again :-).

GB xxx

Charlie said...

I'd have a different perspective here. I think the sooner P and S meet the better. I've always found it to be the fear of the unknown is what generates the nerves and tension. Using a distraction and ulterior motive often helps too.

My mum was really hesitant about meeting a recent boyfriend and I think he was too so I found the excuse of needing to carry a heavy TV up her stairs to get them introduced. They were both fine after that. Similarly his mum was nervous about meeting me but then we got introduced at a concert. On the flip side, he used talk of doom and never being accepted as a bf by his aunt and we therefore found ourselves living in a closet little world where he’d have to whisper on a phone call and ask for permission to meet. Don’t get me wrong, I hold feelings for the guy but also hurt. I appreciate his circumstances but you can’t go dropping your issues on someone else and expect them not to feel hurt.

It’s a tad like the fears we have of coming out I guess, we wonder about that unknown - isn't that what creates insecurity. When you leave the 'stakeholders' to fester on their thoughts, they can only use their imagination which usually has a negative connotation. Make sure that whatever method you choose that you make time for both of them soon after the event as they'll both have questions to ask you and will fret if left in limbo. A good hug for P and S and you'll all be fine. So don't leave them hanging mate.

Anonymous said...

dear Gb,
regarding your dilemma..mmmmm
where u seem to have looked at all the possibilities you really cannot foresee what will actually happen if the two meet..emotions take over ones level head in times like these. Personally i would find it hard if i was boyfriend S as you are effectively introducing his replacement.
As boyfriend P, jelousey would take over as i would invisage the two of you together which would churn my stomach.
Saying all this though, these are my personal thoughts and as I don't know any of these people I could not say how they would feel/react.
It is a dilemma as to you it makes sense as it would make your life a little less complicated i suspect. So are you being selfish to expect all to happily get along?
I look forward to reading the outcomes of this...but take care, you seem like a good guy who does his best for everyone..but it may be you in the end that gets hurt.

Superchilled said...

You're welcome GB,
My gut instinct is that you are quite different in a number of ways to both P & S. You may have various ways in which you connect with them, but it doesn't seem like there is the ability to truly communicate without a reasonable amount of editing on your behalf. I think what you need to look for is someone who has a more equal footing with you. Someone who is more able to challenge and with whom you can say what you're feeling whenever, because I don't get the feeling that you can with either of P or S. I may well be wrong, but that's just my impression.

close encounters said...

it's great that you and S still have a friendship, i hope that it continues ...

it seems like it would be a waste not to take the opportunity of P being in London to see if P and S can meet ...

i agree with Superchilled that a coffee/drink sounds like a good idea ... and would suggest that you have enough issues to deal with, without being distracted by other friends ...

so, if you do go for it, presumably you would ask P and S if they would be prepared to meet ... this begs the question, which do you ask first ... and when do you ask the question [you don't want P to spend the holiday worrying about it] ?

and i thought that my life was complicated !

good luck. hope you don't spend all of your holiday thinking about it ...

Anonymous said...

You know what, GB, I have tried to see your perspective for many months now...

and at best, you are a complete SHIT of a human being.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous above. Even though I don't know you, reading your blog angers me. You sound like a pompous asshole. I'm glad S is out of your life and I sure hope P dumps you like the piece of shit that you are.

GB said...

I think your point about fear of the unknown is a good one, Charlie :-).

Thanks for you thoughts, first anonymous commenter, maybe I am being selfish in wanting to organise the meeting. Although perhaps it's better as a planned event, rather than accidentally in the street.

Actually Superchilled, I think communication with boyfriend P has always been reasonable, and probably more so since he discovered this blog! Communication with ex-boyfriend S was definitely a problem, and became worse over the years.

Thanks for you thoughts Close Encounters. I think you're right, if the meeting ever happens there shouldn't be anyone else there.

Why is it that people who leave abusive comments always do so anonymously? I wonder what they're afraid of? Anyway, whoever they are, I'm grateful to them for spending a few minutes of their lives to let me know what they think :-).

GB xxx

benniboi said...

Is Boyfriend P 12 year-old? or at least his mind-set is.

Ken Skinner said...

Get them to meet. Fear of the unknown is something that'll eat away and persist.

Discotheque GQ said...

I think it really depends on what your true intentions are, GB. If you want them to meet so everyone in your life can co-exist it's understandable. And I think if either one of them can't agree to that then it's their loss. Now if for some subconscious reason, you want them to meet so they can fight for your attention/affection...well that would be a whole different post now wouldn't it? ;)

Anonymous said...

Anonymity is better than having MY mailbox fill up with nasty notes...

While you can write off any number of comments (including, I will be the first to admit) mine - to sour grapes, I find that after reading you for over a year, no reason to be sympathetic to you, your promiscuity and your use/abuse of those poor souls who fall for you and your sexual craving to get off.

You may indeed be a "golden child" - good salary, good job, nice home... most of the rest of us fags are not in that position, and should not give a flying fuck as to your dilemas about your dealings with boyfriends A, B, C, or D (or 1, 2,3, and 4 for that matter).

Most of your readers would kill to be in that position (or perhaps you live in a rarified world that most of us can only aspire to).

GB said...

Well indeed benniboi, but I reckon that he just hasn't thought through all the issues properly.

I think you're right Kenski, that must be the strongest argument!

Co-existence and harmony are indeed my goals Discotheque GQ :-). I'd honestly never thought of your other scenario!

And a special thank you to the anonymous reader :-), whoever he is. For some reason he's been reading my blog for over a year, even though he doesn't like me. However I hope he doesn't think that I'd send anyone "nasty notes", that's not something that I'd do!

GB xxx

Ken Skinner said...

Having mulled this over for a while I've managed to synthesise my thoughts into one concept... which I've been working on for nearly 40 years...


It's easier to be judgemental than understanding.


Oh, and everyone under 30 is crazy! (I reserve the right to move the goalpost when I reach 50)

Anonymous said...

GB, I have been off your blog for nearly a year and am just seeing that you and ex-S finally split. My personal take on your situation with P, and your desire to have "one big happy family with P and S together" is that you CONSTANTLY have this desire to both have your cake and eat it too. (Not dissimilar to your desire to maintain a bf relationship with S before he became ex-S, but to also be allowed to fuck around as much as you like). But, as I interpret some of the other posters (anonymous ones) on this thread, real life doesnt work this way!

You have broken up with S--why try to subject him to the misery of having to interact with the one who has replaced him? You guys split for a reason. Otherwise, the clear option would have been to bring P into a 3-way relationship. (and perhaps he could replace your elderly cleaner too?) ;-)