Sunday, November 05, 2006

An email from a female reader: Is my boyfriend gay?

I got an e-mail from a female reader who lives in the USA yesterday, wondering whether the guy 'A' that she's been dating is gay. In my reply, I offered to post her story here, with the hope of getting some insightful comments from readers. She agreed to let me post her story so here is is:

Dear GB,

I went through a difficult divorce a couple years ago and A was the first person I met that I felt very connected to. He lives an hour away, so we only dated on the weekends. 3 months of dating went by with nothing sexual, just snuggling watching TV and some kissing. After 3 months we decided to go ahead with having sex. It was different from anyone else I have known. But I accepted it and thought things would get better as time went by.

Let me fill in here a couple of other things. During this whole dating thing with him, he would never let me visit him at his house. He was raised poor and thought it was in such bad shape. He was just too embarrassed for me to ever to see it. So he always come to my place. After a year though, I thought this was kinda strange, but didn't push his boundaries. Also, he is very very passive. Which is okay I guess, just different from anyone I known before. If we had physical contact, it was usually me initiating anything. Like I said he was born and still has a hard time just making ends meet. I am just opposite. I have worked hard and saved hard and I have savings accounts and live pretty comfortable.

We attended several out of state family get togethers, in which I noticed that when A walked up, most everyone got quiet. Someone even at the picnic, even mentioned "glad to see you, never see A with a girl before". Hmmh? Sometimes in conversation, he throw off on females in general, saying that's just how FEmales are. They can get their way, but if guys would all get their heads together, all that would change. Don't know if any of this is helpful, just want you to know the whole pic. We waited quite some time before anything sexual started. Again, at my initiating, which he seemed to like.

His personality and looks: He is short, but very nicely built, good looking, broad strong shoulders, a small waist and firm 'hiney'. When we did start having sex, he could never finish what he started. He had to finally take care of himself with me laying beside him. I could never understand this, after an hour of hot love making? Also, he always wanted me to touch him. He never once touched me completely. Three times he touched me lightly for just a few seconds and stopped. But he loved for me to touch him and kiss on him all the time. He did love to play with my breasts even while he was taking care of himself after not being able to finish otherwise. One of the last times having sex, he seemed to accidentally, but intentionally, go from regular sex to anal sex. I had never done this and would have been open to it actually. He asked me "am I in the front or back?", I said back, he continued, and later said he was sorry, and that he had never done that before. I assured him it was okay. Didn't believe it was the first time. Also he has this thing sometimes laying in bed, he would ask me to rub his hiney. Never run into that before either.

He's never been married and has no kids. He did take one vacation with a male buddy years ago to an island. I've always had a gut feeling that he was gay. If you have any questions, I'll be glad to answer. We are not talking for right now and may never again. But I don't want to spend the next couple of years thinking on this. Hope you or your readers have some insight.

My initial thoughts are that A might just be a straight guy who has a few emotional problems, perhaps relating to his poor background, and who has great difficulty relating to women. But he also might be a gay guy forcing himself to try and have a girlfriend. I'm still thinking about her situation, but meanwhile does anyone have any thoughts? I think there are probably some American things in her story which an British guy like me won't pick up on.


Anonymous said...

Hello GB,

Reading that, it seems to me that he has some kind of Deep, Dark Secret that his family might be aware of and that he has trouble communicating to others who are close to him.

Yes, he could be a gay man struggling with his sexuality. But he could also be a child who has suffered from sexual abuse - which might tie into why his family knows and appears uncomfortable (to your correspondent's mind). Perhaps he's inexperienced, full stop, which can truly lead some people to just close up and be unable to develop their sexual side.

It is a very tough call, and it's also easy to speculate. There's no substitute for talking to someone, however, so for her own peace, I think that the only way that your correspondent will get answers to her questions is to have a open, though difficult, dialogue, if possible.

libertine di homo said...

i'm no therapist/counselor - just going off my gut feeling in reading this.

my 'gaydar' is pretty on point (most times) - but i didn't get an immediate "yes, he's gay vibe." but i do agree with you, GB, that there are several big problems that this guys needs to address. that said:

(1) it definitely is in her best interest to end the relationship. these don't sound like 'easy fix' problems, and they certainly do not sound like the types of issues where she should be the only support person for him. and (2) she should let him know the real reasons why she is breaking it off. but i need to caveat this by saying only if she feels he is sturdy enough to handle such directness. based upon what she has outlined, this may not be the case.

however, if she does feel he can field this well, this could be a wake-up call for him to really iron out these issues. but again, she definitely should test the waters in how much directness he can digest.

but most importantly - and not to sound like a heartless bastard - this is not her problem to fix. it is not her resposibililty to be his therapist. he needs to go to speak to someone professional.

if you're reading this, ma'am - best of luck to you on it. hats off to you for seeking advice on this.

(and thanks, GB, for sharing with us in a senstive and non-salacious manner). :-)

muse-ic said...

like the others, im no expert and only have my own experience to go on, and i cannot really offer anyhting new or helpful to what the two guys above have.

It certainly sounds like there are some issues that he has. Maybe he is gay but feels repressed or afraid to do anyting about it, and is trying to be 'normal' by having a girlfriend. Perhaps he is afraid of the social stigma attached to being gay? Perhaps his family are homophobic and so he has been conditioned this way? Perhaps he is simply curious?

Or, perhaps he is just a very nervous guy who still figuring out how to exist within a relationship?

Whatever he is, I peronsally think that the best thing to do would be end the relationship and allow him to go do whatever he has to do, and for yourself to move on and be happy; because it doesn't sound like you are.

Best of luck to you x x x

Anonymous said...

Hi guys,
Thanks for giving me your opinions. It's been an unusual relationship, but when I do break it I have now, I find myself missing the parts I enjoyed. I just couldn't live withh all the secrecy that seemed to be hovering all the time. If you have any questions or new ideas, please feel free to add them. And GB....thanks for taking the time to help me go forward or at least put some closure here. Will be watching your blog entries. That in itself is pretty interesting. Thanks again ~ B

muse-ic said...

^ hey B; there is always that sense of 'lacking' after the end of a relationship, I guess; I am sure that you will soon overcome it and find new horizons to discover.

GB - I must say, this new-style blogging of yours is much more interesting (not that it was boring before, mind); nice one.

Dodgy Blogger said...

americans? pastor ted.

GuyDads said...

As a former closeted/in denial gay man that was twice married to women, I say he is gay. The poor guy is trying to be straight.

Moncrief Speaks said...

My gut reaction is that he's gay, especially with having to "finish himself off" in order to have an orgasm. It's a good thing, in my opinion, that you're no longer seeing him.