Sunday, November 26, 2006

An email from a female reader

I received the e-mail below from a female reader.

Dear GB,

I just wanted to say how much I like what you are doing here! I wish more people would reach out and empower others. I do have a question, that I think you will be able to help me with:

Recently I had a one night stand with my ex that I broke up with over a year ago. While that's happened before to me with former boyfriends, this time it really felt different. Almost as though we were meant to be together. The sex was a lot different, and I felt like I wanted to have children with him. The other day I was out with a friend and we ran into an old friend of hers who is 7 months pregnant. Later my friend mentioned to me that her friend is engaged to my former boyfriend. That really shocked me at first. Now I feel kinda bad I slept with a soon to be married man, and my hopes of getting back with him are shatered. At the same time I feel bad for her because he got her knocked up and cheated on her. I'm really at a loss on what to do. Should I continue seeing him, should I let her know what kind of man she is about to marry, or should I just forget about the whole thing and find someone new to have sex with?

When I get e-mail requests for advice, I always feel honoured that someone thinks I might be able to help them, so I always treat the requests seriously.

One thing that occurs to me about this situation is that it might be a good idea for the reader to confront the ex-lover with the fact that he's now engaged to be married to a woman who's 7 months pregnant and who's carrying his child. She could tell him that he should confess to his fiancé that the two of them had a 1-night stand. If he reacts badly to the idea then at least she won't feel so bad about letting the woman know herself, if that's what she chooses to do. But it's hard for me to envisage a scenario where she gets back together with him.

Another thought is that what she might have experienced when she had the 1-night stand with him was the added confidence he would have had from being engaged to be married. Confidence is very powerful, which is why it's often said that "married men are more attractive". It all comes from the confidence that derives from having their life sorted. All this suggests to me that she should look elsewhere for sex, and given what he's done, I don't see how she could trust him anyway.

Do any other readers have any better advice for this situation?


Snoskred said...

I'm with you GB - I think letting the woman know is a must. She deserves to make the decision about marrying him with the full facts of the situation.

It sounds to me like he feels trapped by her pregnancy and he may be doing a lot of sleeping around to feel more free. It's a possibility. :(

Anonymous said...

Hello GB,

Difficult. Your correspondent probably knows that there is no future with her ex-boyfriend. Not only is there now baggage (in the form of a soon-to-be-born child), but she has no way of knowing exactly what the relationship is between the pregnant woman and her ex-boyfriend. Because of this, I do not think that it is prudent to tell the pregnant lady that her boyfriend has cheated on her. That is something that really should be discussed between the ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

With regards to staying in touch with him, I have to agree that trust would be an issue. Friendship does not seem to be an option, and a long-term relationship looks unlikely given the presence of a third party, a future child, and the fact that he appears not to have been entirely honest regarding his circumstances. So, while the one-night stand may well have been a throwback to old times, it does not look an indication of a desire to renew more than a physical relationship. It is up to your correspondent to decide whether this is an avenue she wishes to pursue.

As an aside, I must comment that it is really does seem to be true that married or attached men have a certain kind of allure over and above their single counterparts.

muse-ic said...

my personal advice for your reader would be to move on and pass it off as water under the bridge.

she broke up with this guy for a reason and, although it felt good, it is important to remember that things didnt work out before.

maybe it is just me - but i think clearing steer of ex's is the best thing to do.

Minge said...

Tell her to become a lesbian. It's much easier.

Anonymous said...

I agree with GB. It should the bloke who tells his wife-to-be about what he got up to.

IMHO, pursuing a relationship with him would not be a good move and would probably cause pain to everyone involved.

Anyway, could you really trust this man????

GBD xxx

JC said...

I think deep down inside she already knows what to do because she already listed them out, but she's unwilling to because it feels so good yet so guilty.

She just needs someone's push in any direction...maybe she hoped to hear otherwise from you...

Dexter said...

For her own sanity, she should not sleep with him again! Also, I don't think it's her responsibility to tell anything to anyone.