A personality test from boyfriend number 3

I'm still seeing boyfriend number 3 about once every four weeks. I wish I could see him more often, but it's just not convenient for him. The last time I visited him, a couple of weeks ago, he makes me a cup of coffee as usual and we sit down next to each other on his sofa.

"Have I ever done this little personality test that I know on you?" he asks.

"I don't think you've done anything like that with me so 'No', I don't think so."

"Do you want to do it? It won't take long, but you've got to take it seriously or there's no point! I got it from my brother years ago."

"Okay, okay, I'll take it seriously", I say putting my arm round him, "what does it involve?"

"I'm going to tell you a story", he says, grabbing a pencil and paper from behind him. "For the moment, just listen."

"There is a river with a bridge over it, and a wife and her husband live in a house on one side. The wife has a lover who lives on the other side. The only way to get across the river is to walk across the bridge or ask the boatman to take you."

"Interesting setup", I interrupt, "looks like I'm the wife, boyfriend number 1 is the husband, and you're the lover!"

"Be quiet", says boyfriend number 3, "you're going off in completely the wrong direction! Now. The husband has to go on an overnight business trip in a faraway town. The wife pleads with him to take her with him. She knows if he doesn't she'll be unfaithful to him. The husband absolutely refuses to take her because she will only be in the way of his important business. So the husband goes alone.

That night the wife goes over the bridge and stays with her lover. Dawn is almost up when the wife leaves because she must be back home before her husband returns. She starts across the bridge but sees an assassin waiting for her on the other side. She knows if she tries to cross, he will murder her, because that's what he's been paid to do. In terror, she runs up the side of the river, and explaining her predicament to the boatman, she asks him to take her across the river. But he wants a half-crown and she has no money, so he refuses to take her.

The wife runs back to the lover's house and explains her predicament and asks him for a half-crown to pay the boatman. The lover refuses, telling her it's her own fault for getting into this situation. As dawn comes up the wife is nearly out of her mind and decides to dash across the bridge. When she comes face to face with the assassin, he takes a large knife and stabs her until she is dead."

"Have you got all that?" asks boyfriend number 3.

"Yes I think so. I don't think much of the lover though, if he really loved her he'd have given her the half-crown. It's only 12.5p after all."

"Yes yes, but this is an old story, so you haven't allowed for inflation! Anyway, what you have to do is to put the characters in the order in which they're responsible for the wife's death, starting with the person who's most responsible".

[IF ANY READER WANTS TO DO THE TEST THEMSELVES, DON'T READ ON UNTIL YOU'VE DECIDED ON YOUR OWN ORDER]

I think about it for a while, and eventually I have my answer. "Clearly the assassin is most responsbile, followed by the lover. I'm very sure of that. I can't distinguish very clearly what order to put the last three in, but how about boatman, wife, and lastly husband".

"Hmmmm, very very interesting", says boyfriend number 3 laughing, "why aren't I surprised! After all, you are a banker, visiting one of his lovers as we speak!"

"But what does it all mean?"

"The five characters all represent different aspects of life", he explains, "The husband represents love, wife=fun, lover=sex, assassin=money and boatman=mysticism".

"Ahhhh, so my order of importance is money, sex, mysticism, fun, love. I see what you mean about a banker visiting his lover!! But what order did you put them in?"

"Actually the order that one chooses can change as you grow older, but for quite a while now my order has been wife, husband, lover, assassin, boatman".

"Wife first! So you blame the wife for being unfaithful, but are happy to invite me round here to see you on a regular basis!"

"But don't forget that the wife represents fun!" he says, rubbing my knee, and turning to look at me with a glint in his eye. I do wish I could see boyfriend number 3 a bit more often!