Monday, November 06, 2006

What makes the perfect boyfriend?

"So what are the most important attributes you look for when you're boyfriend hunting?" I ask. It's after work, one evening last week, and I'm sitting in a quiet gay bar with my friend P, after a long day at the bank. [NB: this is 'my friend P', which is a different person to 'my colleague P'. Although my colleague P has also become a friend! But I digress, this isn't a posting about why so many of the guys I know are called P!]

"Well cock size obviously!" replies P. The thing I like about P is his directness. And his insincerity.

"Yes obviously", I reply smirking, "but lets try and break it down a bit more systematically".

Whipping out my PDA, I bring up mobile Excel. "Let me see, what categories shall we have?"

We debate the situation for a minute or two and eventually I have it. Four simple boyfriend qualities by which to judge a guy. Appearance, Personality, Wedge, and Trouser department!

"OK, so what do you think your ideal is, percentage wise?"

"Hmmmm", says P thinking. He plays around with the cells on the spreadsheet. "How about that?"

Appearance=50%, Personality=15%, Wedge=15%, Trouser Dept= 20%.

"WOW 50% for appearance", I say, "who ever said gay guys are shallow eh?"

"Well what would your percentages be?" asks P.

"Fair question, but just let's just focus on you for a minute", I say grinning. "Now, this hugely rich banker that you met on gaydar recently, that you can't take your mind off, and spend every moment of your day worring about why he's not replied to your last txt msg?"

"Yes", says P smiling dreamily, "what about him?"

"How do you rate him in those categories?" It doesn't take him long to work it out.

Appearance=20%, Personality=25%, Wedge=50%, Trouser Dept= 5%.

"Interesting isn't it", I laugh.

"What do you mean", says P anxiously. "You think I should drop him because he's so far off what I really want?"

"Not at all", I reply. "If you ask me, that is your real ideal. What you originally put down was only what you think you ought to want!"


Anonymous said...

two shallow fags in a gay bar thinking what's more important - money or the cock size! wooooow!!!

Earl said...

I'd divide up my ideal candidate like this:

25% Appearance
25% Intellect
25% Personality
10% Ambition
5% Inhibition
5% Trouser
5% Wedge

Too many categories?

TheDreamer said...

Too shallow straight men sitting in a Wetherspoons thinking what's more important - money or the size of the tits. Wooow! Same difference, hey?

Besides, GB's not shallow. Nobody with that many boyfriends can be shallow :)

muse-ic said...

Personality scores way, way higher than anything else. In fact, it is the only important thing, in my opinion.

Trouser department (although desirable) certainly would not influence my decision in calling someone ideal, nor would wedge.

I find the shallowness of the gay world disheartening; there is so much more to people than just the way they look, or how rich they are. Yes, these things certainly help things along, but they are by no means necessary.

Anonymous said...

Muse-ic, I don't think the gay world is THAT shallow - of course, there are some gay people who are in love with money, cocksize, appearance, etc, and the same goes for the straight population, but I certainly wouldn't generalize the gay world as shallow.

For me, personally:
Appearance - 45% (pre-requisite)
Personality - 55% (can make or break a person)

Now, if there is no physical attraction, there can be no real love. I hope this doesn't sound too shallow!

P.S. Gaybanker, you should check out my latest blog entry - I definitely need your advice!

rebelprince89 said...

Can I just say I love your blog? <3*