Statement on the accuracy of the postings in this blog

I've never said much about the "basis" for the postings in this blog. Do I make it all up? Or is every word 100% true? Thanks to www.statcounter.com and all the e-mails I get I know that I do have quite a few readers these days so perhaps a statement about this is overdue.

I basically follow the same guidelines as Belle de Jour. Although I was never completely convinced she was real, I am real, and for what it's worth I follow her guidelines. To quote her small print:

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of myself and others. I try to recreate dialogue and action as accurately as possible, but no one's memory is perfect. The cutting of some slack is appreciated.

So I do work for an investment bank in London and every very posting is fundamentally true. I'm certain that if boyfriend number 1, boyfriend number 2, or boyfriend number 3 found this blog they would all recognise themselves immediately. In fact I always write the blog on the basis that eventually everyone I know may end up finding it, so everything has to be reasonably accurate because I don't want anyone to say I mis-represented them. In any case, one day when we're all old and grey I may even tell everyone about it!

Update on the situation with boyfriend number 3

One Friday last month I met boyfriend number 3 (aka R) for a drink after work. Since then, I’d chatted to him a few times on gaydar but we had been unable to arrange another get-together for a bit of fun. Previously I had visited him a couple of times at his flat in Greenwich.

About three weeks ago, I spot him on gaydar and he tells me that he’s living at home with his mother most of the time at the moment:

bf#3: since I was mugged near my flat, I just don’t want to risk travelling in the area. So I get a friend to drop me off and pick me up occasionally, but the rest of the time I’m back living with my mother :-(

GB: I don’t suppose she’d be too happy if I visited you at her place?

bf#3: cheeky! Best if we use my place in Greenwich, but we’ll have to travel there and back together

A couple of days after the conversation I have an idea that might help in relation to his flat, so I send him an e-mail. A few days pass with no response so I send him a txt msg

GB: How’s you? Was the idea I emailed u any good? A cab to Greenwich and back might be fun sometime? GB xxx

I get a reply quite quickly:

bf#3: Your email idea will not work but cab rides are good ;-)

The trouble with txt msg of course is that it can take hours to have a conversation that face-to-face (or in the gaydar chat rooms) would happen within a few minutes.

GB: :-)) so when do you fancy a cab ride with me?

bf#3: Whenever you can with notice...or later today after you get off work? x

GB: Might be poss this eve but I would prob need to be back home by 8pm ish? Otherwise are any lunchtimes next week any good? xxx

bf#3: Can be at ur office 1730hrs at the earliest x

I decide to check with boyfriend number 1. If he’s got nothing planned for the evening then I could tell him I’m working late and go and have a bit of fun with boyfriend number 3. But a quick phone call home and I find out that he’s arranged something so I’m going to have to be home even earlier that I thought.

GB: Turns out I have to be back home 7.30pm latest. Perhaps best to postpone cab ride but could meet you for a drinkie early eve if you like? xxx

bf#3: Can meet you outside ur office for 1800hrs ok? x

GB: Gr8, c u 6pm ish xx

A trip to his flat for a bit of fun would have been very nice, but since I haven’t seen him for a few weeks I’ll settle for a drink instead! We meet up as planned and head off to the same pub we went to last time. It’s good to see him. Once inside the pub I buy him a pint of Guinness and get myself a pint of Fuller’s London Pride.

We’re about half way through our drinks when he looks me up and down lustfully.

“Why don’t we finish up here and grab a cab over to my place?” he says mischievously.

“I’d like to but I really can’t, I’m promised boyfriend number 1 that I’ll be back by 7:30pm at the latest.”

“What would happen if you don’t turn up?”

Although I’m always keen on a bit of fun, even I couldn’t just not turn up at home when I said that I would. Being run over by a bus would be a valid excuse not to turn up, but that’s about it!

“No, I couldn’t. You’re a very naughty man, you know that don’t you! Let’s do it one lunchtime next week. Any preference for the day?”

We settle on Wednesday lunchtime and finish our drinks. We agree to confirm by txt msg the day before.

Tuesday arrives so I send him a txt in the morning

GB: Hi :-) shall we take a cab ride to Greenwich together 2moz? I’ll need to be back for a 3pm meeting but that still gives us loads of time! GB xxx

I don't a reply until the afternoon

bf#3: Yes..sorry for the delay...been trying to work out what i am doing tomorrow. 1130hrs outside ur office ok? x

So it’s all confirmed. But on the day I get an unexpected txt msg from him

bf#3: Would friday be possible for you-anytime? Asking as that would suit me better but if not then see you later
x

Although I’d been looking forward to a bit of fun at lunchtime, if it’s more convenient for him on Friday then so be it.

GB: Sure, I am OK for Friday. See you Friday lunchtime? GB xxx

But it’s not to be. When I send him a txt on Friday morning to confirm

GB: Fancy a cab ride with me at lunchtime? GB xxx

the reply is a problem

bf#3: Sure...to meet you around 1400hrs would suit me..is that do-able?x

No! I’ve got an important meeting mid afternoon which I’ll miss if we don’t meet up until 2pm. I thought we’d agreed lunchtime? So we postpone again. Damn, why is this proving so difficult? We chat on gaydar at the weekend and he apologises for messing me around. He also tells me that he’s going to be staying at his flat for part of the following week:

bf#3: I’m going to be in Greenwich from Tuesday to Thursday next week - I’m getting a friend to drop me off and pick me up. So why don’t you come over Wednesday lunchtime?

This time everything works. We confirm by txt msg and I visit him as planned. We have a lovely session together. He’s got a gorgeous well-toned body, and he adores cuddling. An ideal lunchtime activity!

Afterwards I tell him off again for suggesting the taxi ride when were were having a drink, when he knew that I had arranged to meet boyfriend number 1.

“I wasn’t being serious”, he says defensively, “I just wondered how far you’d go.”

Hmmm. You sounded serious at the time but I’ll let you off!

Gay Banker's tips for successful online cruising

I’m sure that there are many people know more about this subject than me. But a comment left by Reluctant Nomad to my recent post A long-awaited and unusual liaison made me think that there are lots of things I haven’t said about this subject that are worth saying.

Earlier this year, in February and March, I divulged that I’ve been using the internet to meet guys for sex since 1995. The origin of my infidelity in my relationship with boyfriend number 1 had been the previous year. 1995 was definitely before gaydar had started, and I don’t think gay.com had started then either. My first internet service provider was CompuServe, and there was just one gay chat room for the whole world. None the less, quite a few guys in the chat room were based in London, and so my online cruising life started.

Some guys just use the internet cruising web sites just to chat to other gay guys, or to find guys for phone-sex or cyber-sex. For me though, the miracle of online cruising is that anywhere in the world, the internet makes face-to-face meetings between like-minded guys so easy. Previously one had to go to a gay bar, or find an outside cruising area which might be dangerous. But the internet makes it simple to find horny guys who are waiting just round the corner from you. This is especially useful when one is at a loose end in a strange foreign city :-)

But if you get chatting to a guy online, how can you tell if they’re genuine? If you arrange a meeting, how do you know they’ll be there? How can you avoid time-wasters? The answer’s simple really, for each guy you meet online just run down Gay Banker’s check-list for successful online cruising [patent pending] and everything will be all right:
(1) Early in the online conversation, get them to tell you their name
(2) Make sure you see a picture with their face in
(3) Get their phone number so you can contact them
(4) If you’re meeting at their place, get their post-code first, and their full address before you set off
(5) Before you meet up face-to-face, talk to them on the phone
(6) After talking on the phone but before the meeting, continue to build rapport e.g. by txt msg
(7) If it’s sex you’re after and you’ve met somewhere private, take off your shirt soon after you meet
(8) Don’t compromise on more than one of items (1)-(5)

Of course whatever they tell you online they could be lying, or showing you someone else’s picture. That’s why it’s important not to compromise too much, because it’s hard to make up everything convincingly.

Seeing a picture with the other guy’s face in is definitely an important step. If you’re going to meet up with a guy you’re going to end up seeing their face anyway, so it’s reasonable to ask to see what they look like in advance. A lot of guys use face pics to work out whether they’re attracted to someone, which is fair enough. Also if someone doesn’t ask to see your face pic, either they’re very new to online cruising, or they’ve got something to hide because they don’t want to show you a pic with their face in. So if they don’t ask, then you should!

It is understandable for guys who are new to online cruising to be reluctant to give out their phone numbers, because there’s a natural fear of strangers misusing this information somehow. But in the ten years I’ve been meeting guys from the internet, there was only one occasion when I got a slightly unwelcome call. Even that one unwelcome call wouldn’t have happened if I had just given the guy some rules about when he could phone me when I gave him the number. So I don’t think giving out your phone number is any risk at all as long as you specify what the rules are when you give out your number, for example "only for today", or "never phone in the evening". If you’re going to visit them their address might be hard to find, so without a phone number you’re sunk. Similarly if they’re visiting you and they’re taking longer than expected you’d want to be able to give them a call to work out how much longer they’re going to be. If a guy is reluctant to give out this information either they’re new or they’ve got something to hide.

Because I don’t entertain guys in the home I share with boyfriend number 1, I’m always meeting guys at their house, or sometimes at their office. Where a guy lives is even more personal than what his mobile phone number is, so it’s also understandable for guys to be reluctant to give out their address. If a guy seems a bit reluctant, ask for less specific information, for example the name of the road they live in, or their postcode. This helps you work out how easy it is to get to them. I’m a big fan of postcodes because it make it easy to look up where they are on www.multimap.com.

Even when you’ve spoken to them on the phone and everything is agreed, I still continue to try and establish rapport before we actually meet up. My favourite way of doing this is using txt msgs. I’m convinced this reduces the chance of a failed meeting, and helps avoid the wank-factor in situations where meetings occur quickly after the initial contact online.

Finally, when you chat to some guys online, all they’re interested in is how attractive you are to them, whether your sexual requirements are compatible, how big your cock is, and so on. For me, meeting this type of one-dimensional guy usually turns out to be much less rewarding than meeting guys with more to say for themselves. If the guy you’re talking to online is worth meeting they probably think the same way, so my advice would be to try and keep it chatty and witty, as you would in real life.

Are there any risks to meeting guys like this? No more so than picking up strangers for sex from bars, clubs, or cruising areas I reckon. Gaydar used to have a warning about the possible dangers of meeting guys through the internet, but when I went looking for this recently I couldn’t find it.

Of course, I’ve had two failed meetings this year, one in February and the other in May. Both occurred when the guy had neither a mobile phone nor a picture of himself showing his face. Now I’ve formulated these rules though, I for one am going to stick to them!

The true story of L and S

In a comment to my recent posting Update on the situation with boyfriend number 1, a guy called Daniel was kind enough to say that my blog was like “Bridget Jones's Diary - but much better”. Having my blog compared to fiction reminds me that fiction is often only a pale reflection of what happens in real life. One of the stories I like to tell to prove this relates to a couple of guys L and S that used to live near us.

As well as living nearby, L and S owned and ran a flower business together. They had a small shop, but the main part of the business was providing flowers to offices and restaurants across central London. Apart from being business partners they were also gay lovers, and had been together for around 18 years. L was the sort of guy who knew everyone in the area, a great guy to chat with and catch up on the local gossip. S was a bit older than L and a bit more reserved, but both of them were nice guys.

Eventually myself and boyfriend number 1 invited L and S round for supper one evening. That evening we discovered that S was actually bi-sexual. In fact, he had a wife and grown up kids, who knew nothing about his gay relationship with L! They thought that L was just a business partner. Monday to Friday S would live with L in central London, but at the weekend S went back to his wife outside London to play the perfect husband. Incredibly, this had been going on for 18 years.

The secret couldn’t last forever. The following year S and L were together at a London restaurant on Valentines Day. They didn’t pay any attention to the filming which was going on there for a television program, after all a lot of filming goes on in London all the time. But on this occasion, the filming was for a program which was aired on prime time TV, and by a stroke of fate one of S’s children spotted S with L on TV, “Mum come and look at this, isn’t that Dad with L having a Valentines Day dinner?”

S ended up having to confess the whole story. Of course S’s wife wanted him to choose between her and L, but in fact somehow he managed to continue with the existing arrangement, living with L in the week and her at weekends.

Unfortunately the relationship between S and L wasn’t to last. In fact, it might have be the arrival of myself and boyfriend number 1 which was partly to blame.

“I’m always alone at Christmas”, L would confide in me. “I’ve been trying to get S to leave his wife and live with me full time for 18 years. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.”

L would see myself and boyfriend number 1, always going away together on holidays, together at Christmas. Gradually he wanted a full time boyfriend more and more. Now, pay attention, it gets a bit complicated ...

A year or two later, all the gossip was about L. One summer, some other neighbours were having a lot of renovation work done to their house. We all spotted R, a cute, hunky builder who was usually stripped to the waist. He looked very heterosexual to me, but none the less L managed to get him into bed.

For a while L was seeing both R and S. S found out and argued bitterly with L about the situation. L agreed to stop seeing R if S left his wife. Of course S wouldn’t leave his wife so L continued with seeing both R and S.

Then one day L caught S in bed with R. That was the catalyst for L to leave S, and take R as a full time boyfriend. They even had a big party for the occasion. Everyone was invited, L, S, R were all there, all the neighbours, and it was a fabulous party. At the party, I actually got talking to R’s brother. It turned out that R was bisexual too, with a couple of ex-wives, several children, and a depressive streak which sometimes caused him to attempt suicide. As I said above,I reckon that fiction is often only a pale reflection of what happens in real life.

Although L and S tried to continue as purely business partners, it didn’t work. Within a year they’d sold up, S was living full time with his wife, L and R had moved out of London together, and unfortunately I haven’t seen or heard of any of them since.

So at the same time, living in one tiny London street there was me secretly meeting guys for casual sex, our neighbour with his mistress, the story of L and S, and more as well no doubt which I don’t know about. I said in a blog posting a couple of months ago that the false paternity rate proves that there’s a lot of infidelity in our society. It’s all around us all the time. The only issue is how much of it we're each aware of!

An long-awaited and unusual liaison

Back in August, a guy contacted me on gaydar who was interested in meeting me for a bit of fun. He couldn’t meet me at the time so he suggested the following week. Unfortunately that wasn’t possible for me because I was due to go on holiday with my sister and her family, so we agreed to get together in September.

There was a day in September when I was due to visit him after work but it didn’t happen. I was feeling upset about the situation with boyfriend number 1 so I sent him a txt msg in the morning to postpone, giving the excuse of a cold. Occasionally throughout October and into November we chatted to each other when we were both on gaydar at the same time, but somehow we never managed to sort out a meeting. Until last Saturday.

Even though we’d never met, after three months of chatting on gaydar I feel I know him quite well. So last Saturday when I spot him in the chat rooms, I’ve got something to ask him

GB: Hi F, how was your holiday a couple of weeks ago?
F: Hi GB, hols were fab, wish I woz still there
GB: strange to have been chatting to u here for so long without meeting
F: I’m free early pm, any good?
GB: Actually yes! Can I visit you? Perhaps we’ll finally meet :-)) ?
F: gr8. BTW I’ve got a bf now so don’t really want to get too involved. Perhaps we can just strip off and do something in my hallway?

Hmmm, that sounds less than ideal. But after all this time, I want to meet the guy.

GB: OK, but it might be nicer if we can go somewhere more comfortable! Do you have anywhere else we could go other than your hallway?
F: of course! why don’ t you come round and let’s see what happens

We agree that I’ll send him a txt msg just after 2pm to check it’s still possible.

Just before 2pm I send F a txt msg and tell boyfriend number 1 that I’m going out to do a bit of shopping. Once outside the house I turn my mobile back on expecting to get his reply telling me that I can visit. But no reply – damm – what’s gone wrong? 2.05pm no reply; 2:10pm no reply. I try phoning his mobile but no answer.

There is some shopping that I’ve got to do but I’d much rather visit F first. I need to buy a bottle of Champagne so I head for Oddbins. While chatting to the shop's manager about the relative merits of Bollinger Grande Année and Moët’s Dom Perignon, I get a txt msg from F. Champagne shopping can wait, I make my excuses and head for the street to grab a taxi.

I arrive at his apartment block and he buzzes me in. But when I get to his door and ring the doorbell, there’s no answer. How strange. I wait for several minutes before I think I hear something behind the door

“F”, I ask quietly, “are you there?”

I can just about make out his reply. “Yes, yes, come in”.

To my surprise the door is unlocked. I push it open and it’s completely dark inside. I can hear him much more clearly now, but I can’t see him.

“Come in, come in”, he whispers, “and close the door”.

I walk in and close the door behind me. It really is virtually pitch black now! In the darkness I can just about make out a guy coming towards me. He comes up to me without saying anything so I reach out and touch him. He’s bare-chested. His pecs feel very firm and smooth. Lovely. Is he completely naked? In the darkness I run my finger slowly down his body but I reach a waistband. So he's almost completely naked, he’s just wearing some undershorts.

This is really weird, I think. I’m in the hallway of an apartment of a guy I don’t really know, it’s pitch black, the guy is virtually naked and he’s unbuttoning my shirt. Ahhh well, let’s go for it!! I let him remove my shirt, then I bend down and take my shoes off and let him remove my trousers too. He hasn't said another word to me since I came in.

Standing up, we wrap our arms round each other and kiss. His body feels lovely. He must go to the gym a lot, he’s got a lot of muscle tone. Is he much much older than he admitted to on gaydar? I can’t think of any other reason for him to hide in the darkness like this. Still, the anonymity of the situation is very horny. I kneel down and drag down his undershorts. Shortly afterwards he does the same for me.

Gradually I get somewhat used to the darkness, but still I can hardly see him. Do I need to see him? After all, I do know the male anatomy, I know where to find everything, and it’s clear that he does too! None the less, after a few minutes of touching, kissing, fondling, things seem to be going quite well so I decide to say something. “It would be nice to have a bit more light so I can see you?” I whisper, “Is there somewhere more comfortable we can go?”

He pauses then decides. Without saying anything he leads me slowly down the hallway and opens a door. The light dazzles me. I look at him and he looks exactly the age he told me on gaydar. In front of us there’s a double bed made up with just a sheet. It looks ideal so I go and lay down on it and smile back at him. We have a wonderful time.

After we’ve shot our loads we just naked lay on the bed in each other’s arms. We don’t say a word. I always enjoy cuddling, especially after mutual orgasm. After a few minutes, I get a surprise. Has he fallen asleep? It certainly sounds like it. I move slightly to get a better look at his face and sure enough, his eyes are closed and he’s asleep. This just gets weirder and weirder! In all my years of meeting guys for fun this has never happened before, not in this “quickie” kind of situation. Still, it’s nice that he feels so relaxed and comfortable with me that he can fall asleep. It makes me feel very comfortable too.

After about 10 minutes I nudge him a bit. “F, are you OK?”

“Hmmm, what?” he murmurs, “Err yes, just dozed off, sorry.”

“No problem, but I need to go soon, I’ve got some shopping to do!”

We get up and clean ourselves up. He gets me a glass of water while I retrieve my clothes from the hallway. We chat a bit, and then I make my excuses.

“See you again perhaps?” he says as I’m leaving.

“Yes that would be nice”, I reply, “I’ve had a lovely time.”

Outside I find another taxi and head back to Oddbins. A little later I’m chatting to the same manager when another txt msg arrives. It’s from F.

F: great meeting you

Swiftly I send him a reply

GB: U 2 :-)

Indeed, it would be very nice to meet him again.

Update on the situation with boyfriend number 1

About three weeks ago I said that my relationship with boyfriend number 1 was probably finished. In reality though, that blog posting was perhaps a bit overdone because everything is far from certain.

In between our sessions with a professional counsellor, we’ve started discussing things between ourselves at home. We only do this once a week, for about an hour, because we both find it very draining.

At the counselling session last week, about half way through the counsellor had something to say.

“I must say this”, she said, “Your 16 year old relationship is dead. You both need to accept that. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue with each other in some sort of new relationship, but that is what it will be.”

I completely agree with her. But at the discussion we had at home recently, boyfriend number 1 said that he disagreed. “No, I don’t think it’s dead”, he said, “I should have said something to her at the time.”

Because of this, and other sentiments that boyfriend number 1 has expressed to me, I have a horrible feeling that boyfriend number 1 really hasn’t really accepted what has happened. It’s been such a complete shock to him that he’s pretending to himself that soon it’ll all be over and we’ll be back to 'normal'. But things are different now. I want to be honest with him going forward. Until he does accept that things have changed, we can’t move on.

Of course the whole situation is my fault because I should have told him years ago that I couldn’t continue with a monogamous relationship. I betrayed his trust. But perhaps I should also accept some of the blame for why he’s having difficulty accepting the situation.

On a day to day basis, we’re carrying on at home and with friends as though nothing has happened. It’s been business as usual. But of course, underneath this façade everything is far from normal. I think I need to break our routine, stop letting him cook for me perhaps, and stop cuddling him in bed. Things are not normal so I don’t think I should allow us to pretend that they are.

Perhaps we should even have a trial separation? I think that’ll be much harder for him than me. Although we’re talking a lot, there’s been very little progress so maybe something a bit more drastic is called for. I still love him, and he says he loves me too. But he’s still in love with the GB he thought he had, rather than the one that writes this blog.

I think all this will be my agenda for our next counselling session.

Erect penis length of men from different ethnic groups

Looking back over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to have had fun with guys from a diverse range of ethnic backgrounds, and an e-mail I received recently prompted me to think about this a bit. My conclusion is that there are some anatomical differences between men from different ethnic groups, for example in the average length of their erect penises.

I am definitely not a racist, or a size queen. Anyone who looks at this blog in detail will see that I’ve enjoyed fun with many different types of guys, and guys of all sizes and ages too. For example, boyfriend number 2 has an oriental background, R (aka boyfriend number 3) is Indian, and D in New York is Latin-American. If there’s a gap in my experiences though, the truth is that I haven’t been with many black guys. Perhaps black guys don’t use gaydar as much as the rest of us because I certainly haven’t been avoiding them?

So what conclusions do I have? Well, on average I reckon oriental guys (from Japan, China, and South East Asia including Indonesia) have smaller erect penises than Caucasians, on average perhaps an inch (2½cm) smaller. But the flip-side of this is that on average, oriental guys seem to end up with much harder erections. I would guess that these two observations are connected – less blood is required to sustain a good quality erection in a smaller penis. This probably explains why I’m fond of oriental guys – I’d rather have a hard penis to play with than a big one any day!

Regarding guys with South Asian backgrounds (i.e. India, Pakistan, Bangladesh), I reckon they're much the same as Caucasians. If anything, I reckon that South Asian guys are slightly better endowed than Caucasians, although statistically speaking my sample size is quite small so it’s probably not a valid conclusion.

Similarly with Latin Americans and Brazilians, I reckon they’re much the same as Caucasians too, although if there’s a difference here my experience suggests that they’re slightly less well endowed than Caucasians. Again, it’s not really a statistically significant sample.

One thing that I am convinved of though is that there’s a strong correlation between a guy’s height and his erect penis length. Of course, oriental guys tend to be a bit shorter than Caucasians, but I reckon that even taking this into account, the oriental erect penis is shorter than the corresponding Caucasian one. Another consequence of this is that I reckon Dutch guys probably have the biggest average erect penis size on the planet! Has anyone ever worked out why the Dutch are so tall?

The people with the best perspective on this subject are obviously straight women and gay men. But even straight men might have a bit more information on this than just their own personal dimensions. After all, gyms, schools, army barracks, can all put guys in situations where they see other guys naked. And although a naked guy will often have a flaccid penis, we all know that erections can occur in the most unsuitable and embarrassing situations!

A visit to a cute young guy in Marylebone

I haven't been meeting many guys for fun recently. It's probably got something to do with the situation between me and boyfriend number 1 at the moment, which is definitely weighing heavily on my usual enthusiasm for life. My blog from back in May describes 10 encounters with guys from the internet, plus several encounters in the gym sauna. My blog from last month describes just two meetings with guys from the internet, plus a lunchtime visit to see R.

But last Sunday I log on to gaydar to see how busy it is, and within a couple of minutes of entering the main London cruising chat room I get contacted by a young guy who's not that far away:

guy: how u doing?
GB: fine, u?
guy: bored and horny
GB: me too [almost an obligatory response!]
guy: got any pics m8?

Gradually we edge towards a meeting. But I can't work out how keen he is. We seem to get close to an agreement, but then he seems to go cold on the idea. Eventually I get his mobile phone number out of him so I give him a call.

"Hi, this is GB", I start, "would you like me to visit you?"

"Errr, maybe. What did you say your enjoy doing with a guy?"

I describe my sexual preferences again.

"OK sounds good, how long will it take you to get here?"

"You're in Marylebone aren't you?" I ask.

"Yes"

"OK, if I leave now I should be there in around 30 minutes."

He seems satisfied and gives me his exact address so I hang up. Great, this guy looks absolutely gorgeous in his pictures, I can't wait!

When I arrive, he's sitting in the corner of a sofa watching TV. He doesn't seem to know what to say, and curiously, seems quite absorbed in the TV programme he's watching. I take some clothes off to try and get his attention. Rather annoyingly, the way he's curled up in the corner of the sofa makes it hard to get close to him. In my experience, a nice way to start is to touch him a bit, perhaps putting my arm round his shoulders, but that's not going to be possible the way he's sitting.

Bare-chested, I sit down next to him as close I can, and rub his knee gently. He looks at me and smiles.

"Why don't I turn off the TV", he says. Yes, that would be a good start!

After he's turned off the TV he looks at me again. "So, what do you want to do?"

I look at him and he looks every bit as lovely as he did when I saw his pictures online. "Why don't you take off your T-shirt?" I suggest.

"OK sure". Good, I was worried in case he'd changed his mind.

Once his T-shirt is off, I start rubbing his nipples gently, first one, then the other. "Hmmm, that's nice", he murmurs, "do you want to suck them?"

Sure, why not. Soon I loosen the belt on his trousers. He kicks them off eagerly. "Why don't we go to the bedroom", he suggests suddenly, "it'll be more comfy there."

Once under his duvet in his bedroom, I get him to remove his undershorts too. He's got a lovely body, although he seems very passive and I find myself doing most of the work. As he gets even more aroused however, he starts getting more involved. It doesn't take long for both of us to reach a very satisfactory conclusion.

"Would you like a shower?" he offers, as he cleans himself up.

"Yes please". I don't usually have a shower in these circumstances, but if I have one now I won't have to visit the gym for a shower before going home to boyfriend number 1.

After the shower I find him watching TV again, seated in the same corner of the sofa as he was when I arrived. He's just wearing a towel now though, wrapped seductively round his waist. "Can I have a glass of water?" I ask.

"Oh yes, of course."

We chat for a short while. He's a graphic designer, although he hasn't been in the job very long.

"Did you grow up in London?" I ask.

"Yes, in Knightsbridge."

"Knightsbridge! Wow, you must have rich parents."

"Errr, maybe!" he says coyly. Yes definitely - if you grow up in Knightsbridge you are from a rich family!

Soon I finish my water and kiss him goodbye. "Safe journey home", he says.

He was a lovely guy, but for most of the time he seemed quite detached. Still, he had a gorgeous body so if I get the chance to visit him again, I wouldn't turn it down!

Would you like to be Aron Ralston?

I'm having a beer after work with a colleague recently when suddenly he says

"Do you remember Aron Ralston?"

"I don't think so", I reply, "what bank did he work for?"

"No he's not a banker!" says my colleague laughing, "He's the guy who had to amputate his own arm after he got trapped climbing a couple of years ago."

"Oh yes, I did hear about that, somewhere in the Rockies wasn't it?"

"Yes I think so. But what an experience! Wouldn't it be fantastic to have an experience like that?"

"You mean you'd like to lose an arm?" I reply horrified. "Don't you like your arms? I'm quite fond of my arms you know! Anyway it must have been horrific for him to have to do that to himself."

"But think of the exhilaration! The exhilaration must have been extraordinary!! Just imagine! You've been trapped for 5 days right, you really think you're going to die, no, in fact you know you're going to die. You considered cutting off your arm at the start, but realised you'd never be able to cut through the bone. But then you suddenly realise that it's possible to break the bone! Imagine walking away from that, what a fantastic experience."

I'm definitely not convinced.

"You know", he continues, "I bet 50% of guys would happily give their arm for an experience like that. Rather than execute some wonderful transaction for the bank they work for, or be told by their boss that they've done a fabulous job managing some boring project. There's no comparison."

Indeed. Perhaps I see what he means. I definitely need excitement and exhilaration in my life. I'm sure that's one of the things which drives me to meet guys furtively for casual sex, because it's always an adventure. (Sometimes I even get a kick out of writing this blog, it's also a tiny adventure because no one who knows me knows that I'm a blogger.)

So perhaps my colleague is right. Most people lead relatively dull lives, and maybe some of them would love to have an experience like Aron Ralston. I can't help thinking though that it's a sad reflection of modern society if people yearn to lose limbs just to add some meaning to their lives.

It's time for a health check-up

Unfortunately, when meeting other guys for fun, there’s always a risk of picking up nasty diseases. HIV is top of the list in terms of diseases to avoid of course; I think the others are mostly curable.

Anyway, following my revelation to boyfriend number 1 that I’d been on holiday in Asia with boyfriend number 2, he had found a doctor and asked how ‘clean’ I was likely to be, and whether I was likely to have any sexually transmitted diseases.

“I told a doctor that you’d been seeing a guy in Singapore”, boyfriend number 1 told me back in July.

“Uh huh”, I said, not paying much attention.

“Apparently there are all sorts of nasty diseases out there in Asia, more than we’ve got here in the UK”.

“Err, really?” Perhaps I should pay attention for a minute.

“Yes”, continued boyfriend number 1, “the doctor said I shouldn’t even touch you with a barge-pole at the moment.”

I wasn’t particularly worried because boyfriend number 2 is one of the cleanest guys I know. None the less, it’s been around six years since my last HIV checkup, so I decided I was due for another one.

But where to go? In the UK, some hospitals have special clinics for sexually transmitted diseases which by law are guaranteed to be 100% confidential. I recall being told when I was at university that some astute politicians pushed through the laws that established the clinics with their strict code of confidentiality many decades ago. Of course, I’ve always thought that the politicians probably set up the clinics like that because they wanted to get confidential treatment for all their own nasty diseases. But in any case, it’s an sensible arrangement.

My first thought is to try the clinic that I went to last time, if it’s still there. I find it on the internet without much trouble (Barts and The London). The first thing I notice is that the naming of these clinics has had a makeover - they’re now called Sexual Health clinics instead of Sexually Transmitted Disease clinics - how nice! Although both the clinics mentioned on the web site are quite conveniently located for me, they’re mostly walk-in and wait clinics. For the walk-in service, given the high demand they recommend that one needs to allow 4 hours for a visit. I can’t afford that much time! During September, I try to get one of their few appointments without success.

Eventually I find a clinic slightly further away which will give me an appointment for a “full screening”. I have to wait a couple of weeks to be seen in the Men’s Clinic, but apart from that it sounds ideal. So I wait two weeks for the appointment.

On the day I arrive early to give me time to fill in their new-patient questionnaire. Sitting in the waiting area, there’s lots of gay oriented reading material (boyz, Positive Nation). I’m in the middle of a juicy article discussing the merits of different forms of lubrication when I get called in for my consultation, right on time.

The doctor who sees me is around my age, or perhaps a bit younger. Definitely gay.

“So you’re here for a full screening”, he starts, “we’ll test you for all the major stuff including HIV. What result are you expecting?”

“Err HIV negative hopefully”.

“OK sure. So how many men do you have sex with?”

“It varies, but I probably meet on average around 1 guy a week, often from the internet, maybe fifty in total so far this year”.

No reaction. I guess he’s heard it all many times before. I can’t help myself wondering whether the doctors who work in this area can actually enjoy their own sex lives.

“Do you meet any guys from abroad?”

“Yes, especially when I’m away on business”

“Oh really”, he says, starting to get a bit more interested. “Where do you go?”

“All over. Singapore, New York, China, Hong Kong, Brazil, Tokyo, ... ”

“What about sub-saharan Africa?” he interrupts.

“No, I don’t think so.” Not recently anyway!

“Well”, he says with a glint in his eye, “I’ll be particularly interested to see if you’ve picked up any Hepatitis B infections on your travels”.

It’s a good service, but suddenly I feel like a laboratory animal, I’m just something being investigated for particularly interesting infections. I won’t be particularly interested if it turns out that I do have anything, I’ll just want it cured!

Next he has me lie back on a couch with my pants and undershorts down so he can inspect me. More feelings of being a laboratory animal as I get examined in all my most intimate areas by hands wearing those clinically white plastic gloves. Luckily he doesn’t find anything to worry about.

The last step is for all the tests. While I'm waiting, I spot an ominous looking door with the word phlebotomy on it - what on earth does that mean? Soon a male nurse takes me into a room and takes several large vials of blood from inside the bend in my elbow. But the worst is yet to come.

“Take your pants down and pull back your opening to your penis please”, he says with a smile, in one of those 'matter-of-fact' voices that only people who've done this sort of thing for too long can manage.

“Errr, OK. Will this hurt?” I ask.

“Not much, don’t worry, it’s all part of the service”.

He then proceeds to scrape a tiny plastic spatula along the skin on the inside of my penis, i.e. along the inside of my urethra.

“Ohhh that does hurt”, I say.

“Don’t worry, only two more to go”.

The second one is the same size as the first spatula but it’s the third one that really frightens me.

“That’s looks like a fluffy version of one of those umbrellas you get in cocktail drinks”, I say, “where exactly is that going?”

He doesn’t answer, instead he just thrusts the thing deep down inside my penis and swiftly pulls it out.

“AWWWWW THAT HURTS A LOT”

“OK, that should do for now, all done”, he says smiling.

"By the way, what does phlebotomy mean?" I ask while I'm getting dressed.

"It just means taking blood", he says with a grin, "so I guess you could say you've just been phlebotomized!"

It takes just over a week to get the results, but luckily they’re the results I wanted:

Chlamydia - negative
Non-specific Urethritis - negative
Gonorrhoea - negative
Syphilis - negative
HIV antibody test - negative
Hepatitis A & B – negative

The only follow up recommended is a course of vaccinations against Hepatitis A and B, apparently recommended for all men who have sex with other men.

I can't help wondering why they put the HIV test fifth in a list of six – that’s the one that everyone wants to know most? Anyway, I hope the doctor wasn’t too upset that I didn’t have any particularly interesting infections!

The benefits of blogging

I find writing this blog quite therapeutic at the moment. With all the turmoil in my life, committing one’s thoughts into words helps sort things out in my mind. Another benefit that I hadn’t anticipated is feedback that I get from people who read this blog. Like an e-mail I got from Escribo Cartas last week which asked

Could you have left your boyfriend #1 earlier in the relationship?
If not, why?

Very good questions. I think the answer goes something like this.

Although I enjoy sex, probably the biggest thing that I've got out of my relationship with boyfriend number 1 is companionship, and for me that's been a lot more precious than having a partner for sex. It would have been, or will be, very hard to let all the companionship go. But when it seemed last June that the companionship element had slipped, because boyfriend number 1 couldn't come on holiday with me, that's when everything started to unravel.

I've read that it's easier for men to have no-strings sex than women, which is what I've done for many years of course, so for me this lifestyle worked very well. A subsequent e-mail from Escribo Cartas proved however that this men versus women statement isn’t necessarily true. Something else I got from her is the quotation

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not..."

This turns out to be a quotation from the French novelist Andre Gide, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1947. I don’t think boyfriend number 1 hates me for what I’ve done, but I think he was loving me for something I wasn’t.

My second counselling session with boyfriend number 1

Early last week, I did a lot of thinking about my relationship with boyfriend number 1 and became quite upset, thinking that my 16 year relationship with boyfriend number 1 is probably finished. But somehow I felt a bit happier after our second counselling session together.

Seated with the counsellor, it was boyfriend number 1 who starts the talking:

"Since last week, I've thinking about one thing most of the time. I had thought that you'd just been with one other guy who you met in Singapore, but last time you said you'd been meeting 'men' for casual sex, not just one 'man'. How many more lies are there?"

"OK, I do want to be honest, but ...", I search for the words, "there's a couple of things I want to say before I answer that question. Actually I've been thinking about all this a lot since last week."

Both boyfriend number 1 and the counsellor are listening.

"If we split up, I do want to look after you to some extent. I know you don't have anywhere like the money or income necessary to stay in the area of London where we live at the moment. So if we split up and you wanted to stay in the area, I'd want to buy you somewhere to live, perhaps a one-bedroom garden flat if that's what you'd want."

Not much reaction, apart from a slightly muffled grunt from boyfriend number 1. I continue anyway

"I've also been thinking about my behaviour. I do accept that I was wrong to start seeing other guys for casual sex without discussing it with you."

The counsellor butts in, "Why didn't you?"

"I know what the reaction would have been, very very negative. I guess I wasn't brave enough, but I accept that's no excuse."

Boyfriend number 1 looks slightly happier. At least he's got an admission of guilt from me.

"But to answer the original question", I continue. "Over the years I've met lots of guys all over the world for casual sex, including a lot of guys in London."

"How long has this been going on?" asks boyfriend number 1 anxiously, slightly taken aback. "Have you been doing this since we first got together?"

"No, I only started meeting a few other guys about 10 years ago. But it's got worse this year. Before I never got emotionally evolved at all, but now I do feel emotionally involved with the guy I went on holiday with over the summer."

"Have you done it with any guys we know socially?" he asks. I know why he's asking this, because there's one of our friends in particular who I get on with very well, and boyfriend number 1 is thinking that we might have had a few encounters together.

"No, everyone I've met has been completely outside our social circle. And I've never brought them back to our house either, it's always been elsewhere."

"The idea that you'd had other guys in our house never even crossed my mind" interrupts boyfriend number 1. "So how many guys have you met?"

This is it. I'd been counting up so I've got my answer ready. "This year, it's probably been about fifty".

"FIFTY??", says boyfriend number 1. "How on earth did you manage that? Where did you find the time?"

"Oh I don't know", I say honestly. It sounds a lot even to me, but I know it's the right number. Anyway the last thing on my mind is perhaps the most important:

"I've got one more thing to add at the moment". Sharp intake of breath, "I'm wondering whether we wouldn't both be happier if we split up! Over the years, I think all our arguments have boiled down to one thing. I've been after an adventurous life, but you've always been after a quiet one. I guess I've been having my adventures, meeting these other guys, but I'm thinking that this is a fundamental incompatibility that we've been ignoring because we get on OK on a day-to-day basis"

I found it very hard to get the words out. But boyfriend number 1 doesn't react much. The councellor picks up on this and we talk about it a bit, but soon the discussion has drifted onto other matters. For me, the last point still needs to be resolved, one way or the other.

Now that I have been completely honest with boyfriend number 1, we seem to be getting on a bit better at home. Somehow, I guess, he knows that I'm telling the truth now. I'm sure he noticed things over the years, although he never wanted to draw the obvious conclusion that I was playing away. I don't know what's going to happen next, but after the counselling session last week at least I'm feeling a bit better about the situation.