Saturday, July 31, 2010

To shake or not to shake

A reader recently sent me the story below, and asked me to conduct a poll of my male readers. He seems quite keen to know the answer, so if you're a guy, please vote :-).

I'm an observer, but not an observer of everything. I only keep a lookout for select and interesting things. Things like the sounds that emanate from the cubicles in the gents. I know you're now wondering, "what could those sounds be"? Sounds of a guy in distress after a night of chicken tikka massala, or that hot jerk chicken he thought he could handle? That sounds like blowing raspberries, that's the best way to describe those sounds. Then there's another sound that I've been hearing for the past few weeks.

A sound that I hear after a guy has finished peeing in the toilet. There's a few moments of silence, then the zipper sound, and then he exits. I wasn't quite sure what the sound was after the guy had finished peeing. Half of my brain was having one thought and the other half was disbelieving. This needed some investigation!

In my office there's just 3 cubicles in the gents on my floor, so having worked out who the usual suspects were, I waited in the middle cubicle. As far as I was concerned I was undertaking legitimate business. Investigative business.

One of the suspects comes in. He has a pee and pauses. There's what sounds like a wiping sound and then the flush. Surely he didn't have a dump. His shoes were always in standing posture: I used to do yoga so I can bend and see things what most guys wouldn't be able to. My analysis included several weeks of careful observation. The list of suspects grew. I never realized there was such a big market for men who wipe their penises. Where have the days of a good shake gone?

I set out to further analyse. In Muslim homes, one of the first teachings for little boys is to wipe when you pee and wash your hands. I also know that in non-religious families, some mothers encourage good hygiene by wiping their son's penises after a pee. Little boys are clumsy with their aim so understandably they need to wipe not only their penises but everywhere else. I admit, there's something slightly naughty about a shake. Not because droplets could go on hands, trousers or the floor, but because it's marking the territory - just like the animals do on the discovery channel. Additionally, wiping just seems like so much more clinical, and more work.

I tend to favour a good shake. Maybe 2 or 3 average. I think anything beyond 3 shakes and you border on masturbation. If it's before bedtime and I know that some activities with my husband await, I wipe after a pee. But at the office when I stand at a urinal and have had a pee, I don't have any inclination to wipe, and nor do any of the other guys who use the urinals for that matter.

On a recent holiday to Spain I noticed that two of the gent's toilets I visited had no toilet paper. Does that mean the Spaniards prefer to shake and not wipe? On many trips to Soho in London I've not seen any of the gay boys wipe after a pee. In fact, they average 4-5 shakes while looking across at you.

I'm keen to ask a few close friends of mine if they have a preference. Just to get a better idea if this is a growing trend, to work out whether I need to jump on this bandwagon. But as part of my research, perhaps GB's male readers could vote using the buttons on the right hand side.

If you shake, I suggest you pay attention to a little rhyme I learnt ages ago. "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie!"

Update 8-Aug-2010 8:18am
Well, the poll has now closed and it seems that we're largely shakers, see graph below. I find it interesting that 7% of readers neither wipe or shake, which strikes me as slightly uncivilised. However, I know that some gay guys enjoy the company of men who are a bit bestial! Anyway, in spite of HBH's request to reveal my toilet habits, I'm feeling a bit shy so you'll all just have to guess :-). GB xxx


AKLDS said...

While in China you had to bring your paper in with you, I'm guessing because of theft of it if the provided it. Which sucked if you were stuck in the middle of nowhere and needed to go :)

Just a thought, do you hold yourself with your right hand or left when you pee? Is that because your that handed?

Humming Bird in Hyde said...

Another good post GB. You got to let us know how you voted :-)

scotrock said...

My answer is: it depends.

At a urinal, it's a shake.

But in a stall or, especially, at home, I'll shake less and use some paper to remove the last drop so that it doesn't fall on the floor or on the seat.

Anonymous said...

actually, guys - in Brazil I frequently see toilet paper dispensers at the URINALS - which makes it quite obvious what careful Brazilians prefer! :-))

Sir Wobin said...

White underwear marks easily. Wiping helps keep fashionable white underwear looking presentable. Should the need arise to, uh... present oneself.

Anonymous said...

Shake, shake, wipe, wipe, wipe nice, clean and dry :)

Anonymous said...

I added wiping to my habits some years ago. Wiping without shaking sounds futile. Or my kit is unusually leaky, ruminates


Mind Of Mine said...

I never wipe! I am all about the shake!

Anonymous said...

As a circumcised American, I do not have retractable foreskin. The head is always exposed. This makes the "cleaning" task easier. I guess this is one of the advantages of being circumcised.

Art said...

Love the post; I'm with the majority. Shaking works at the urinal, wiping, if needed, when seated.

Would like also to know how people wipe their ass after shitting - from between the legs, or reaching behind? That has just become a discussion my way, I've always done it between the legs, but was told I am doing it the 'wrong' way - I should be wiping from behind - any comments?